When I was overweight, I was always boo’d up. Always. Dated different kinds of men – some were complete fitness freaks (military style), others were… well… not. I was lucky enough to have men who loved me for me in my life, and I’m grateful for the woman I’ve become because of that love.
That being said… I can recall my weight coming up only once in my few years of dating. I can remember saying “Maybe it’s time I start trying to lose a few pounds,” and being told “Aw, you don’t need to lose weight… you’re beautiful just the way you are.”
Pause.
There are, maybe, three different elements to this that need to be addressed in detail.
1) I’m convinced that people say things like this just because they think it’s appropriate to make a kind remark in response to someone making themselves vulnerable. Let’s face it – openly saying, to another person, that it’s time you lose weight (especially if you have a lot to lose) is the equivalent of you admitting it’s time you do something about the big zit on your nose. Sure, you may have learned to live with it, but society sees it and probably judges you (albeit unfairly) for it. Admitting that you want to change something about yourself leaves you vulnerable. It’s admitting that you’d prefer something about yourself be different. The kind response would appear to be something similar to “Aw, it’s not so bad.” I don’t think there’s anything malicious to that – your circle of friends would probably say the same thing. Mine did, but they also supported me all the way, too.
However… the problem with this, to me, is where we respond with “You’re right – I don’t need to lose weight… so I won’t.” Why? You got up the nerve to admit to yourself that it was time to start making some changes, you left yourself vulnerable and open to the idea… then it became too tough, too scary, too nerve-wracking, too frightening. You didn’t want to become one of those people. (I don’t know who “those people” are, but I know “they” exist.) The thought of everything you have to do in order to start losing weight is overwhelming. It’s even kind of an ego blow. Having someone you trust tell you that you don’t need to “go through all that to be beautiful, because you’re beautiful just the way you are” is comforting… but it also allows us to retreat back into our shells if we let it.
2) If I have type 2 diabetes, you know this, and I say it’s time I start trying to lose weight… it’s inappropriate for you to tell me I don’t need to lose weight “because I’m beautiful.” If I want to lose weight because I’m facing health complications, telling me I’m beautiful doesn’t reverse the effects of my diabetes. Being beautiful doesn’t do anything for my heart condition. Being beautiful won’t allow me to take off running to save myself in a zombie invasio– um, let’s just say that being beautiful doesn’t help me run faster. I know I’m beautiful. I’m beautiful at 300lbs, I’ll be beautiful while I’m losing and I’ll be beautiful when I’m done losing.
It’s kind of interesting, though – we always say “beauty is on the inside” and “inner beauty” but we let a line like “you’re beautiful just the way you are” stop us from changing our outside appearance… if we truly believed beauty was an inside trait, we’d know that doing something that’d change our outside appearance wouldn’t affect our inner beauty. I’m the same kind of “beautiful” I was at over 300lbs. That’s no different, to me. So either it’s just a line we feed ourselves to make ourselves feel better, or we truly believe it. We need to make up our minds.
3) There’s also an element of this that speaks to the insecurity of the mate. Yes, I do believe this has to be said, too. If this sentiment is shared repeatedly, with someone beating you over the head with this “you don’t need to lose weight… I like my women with x, y & z” kind of of thing… that’s a problem. Think about how dating works. We like to have arm candy on our arm. We like to walk around with someone we’re proud to have on our arm. For men, its usually that they want their girl to look better than every other girl in the room. For women, we usually like him to be well off, well dressed, well known… some kind of stock.
Now… don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that it absolutely IS better to look like a Victoria’s Secret model. What I am saying is that in this society… we know that the closer one is to that kind of figure, the more they are prized. Why would a significant other intentionally prevent you from doing something they know would garner you more compliments? Why would they try to dissuade you from doing something that you believe would make you better? Why consistently sabotage you? Why try to convince you to stay where you are, if you’ve already admitted (if not to him, at least to yourself) that you’re unhappy where you are?
I’ll just flat out say it. It’s because if you become more prized, they fear having to put forth the effort required to keep you around.
There’s a catch to weight loss, and I can admit this full stop. The more weight you lose, the larger the dating pool grows. It’s strange, because even men whom I’d been around for years were treating me differently. Speaking to me differently. People I’d joked with for years were all of a sudden hugging me closer, touching me differently. Men of different races were approaching me (which means the dating pool grows exponentially.. that is, if that’s your thing.) It’s somewhat bizarre and unfortunate – the fact that there are lots of people out there who simply will not date women beyond a certain weight – but that doesn’t change the fact that it is a very real reality… one that many of our current significant others do not want to face. They’d rather not compete with others for your affection. They’d rather not put forth the effort that would be required to regularly, repeatedly and consistently show you that you belong with them.
I’d never say that people choose overweight mates because they’re “easier”… but I do think that people get comfortable with their mates, and don’t like having to work harder than they’re used to in order to keep them.
I asked #teambgg2wl on FB about this issue, and I got some insightful answers:
Okay if you prefer curves then fine, but remember that it’s my body. If i’m trying to get fit, then that’s my thing. I don’t think they are trying to sabotage you on purpose, but they are thinking only about themselves. A woman I know she goes up and down with her weight. She said simply. “Michelle when a person says, don’t loose to much weight, because you aren’t that big” She said what if they said you aren’t that ugly. or you aren’t that stupid. She left it at that…she didn’t have to explain it.
She also let me know that tons of people will tell me, you won’t look right skinny, or whatever. At the end of the day, who are they? Why do they care? – Farrah
I think some men say that to make you feel good about yourself because they think you feel bad about yourself even if you dont. My husband use to say that to me till we fought, then I was all kinds of fat b****s. The man Im with now see’s a slim girl and be like “she has no meat.” and to me, sometimes, she is a bad chick. I just laugh. I love me regardless if I need to lose weight. – Sonya
Reply to hubby: “thanks babe, I love that unconditional love for me no matter my size, but I’ve got to dig me too, and I’m digging healthier and fit.” Since the hubby is (should be) a keeper, no ultimatums in the response to him, just a gentle reminder of mutual committed love.
Reply to boyfriend: “thanks for appreciating me where I am – I like that…stick around and let’s see if you can appreciate where I’m going cuz that’s onto a fitter and healthier me…you’re welcome to hang around for the ride.” Boyfriends are disposable (don’t believe the hype). A lack of respect for your desires today equals the same tomorrow. Everyone is entitled to their preferences and if the new you isn’t his preference, I think it’s best to keep it moving.
Do you ladies and enjoy it while you’re doing it! – Leslie
My ex – husband told one of our friends “I have to keep her fat so she won’t leave me”. The results of that relationship speak for themselves. By contrast, the man I have now loves me as I am, is affectionate, tells me I’m beautiful, cooks vegetarian meals for us, and goes to the gym with me. He loves me enough to do good by me and my health. – Evelyn
If a man said that to me, husband or boyfriend, I would worry. If Im not happy at a certain weight and I feel the need to lose the pounds, then my partner should be SUPPORTIVE, not encouraging me to stay at the same weight indefinitely or even GAIN MORE WEIGHT. As Evelyn wrote above, I think A LOT of men are scared that once their partner loses weight, their partner will leave. Some men use their (overweight) partner as a a source of self-esteem to build themselves up. Also, for a man to say he doesn’t want you to lose weight when you want to is a form of him trying to control his partner in their relationship. I say NAY to that! We as woman have to stay EMPOWERED and never let a man OR another woman try to tell us what we need or don’t need to do in order to “fit in” or so that he or she can feel superior to us in some way. – Mira
That being said, I think it’s important to say that we all have insecurities… and if your significant other is merely coming from a place of “I fear you might leave me and find someone better” and you genuinely are in it with them for the long haul… then a little reassurance can’t hurt. Now, if you know you’re going to be on the prowl once you get where you want to be, then that’s different… and if you truly believe your significant other is coming from a malicious place (especially if they’re sabotaging you, too), then you might want to consider how “significant” they should really be. We’ve talked about the importance of a support system here, and if mine weren’t as strong as it was, I might’ve failed. They’re way more important than we realize.
I say all of that to say… a line like this can come from a place of good intentions, questionable intentions or maliciousness… but you have to be conscious enough to not let it slow you down or change your mind. I think there’s way more to this than just “you and your weight loss,” but the most important part of this is to not let yourself get sidetracked or stunted by these words. They may be cute and sweet, but if they lull you back into not doing what you need to do? They need to be ignored… and that’s real.
41 comments
As I said on Twitter, I giggled a little when I saw the title 🙂
I think it’s just a politeness thing for guys, kinda like a defense. They’re not quite sure what to say, they’re trying to be polite and make you feel better, so their instant response is something like “aww, you look fine, why worry?” Because they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing and pissing the girl off, right?
See, my automatic answer whenever someone tells me they’re trying to lose weight (because they’ve either made up their mind already or are just testing the waters) is “good for you, that’s awesome!” Because honestly, that’s what I want to hear when I tell people I’m trying to lose weight.
Chris, you are so kind. If you want to be kind and safe just say, “Well, if that is what you want to do, just let me know what I can do to make it easy for you.”
Hello my name is Thembi and I’m a serial in-relationship weight gainer.
I have never been in any relationship or quasi-relationship during which I didn’t gain at least fifteen pounds. There are lots of reasons for this – complacency, focusing on the wrong things in life, my *choice* to neglect my health over appearance (rather my need to look a certain way). In one relationship I gained FIFTY pounds (not because of the relationship, just because my life was in shambles). When I mentioned that I wanted to try to lose the weight, my boyfriend surprised me with one of very few, in fact the only, spontaneous gifts in our 2 year relationship – a (cheap) digital scale. Well thanks.
By and large the men that I’ve dated have two things in common. Aside from being turdballs they all insist that I’m “bigger than thick but not a ‘big girl.'” This goes back to that Mo’Nique thing we talked about a few weeks ago. At a size 14 or 16 sure I’m not the ideal size but I’m not BIG BIG. That’s the weirdo form of reassurance, with a side of steak fries, that these dudes have always offered. Aside from being a form of control, it also lets dudes excuse themselves from belonging to some perverted counterculture that likes “big” women. “Youre not big, I’m not into big girls,” they’d say. And beyond that, I’m fully aware of the male perception that an overweight woman is to some extent desperate, easier to get with (especially casually), and pretty much lets you do whatever. At the end of the day I know that I attract the lames I attract because of my personality and have always had a weight problem because of my own habits. But all of these years of dating have taught me to keep my eyes peeled for ‘that guy.’ It’s a shame that I might filter someone great out if I see those characteristics pop up but hey, it’s really all about me.
Great post! I lost about 60lbs this year and the pool does open a lot more. I agree with you wholeheartedly when you mention that many men want us to stay in full thickness so that we are not as widely attractive to many men. My boyfriend met me over the summer as I was really going hard with the running and lost atleast 25 or so pounds since, he is alway saying I love the fact that you are always trying. Initially I took offense because he said I am trying to look better and he broke it down when I defensively said don’t get it mistaken dudes have been loving this thickness. He retorts those same dudes that love your thickness are looking, living and loving the healthy, slim chicks and marrying them. He continued to say that it is a way of keep us emotionally enslaved because if they keep telling us we look good we wont do anything to better ourselves and therefore their will be less eyes on us. My man loves and encourages my fitter self, stocking my fridge with veggies, buying me a blender for juicing and the fruit and yogurt, lol. SIde bar: A few days ago a guy I was seeing stopped who I had not seen in over a year and a half and he was like damn girl you look different ” you need to get your weight up” smh.. I laughed hysterically .
“He retorts those same dudes that love your thickness are looking, living and loving the healthy, slim chicks and marrying them. He continued to say that it is a way of keep us emotionally enslaved because if they keep telling us we look good we wont do anything to better ourselves and therefore their will be less eyes on us.”
Seriously, that is cringe-worthy… I don’t know whether to call that a hard truth or a shameful reality. Maybe it’s both. Dang.
Yeah Erika i feel you on that one…I remeber discussing this same topic with two girlfriends and a male friend. My friend is slim and i was telling her that a dude would just want to sleep with me and not take me out, but he would take her out because she is slim.. Unfortunately its a hard pill to swallow but im doing this whole weightloss thing for my health.
Wow! As women, we really have to be strong and better ourselves for OURSELVES! You never know the motives behind someones words towards you so you have to be sure you are doing you FOR you. Relationships and friendships can be poisonous. When you enter into a trusting partnership with someone and you believe and respect their words, it is so sad to say but, there are some out there who will exploit you. We have to pray and focus because everyone doesn’t wish us well. Sad.
I felt the same way when I read that. The in your face truth is a little painful to take.
Where is this man and others like him who don’t a sistah whose thick? I’ve been trying to find them or at least be found by them.
What’s amazing is that when my husband and I got together, we were both much heavier than we are now. Early in our relationship, some late night dependent edema scared the living shit out of me, and I started walking two miles every night when i got home from work. Then we joined a gym together. Then when we moved in together I started doing P90x– cooking better and banning all junk from the house.
Now, I think we are in better health and shape than we’ve both been in a long time (him since high school, me since EVER). He never once told me I don’t need to change a thing about myself… he’s just been uber supportive and going along with me for the ride. He does provide me a nice reality check when I start beating myself up (I’m still battling that) reminding me of our progress and that I was FAHN before and I’m MO FAHN because I’m healthier with more energy and confidence. **shrug**
Still a woman in progress…
Thank you for using my comment, Erika! I appreciate it! 🙂
I had one guy who wanted me to stay a certain weight; needless to say that relationship did not last. If I want to better myself, whether through weight loss, going back to school, seeking therapy, I need support and encouragement, not someone who is okay with me staying in the same place and never accepting or understanding my need to GROW as a person.
I am grateful for your blog, as are many others! Keep it up, SIS! ♥
I admit I had to laugh when I read this only because I had a similar conversation with my man last night. We were discussing my goal and he thinks it is too low. He does not want to date a “skinny” girl. I just want to be happy and healthy and i told him losing a little more weight will allow me to do this.
great post
I dated a man for two years who used my weight as a weapon against me. When I met him I weighed over 300lbs. At time of meeting him I had already been fed up of my weight and was working on it. He claimed he loved how I was finally deciding to not be fat. It crushed me how he teased me and made me afraid to even pick up a fork. Months later I lost about 30lbs and and were having a conversation about what was my overall goal. I told him I wanted to be 175lbs. He took my goal and used it against me. Love had me blind and I started wantin to lose the weight for him rather than for me. Long story short, after 2yrs of loving him friends made me realize he was not the one for me and no matter how much weight I lost he wasn’t happy with himself. The break up point for me was when I asked him how come he doesn’t take me out anymore and he said because he was tired of going out with a fatty (for lack of censorship) and seeing ugly dudes walk around with hot chicks and I have u. I was devastated and the next day he found the locks changed with his clothes outside. After losing weight I saw my options got better but most of all I learned to ditch a loser and love myself. Today, 85lbs lighter, every pound I lose I laugh at hime 🙂
I’ve seen this happen first hand with my mother. My mom weight has always fluctuated with stress. When she’s stressed she eats. Once that stress is over and she can actually focus on herself instead of the stress her eating dramatically improves. Now when her eating improves she also jumps back into exercising. My step father will walk with her…but let her do any more than the small bit of exercise he is doing with her and it’s “oh you don’t need to do all that.” or “why you trying to get all cute”. He even tries to clean it up with the “don’t go too hard or too often you may hurt yourself”. It takes everything in me to say NEGRO PLEASE! LOL
I’ve been lucky because as soon as I got real and made my statement of wanting to lose weight my bf was right there. He was like “ok good lets make a plan”. He did say he would love me any which a way but if I was ready to make a change he was gonna be right there with me. He goes harder than me sometimes which is a definite gift because I’m competitive. lol
I think weight loss should be a personal thing. Lose or maintain a healthy weight because 1) you want to LIVE longer, and 2) because you want to look/feel good. It’s nice to want to be attractive for dating purposes, but IMO, when you’re to do/be all these things for/to yourself FIRST, EVERYTHING else falls into place by default.
I agree with you 100%! Confidence, self love and the pursuit of healthy living is the key to attract who is best for you. Increasing the dating pool is not the end all, although a great perk. Again, that makes the focus of your goals “men” and not yourself.
I agree with everything you said in this post. I am married and during our first two years of dating I gained 30-40lbs. Well, I’ve just lost that extra weight and am at a lower weight than he has ever seen me at and he is not accustomed to seeing all of the attention that men are showing me now that I have got my coke bottle frame back….and yes, he has definitely stepped his game up LOL!!!
I can relate. I’m not overweight, however I have been eating poorly and not exercising. I have high cholesterol and of course due to these habits it has gone up. I know that with cleaner eating and exercise I will probably go from an 8 to a 4/2. Most of the males I know and some females ask “why you working out, you already slim, you gon look sick if you lose weight”.
I’m trying not to worry about it. I got praise for gaining the unhealthy weight. I gotta learn to block out the comments and focus on my health.
Coming at this from the perspective of a woman who dates women, I’m inclined to speak. Being a woman, I know all too well the discomfort that can be looking in the mirror. Though my weight isn’t an issue at all, my overall health is a top concern of mine, as well as the self-esteem issues I’m still working out from childhood. With my partner, she’s a few sizes bigger than I and has started to feel bad about her weight. That said, every now and then she says she’s ready to start losing weight. I make it known that I fully support her in her quest, but a few times she’s gotten upset (I won’t lie, it’s been at “that time of the month”) and says my response means that I want her to be thin. In order to avoid a blow-out, in the future I’ve told her that I she looks great the way she is. It’s absolutely true. I would love her no matter what she looks like (though I do worry about her overall health along with my own in the areas of high blood pressure, diabetes, etc.) but sometimes I’m just not sure what to say.
I felt uncomfortable in my own skin for nearly 20 years, so I know what she’s going through. I want to be supportive of her choices without making her feel like I’m urging her in either direction. I go to the gym with her as often as I can. I cook the healthy food for us, but if I can’t get off the couch to make it to the gym, I don’t want her to stop with her goals. I want this to be her choice and her journey, because though we’re living our lives together, unfortunately I haven’t reached the point in my own journey where I’m ready to burn up the treadmill for hours.
I love my girlfriend unconditionally, but do I say things that aren’t what some women would consider questionable to avoid a meltdown? Absolutely, and I’m sure men do as well. My gf does it for me also. It’s not always meant to be malicious and manipulative. Sometimes that’s our way of saying, “I support you no matter what you look like.” Weight loss and body image are always going to be touchy subjects. A friend clowned my feet one summer and I didn’t wear flip-flops for two years, even after an ex told me she loved my feet, completely unprovoked. As much as our significant others here for us to lean on and love, I’ve started to take my body issues much like a patient in rehab: the program only works when I’m ready for it to work. From the perspective of the supportive SO, let us know what you want to hear. If s/he loves you, they’ll listen and respond ten fold.
BEAUTIFUL!!!
The only question my boyfriend asked me was Are you healthy? Every time I would get depressed about my weight, I would say that I needed to lose weight but I wasn’t really committed to it . When he asked the question, I did a bit of self examination and realized there were things I could do to become healthier so I made small changes, but the true motivation for me was when I stepped on the scale and realized how much my weight had gone up over the years. I realized I didn’t want to live my life taking medication so I started exercising and eating healthier. My boyfriend completely understands when I rearrange our plans to ensure I get a workout in.
I’ve been lucky in that he’s supported me every step of the way and he’s made changes that will make us both healthier in the long run.
I think it is a little presumptuous to assume that men want to keep us big so that we will not be as attractive to other men.
There are just some men who are genuinely attracted to larger women and if they are losing something they are attracted to, of course they want it to stay the same. Just like men who are attracted to slim fit women and do not want them to gain any weight.
All that said, if they are truly loving and supportive of you, then they should not hesitate to be there for you and help you accomplish your goals.
And anyone who is not willing is not worth your time.
There are three different scenarios listed here that can apply.
I think it’s a little unnecessarily protective to deny the existence of insecure men just to protect the idea that there are men who are attracted to larger women. Of COURSE there are men who are attracted to larger women – no one has ever denied that. The ISSUE is when, after you’ve passed the “I’m here because I’m attracted to you” phase in a relationship and you’ve moved on to the “I’m here because I want to be here with YOU” phase, your significant other nitpicks you about your weight as if it’s a dealbreaker.
YOU might find it “okay” for a man to nitpick a woman about gaining weight, but I don’t. Same as I find it unacceptable for a man to nitpick a woman for losing weight. NO person I’m involved with romantically can charge me up about my body because it’s not what THEY are attracted to. You don’t like me where I am and where I’m going? Step.
I’m starting to feel like women need to get their heads together. There is NO reason to be that attention hungry that you deny the fact that insecure people try to control women through their weight, and there is NO reason to act like acknowledging the existence of those insecure people means that ANY person who is attracted to larger women is automatically insecure. C’mon, y’all. Seriously.
I agree with you there are men who are indeed genuinely attracted to larger curvier women, they absolutely do not think that those women are less attractive because they are curvier than most ( In some countries of Africa big is still a sign of beauty) When you look at the site about bbw you can see that a lot of men are there for curvier women. Besides you can still be curvier AND be healthy like in the video you posted about size not necessarily reflecting health. I am all for being healthy because that what matters most. Some women will exercise eat healthy and still be curvier.
Otherwise I agree with your statement if a man is not supportive then step out
I can truly relate. I was married for 22 years and when i met my ex, i was a size 10. When we married, I was a size 12, fast forward 10-15 years, I was an 16W-18W. When he came back from overseas in Iraq, he looked at me with disdain, but whenever I would lose weight he would tell me that I was skinny enough. When i realized that my marriage was over, I began to work on myself. He ridiculed me saying that I wouldn’t stick to it but I did and am continuing to do so. By the time I filed for divorce, I was down to a 14 and now i am a 10-12. I am working on being my college 10 but many years have passed and I just want to be free of emotional negligence and bad health. I realized that he was the reason for my weight roller coaster, because I allowed him to matter in how I felt about myself. Not anymore. 25 years was enough between the dating and the marriage and I thank God everyday that He gave me the strength and courage to be free of the madness and for me to empower myself emotionally and physically.
There ARE men who are genuinely attracted to fat women, but of course a certain amount of fatness to that. Personally, there are women whom I find prettier with those baby cheeks. They look kinda old and wrinkled when skinny. But their bodies will definitely be hot! I personally do not want to go skinny all the way so I can keep a little bit of them baby cheeks. Hubby complains when in bed with me about certain bits of cuddly flesh that he does not feel anymore. He is happy with the way I sleep better, and less headaches and cramps though. I choose to be healthy, fit and strong.
I once had a boyfriend who didn’t quite like me the way I was, and would hammer me about loosing weight (and I was aware I had to). The trouble was that… Hum, he was so snarky and sarcastic in his comments that it hurt: His theorical aim may have been good, but the way he put it in practice it was hardly encouraging or boosting for one’s self-esteem. I was kind of relieved when we broke up.
Having the possibility of choice, I’d take the kinder boyfriend who accepts you as you are, but will also make encouraging comments when you take steps in the right direction (clean eating, more exercising…): I must add, however, that over the last year (in which I’ve been positively changing my eating habits), the most supportive attitude has come from my female friends, hum.
Great post! I’ve always dated men who claim to love my rolls cause they like “thick girls,” and loved my size but I’d sure catch them going gaga over a pic of a video vixen like Ki Toy or Melyssa Ford, who are certainly smaller than I have ever been :-/ Don’t believe the hype…cause as another poster stated her boyfriend said, alot if the men saying this nonsense would be equally attracted to or date women smaller than you. Many of these bfs I dated are now with much skinner women. I have learned the hard way when I was overweight, some people said I was too big, but when I list alot of weight some men said I was too skinny. Opinions are a dime a dozen, so we had better find our own level of satisaction with our bodies, in spite of what anyone outside of ourself has to say!
@ Perkisha: “Opinions are a dime a dozen, so we had better find our own level of satisaction with our bodies, in spite of what anyone outside of ourself has to say!”
^^ This. Yep!!!
Erika thank you so much for writing this article. I dated a man last year who was very upset that i even EXPRESSED the desire to lose weight. He told me many stories about women that he’s passed up because they were “too skinny” for his taste, and if i was to lose the weight that he wouldn’t be able to look at me the same. At that point i was interested in having gastric bypass surgery and he told me many times that he would dump me if i did it, because i didn’t need it. Mind you, I was 300 lbs. lol Anyway I ended up dumping HIM, moving on with my life and losing 44 lbs so far without the surgery. There are men out there who are very adamant about this issue.
I tell you, the thoughts of the mind go way deep. Everyone sees the same subject a different way. Even when we agree, our journies can be quite different. I skimmed through the post, but what I gathered from it is allowing your mate’s opinion to determine what we should do with our bodies. (sighs) I think I am beautiful now. But I do not want to be carrying this much fat on my body for much longer. I DON’T think it’s attractive and I don’t want to be standing naked in front of my husband looking like this. It just doesn’t sit will with me. But, if I tell my husband that I want to lose weight – I would tell him why AND my plans for accomplishing the goal. And I hope that he would understand. And I surely don’t want him nitpicking at me about my weight; ON THE OTHER HAND, excessive weight is dangerous, and if I am gaining weight through unhealthy habits and my husband LOVINGLY points it out so WE can get some help or just get back on track, then I am not mad at it (maybe I can say that right now because I am not in the position). Telling a loved one that excessive weight is unhealthy, to me is not the bad part. It when you make them feel less of a person by making fun of them or telling/showing them that you will love them less due to who they currently are.
YES! Preach! I’ve heard many men on the internet tell me they liked me the way I am. Please don’t lose my butt and boobs. Whatever! There is a wider net of dating potential when you are not overweight and since I do prefer white men, I need to cast my net wide.
I’ve read this post before but that was before I was ready to start my journey to the land of fitness. Now that I’m embarking on that journey, my fiance has been cautiously supportive (best phrase I can use). He has known me for years and has seen me at my lowest weight and of course now at my highest weight and I know he thinks I’m beautiful for reasons beyond my weight. When I tell him I’m ready to make lifestyle changes, he says this: “I don’t think you’re too fat at all but if you’re unhappy then I will support you in whatever you choose to do.” On the other hand he worries that I’ll lose some of the physical features he enjoys so much now. I don’t blame him. I’m worried too–but I would rather lose a cup size or two and a bit of posterior in exchange for increased cardio capacity and lower risk of hypertension and other diseases exacerbated by excessive weight.
I say this every time I post and I’m saying it again,- I love this site! There are SO many days I just want to throw in the towel and go to Popeye’s but something here always sparks me to stay on track. Like this article. I have been single for almost a decade, 38 and never married. I have been in denial, denial, denial but know my weight is a major factor. Not only because a broad cross section of men don’t find me attractive but also because I (insert bold, underline, italics) don’t find me attractive. The self-awareness that I’ve gained has shown me that because I cringe when a man states “I love a big girl, heh, heh, heh” proves that it’s about ME and finding the man I want- not just the man who will tolerate me at this weight. Granted, I don’t think I’m all that big (a solid/not sloppy 16/18) but again, that may be that denial thing. LOL. All I can do is keep trying and hopefully the right man will see me me for what I am- inside and out.
@ CleverOne: Lady, you are too hard on yourself. I thought you were about to say you were a size 34 or something. A 16/18 is just past the standard size of the American woman (14). If you want to lose weight, you need to do it for health reasons because you want to lose, not because you think it will attract men. I can tell you from personal experience that most of the internal/emotional issues that you have will NOT go away with weight loss. You may be more confident in wearing clothes, but there are other things behind the way you feel about yourself. You also must take into account the reality of losing weight just to attract male attention. If you get married, get pregnant, gain weight and struggle to lose the baby weight (as 75% of women struggle to do), then what? Does the marriage fall apart over 40 lbs of baby weight? I reiterate that if you feel you need to lose weight, just make sure it’s for the right reasons. Also, counseling/therapy work wonders. It can help you get to the real root of emotional issues. Congrats on your life journey and be blessed.
“… if we truly believed beauty was an inside trait, we’d know that doing something that’d change our outside appearance wouldn’t affect our inner beauty. I’m the same kind of “beautiful” I was at over 300lbs. That’s no different, to me. So either it’s just a line we feed ourselves to make ourselves feel better, or we truly believe it. We need to make up our minds.”
Preach! People say this, but few really believe this. More women subscribe to this than men in that there are TONS of women dating men who are overweight, but you rarely see a fit man dating a significantly overweight woman. The double standard has softened, but it is still VERY much in place.
Having been a heavy person all my life of course I can be really sensitive about my weight. when my husband and I first got together he told me that if I ever gained weight he would tease me to make me lose it. I told him that that would not work for me since that usually has the opposite effect. I have gained and lost weight multiple times over the years, and he has never teased me, but I’ve always felt that he would like it if I were smaller. I think he does, but he never wants me to be “too skinny” NOW thick is in, and he likes having something to hold on to. LOL
I have had other males tell me the same when they hear me talking about losing weight.
I have always felt though that your weight is a personal thing…and you can’t do it because someone else approves or disapproves of your weight. Personally I am now 41, everyone tells me I look much younger and I am trying to make sure I look younger and live LONGER and that is why I am trying to lose weight.
LOVE your topics!
I think change, and especially a significant change, can stir up insecurity in a partner who is not well grounded to begin with, and I’m glad you posted some difficult thoughts on the topic of losing weight. I had a similar experience with an ex-boyfriend when I decided to go back to graduate school (on a full scholarship!) after realizing that my job at the time was not viable in the long term. He thought I should become the “office manager” for his landscaping business instead because I was “so detail-oriented” and he needed someone to do the paperwork that he hated. I saw through that mess and went back to school and we eventually broke up. The whole situation shed some light on the fact that he really didn’t want what was best for me, he wanted me to be what was best for HIM…and that is not the basis of the trusting egalitarian relationship I strive for. Fast-forward 8 years and I’m in a much better place personally and professionally, and am watching one of my best girlfriends going through this with her husband (who bitches that she’s not home enough and is always working on papers…she’s working full-time and going to school at night). Sometimes these things are like a crucible that burns through the BS and uncovers what’s really underneath, a gem or fool’s gold.
Kudos to those negotiating this process…I’m pulling for you! 🙂
I have been thin my whole life and have been ridiculed by women mostly commenting on how thin, I had a complex and always wanted to gain weight behind other peoples comments.I have had some men not want to date me because Im thin, so it goes both ways, I am now a little bigger than I was in high school and now I have men that didnt like me before try an hit on me, so bottom line be happy with you, if you dont like it change it. I love me just how I am and my future mate will have to love me thin or keep it moving. Beauty is skin deep, so elude your confidence and when youve reached your goal be happy with you. Love this blog and again Im not a bigger woman but have have negativity thrown at me for my size, being too little, really!!!! I love me and so does God!!!! God luck to all those who are on their weight loss journey 🙂
Ok, you ladies got me on this one..When I was married I was at my heaviest..217..damn I can’t believe I actually wrote that down. I know for some that may not seem like alot but for my frame..it was killin me, knees aching, no energy. My ex never mentioned it, just kept cooking and cheating, never said a word about my weight, even though I was about 50 pounds heavier than when we met.
He knew I had self esteem issues, so I think that was his way of keeping me docile, since I was over weight I would put up with his crap cuz no one would want me. I would come home from work throw on some sweats and eat whatever smothered madness he had cooked, alone. I remember when he left I decided to put on some jeans and go out, they only came to my knees, I was devistated. Yes, my work clothes were getting smaller lol, but that was because (insert excuse). I started REALLY working out, no more walking for an hour and coming home and sitting on the couch.(flash forward 18 months) The day I put on a pair of jeans that he said I looked good in..they fell off roflmao! Never again will I be with someone who doesn’t want me to do better!
Thank you very much for writing this. I have been struggling lately within my relationship with my fiance. Since falling in love with him I have gained a whooping 50 pounds. I loved being 150 pounds before, to me I was perfect…but now I am 200 pounds (YIKES!). He makes me feel good about my body still, but when ever I talk about losing the weight which I gained I hear comments like, “you don’t need to lose weight, I like you the way you are.” or “I like women with some meat on their bones…more booty on my cutie.” I have also noticed that he has grown quite comfortable around me and not in a good way. I have vowed to lose this weight and get back to 150 pounds. He gon have to work for my love!
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