Make It At Home: Sexy Ranch Dressing

You heard right. This is my “Sexy Ranch” dressing.

I heard you askin’ already – why is it Sexy Ranch?!

Here’s why:

My ranch is sexy because this ranch… is not.

16tbsp = 1 cup. I paid about $2.50 for 1 cup of ranch dressing in a funny shaped supaskinny bottle with semi-modern package design.

Inside that $2.50 cup of ranch dressing, I get 16 tablespoons of dressing, with each tablespoon giving me 140 calories.

Inside that $2.50 cup of ranch dressing, I get ingredients like phosphoric acid, natamycin, disodium guanylate, and xanthan gum. Yeah. If you can tell me what any of that is, that’d be great.

I snatched up some stuff from my kitchen that definitely cost more than $2.50 altogether. I snatched up things like:

1/3 teaspoon of sea salt (maybe even less.. just a pinch worked for mine)

about 1/3 cup of parsley

2 tablespoons of finely chopped green onions (chopped however finely you’d prefer it in your dressing)

1/3 teaspoon of black pepper

1 cup of real mayonnaise (do us BOTH a favor and don’t use Miracle Whip) (~700 calories)

buttermilk (I used about 2 cups, you may use more or less) (about 100 calories per cup)

2 teaspoons of minced garlic

1 teaspoon of cream cheese (~10 calories)

1 tablespoon of finely chopped onion

I tossed everything in the bowl, except the buttermilk. Go on and mix that all up. Give it a taste and see how you like it.

Then, go ahead and pour in your buttermilk, one cup at a time. Stir it after each cup, and give it a little pinky-taste-test. You know, put a dollop on your pinky and taste it to see what kind of taste it leaves on your tongue. Add the second cup. At this point, decide whether or not you want it thinner (and if so, add more buttermilk.)

Want it more tangy? Go with squeezing a liiittle lemon over it. Want it spicy? Hit up the paprika and cayenne pepper. Want somethin’ different? Add a little flax seed to it, or grab the chili powder. Make this YOUR recipe. YOU are the one that has to enjoy it, and you need to convince yourself that this is the safer option for your ranch fetish. Is time an issue? Tell yourself that the only way you can enjoy ranch dressing is if you make it yourself.

I recommend making sure you have extra ingredients left over just so that you can personalize the recipe the way you want. Ranch is, essentially, about throwing the whole farm in the pot and putting it the way you like it – I put a little paprika in mine, I squeeze a little lime over mine… might even put a little lime zest (lime shavings) on top and stir it in.  Try anything – try everything! Make use of your kitchen. I can assure you, it’s totally fun… and takes all of 15 minutes. Grab a squeeze bottle from your nearest dollar store or grocery (or dump out your old ranch and rinse the bottle, LOL), and pow – you’re all set!

Now.. let’s compare. Even if you had to BUY all the ingredients for my ranch, you can still use them in other dishes. I had everything in my home already. It’s not a total loss on the investment.

I used 2 cups of buttermilk. This gave me a little more than 3 cups of ranch dressing. Let’s do the math:

3 cups of dressing = 700(calories from the mayo) + 200(calories from 2 cups of buttermilk) + 10(calories from the cream cheese)

Kraft’s 1 cup of dressing totals 2240 calories. 2080 of which are from fat.

My 3 cups of ranch total 910 calories. Putting it on par with the Kraft, that means that for every 1 cup, my dressing gives you about 303 calories. I didn’t calculate fat calories, but I can assure you it’s much less than 2080.

303…is much less than 2240. Seriously.

My ranch is Sexy Ranch because it’s not gonna prevent you from preserving your sexy. I’m serious.

Best of luck, and don’t forget to tell me how it turns out!