Q&A Wednesday: Self-Hatred, Self-Shame, and Self-Compassion

First and foremost, let’s get something clear, big-sister style.

When I look at all the different bullet points in your e-mail, I don’t think “Yeah, she really needs to lose weight.” I think “Wow, what are we doing to our girls?”

Do not value yourself based on the way men look at and value you. Your contributions to the world extend far beyond your appearance, and you deserve to be seen and recognized as such. And, by extension, characterizing mutual sexual satisfaction as you “being used” troubles me, too. If the encounter is not held between two people who are in some kind of partnership, then casual sex is literally mutually beneficial and, in essence, you are both using each other. If you are comfortable engaging in safe, sane, and casual sex, own it. It’s not “being used.” You are “getting yours.” And, by extension, if it’s not mutually satisfying, don’t do it just for the sake of connecting with someone. It’s not worth it. It’s just as hollow.

People love to fixate on interracial dating in response to their inability to find the partner they desire, but this, too, is a non-starter. When you consider that the overwhelming majority of Black people in America are still marrying other Black people in America—and, trust me, the numbers aren’t even remotely close—this starts to lose its foothold. (This also says nothing of the fact that you, too, could date interracially if you so chose, as well.) You’re not using this as anything more than a means of further shaming yourself and attempting to justify why you don’t deserve partnership.

You also apparently think that, because you are overweight, that you don’t deserve to properly nourish your body. Starving yourself and subsisting on water alone is a recipe for I-can’t-even-tell-you-how-many ailments, especially for a person on the larger side. Especially for a diabetic. You talk about your family feeding you with scorn—people we love go to great lengths to ensure that we are nourished, and that’s a fact as old as mankind. Nourishing someone you love is contributing to their survival. And, though I suspect the people in your family are “worried” about your weight too, they still believe you deserve to be nourished, and so should you.

Surgeries aren’t “the punk way out.” Many people seek medical intervention for their weight loss, because it becomes life or death in a way that forces them to make that choice. Surgery wouldn’t help in a case like yours because so much of your challenge is emotional, from what I can see, that you might merely find a way around the surgical modifications to get what you’re after, and that is dangerous.

You don’t believe you deserve partnership, you don’t believe you deserve to be loved, you don’t believe you deserve to be nourished, you don’t believe you deserve to even be looked at in a mirror. You don’t believe you deserve better health, and you actively seek to catch a contagious illness so that you can lose weight. You don’t believe you deserve to be praised, instead believing that contributing to your field and building a career from it is not something worth appreciation.

There is an outsized interpretation of what “weight loss” can do for people, usually women. Weight loss cannot fix this. And, contrary to popular belief, merely losing pounds on a scale cannot change what is happening here.

I can understand growing up and believing adamantly that the “grass is greener on the other side,” believing that all of your problems exist because you are so far outside of what mainstream society believes is “ideal.” A lot of this has to do with trying to fit in somewhere that isn’t for you, often because you believe that space is more ideal than the one that’s best suited for you. If it leaves you feeling this badly, sis, it’s just not.

You can’t fight to be in a space that leaves you feeling this badly about yourself. That’s your first sign that it isn’t for you. And, speaking from personal experience, perhaps nothing is for you right now. Perhaps, what you need is to focus on yourself and do what you can to get your head and your heart in sync.

I can’t even say that I can’t imagine how you feel, because the truth of the matter is that I can. In so many ways, we contribute to a society that shames people for their size and, because shame is intended to isolate people and force them into the shadows, this is exactly what you are doing to yourself. You don’t want anyone to look at you, because you know that the likelihood that those people looking at you will only heap more piles of shame on you is high. You don’t want to look at you because you can’t help but shame yourself in the process.

And, because of this, it’s why I’m going to say this much: you have to work on stopping the self-shame. It’s not only preventing you from seeing yourself and all the good care you deserve, but it’s preventing you from being realistic about your journey. You’re not going to wake up one day and be smaller. Of course you’d be unable to see your progress when you look at yourself in the mirror—you said it yourself, you “can not stand looking at yourself in the mirror.”

There are lots of books that you can read to help you develop a new perspective on yourself and this journey. You can check out a few of my recommendations here. Most importantly, I would research whether or not your campus offers therapy from a professional who specializes in empathy and helping you develop self-compassion. The world will always find a way to devalue you and none of us, regardless of size or skin or hair texture are exempt. We’re devalued and then sold products that we convince ourselves will “improve” us. We’re devalued and then some stranger who wants to take advantage of us tries to tell us what we want to hear, so we’ll give them what they want. We’re devalued by potential employers—in some cases, to our face—and told we aren’t worth what they’re asking, because they’ve got a budget to accommodate.

There is a lot going on, here. And it’s perfectly and totally okay to ask for help to walk with you through it. As far as the weight loss, start with this: download those three books, and listen to them as you go on daily walks. Talk to a professional to help you develop healthy coping mechanisms. Surround yourself with people who are empathetic and compassionate and trustworthy. (This is the most important part of healing, to me—where shame tries to isolate you and tell you that you deserve it, community tells you “no, you don’t, and we understand.”) Shift emotionally, so that you can prepare yourself for the realities of the world as you seek to shift physically. After all that, I am absolutely certain that both your body and your mind and heart will thank you for it.