Home Q&A Wednesday Q&A Wednesday: But… Would YOU Date An Overweight Person?

Q&A Wednesday: But… Would YOU Date An Overweight Person?

by Erika Nicole Kendall

Bear with me, y’all. Just… trust me.

After a handful of posts I’d written and seen discussed not only here but on other websites, I’d started receiving e-mails about dating overweight people and not wanting to do so after one has lost weight.

When I originally wrote,

when you’re in a position like mine, you start to notice a lot about people’s dating habits. You also wind up making friends with guys who admit their dating preferences freely, knowing that – since you’re no longer fat – they won’t offend you. I’ve had men admit to me that they get chewed out for dating so many non-Black women, but they don’t seek out women who are simply non-Black – they seek out women who are fit. They seek out women who work out. They meet women and make friends in the gym, the one place where they spend all their non-work time, and want a partner that not only understands that but will be right there with him…working out. They don’t want a partner who complains about how much time they spend “up in the gym, just workin’ on their fitness.” You and I might know that now, but I certainly didn’t know it before.

…this triggered people to ask me if this is a legitimate reason to want to not date someone who is overweight.

The answer is no, it’s not, and I’ll tell you why.

Even though I’m far more fitness-minded than I used to be, throughout my journey I dated men who were of varying sizes. To me, it was far more important that I find a man who was open-minded, encouraging, supportive, secure in himself, possessed father figure qualities (I felt like I screwed up choosing a good man to help me create my child… I wasn’t going to choose another and wind up right back in the same situation, or worse), was thirsty for knowledge and always wanted to learn, was emotionally stable, and financially solvent. If he was always willing to learn plus emotionally stable and was overweight, then dating me would’ve resulted in him adopting my healthier habits, anyway. I mean, I do all the cooking and I always encourage “fit dates” – by that, I mean “dates that don’t revolve around food” – so, as long as he didn’t have the weird attachment to food (read: emotional eating) that I had and as long as he was willing to learn and adapt to my habits, there was no problem with his size, for me.

All throughout my life, I’d never really chosen mates based on their appearance. I’m far more smarts-driven than I am looks-driven – and yes, we could discuss whether my unwillingness to judge my own looks manifested itself in how much weight I gave appearance in my men – and would much rather have a partner who could explain civil responsibility and economics to a young 23-year-old me, than have “the guy all the girls are fawning over.” And while I’m sure that both qualities can exist in the same man – brilliant and attractive – I’m also certain that competition is high for him, or he might have a third quality that might make me want to vomit. Whatever.

The reality of weight, to be honest, is that while there are many of us who have emotional issues that result in weight issues, there are also plenty of people who aren’t dealing with that, and are simply swept up in the habit/environment/activity cycle. If a potential partner is willing to learn and open to change, then he’s halfway there. If you tell him about your day and, after you say “after I work I usually hit the gym…” if his response isn’t “the gym? Is that because you don’t have better things to do?” or “yeah, I don’t do the gym… or working out at all.” then assume you might have a shot, here.

When I hear people say they don’t want to date someone who’s overweight, it simply reeks of fat prejudice. What you’re really looking for, is an easy way to ascertain whether or not someone “has problems” or will prevent you from handling your biz, and being fat looks like a great way to identify “excess baggage.” And, while I get it – time is limited, you don’t want to waste it on someone who has more problems than you’re unwilling to work with, yadda yadda – it’s still lazy work. There are thin people who binge eat and hide it well, there are people with emotional issues that never manifest themselves negatively in a person’s appearance (notice how often you hear folks joke about how “crazy always hides in the pretty”), and there are people who are naturally thin and simply wouldn’t understand your incessant need to always be doing something. That’s also a huge problem.

I don’t know, y’all.. it just seems like it’s so much easier for me to have a partner who has what I want personality-wise who is also willing to become more fitness-minded than to have a partner who is extremely fitness-minded but is also a jerk. And while, of course, you can have both a great guy who is also fitness-minded, that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about whether something as innocuous as body-size should count as a strike, and why.

When I started dating my current partner, he wasn’t in perfect shape. He just kind of fell into this weird combination of habits that resulted in him gaining weight. As I wrote before, we did a lot of talking. He was interested in my past and how I got to the point where I am now. He wasn’t approaching it from the standpoint of “oh my gosh how did you do it so I can do it too,” it was just from a “if I’m going to be a part of this woman’s life, this is what I’m going to have to accommodate” perspective… and it was fun. I had to meet him where he was and he had to do the same for me – compromise, yay – which eventually resulted in us doing five mile walk/runs a day as a family – which turned out to be a great bonding experience for my daughter and him – and a much healthier, happier him, also losing a little weight in the process.

To make an unnecessarily long story short, the problem isn’t the weight. The problem is a combination of negative qualities that people think they can spot in a person just because of their size… and it’s simply not the case. “Problems” are not size-specific; being thin doesn’t preclude you from being unsupportive, and being overweight doesn’t mean you’re going to automatically make your partner gain weight. It’s much more about the qualities that contribute to a willingness to adapt, reflect and compromise (which, unsurprisingly, are necessary in long-lasting relationships anyway, IMO) than anything else, and those exist in all body-sizes and types. A reader wrote in talking about how her husband was super fit but didn’t want her working out at all – how does that fit into the narrative?

I may be the only one who does this, but I have a hierarchy of qualities for when it comes to picking a mate. Things like “great father figure,” “compromising” and “brilliant thinker” rank awfully high. Things like “secure in himself” and “exceptional lover” are middle-ground. “Be built like The Rock?” Chile, bye.

(But if The Rock happens to give me a call, someday… um, let’s just hope he calls before the wedding. Or let’s just hope my almost-Hubby is pretty understanding.)

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Ms. Tracie G. :o) May 30, 2012 - 11:37 AM

LOL, I really loved this. Excellently balanced perspective; thank you for sharing!

Tess December 18, 2013 - 6:41 PM

I was wondering doesn’t anyone think that it is better for someone to be “real” than to be with someone who tries to be with a person because of who they are but cannot get themselves to be attracted to them sexually.

Why doesn’t anyone say anything about people that don’t like dating short people? It’s the same type of prejudice. I do not believe overweight folks should be ostracized but I don’t think its right to vilify individuals because of their dating preference.

No one has talked about the mentality that comes from a person who is consistently trying to be fit. It is a type of determined mind frame that generally gravitates towards other aspects in that persons life. There is also the consideration of a person possibly having to work at helping a persons self esteem who is overweight. We know that those with low self-esteem and self-worth tend to have issues that require a lot of emotional high maintenance some people cannot deal with.

Sometimes things have more depth than what we may think. Just my thoughts!

Kaycee May 30, 2012 - 12:40 PM

I agree with almost every single word you wrote E. But I wonder about the usage of the word “prejudice”. It may seem like a small thing, but what I’m thinking is that could you not replace it with “preference” and still have your piece read the same?

Looks is not on my list at all. Never have been. Don’t imagine they will be. But he will for sure be righteous, funny, and intelligent. One could make the argument that I am prejudiced against non-Christian, stupid, and dull men. Now, they may be right, but I wonder where the line is drawn?

How do we determine preference versus prejudice? I would never entertain a non-Christian in any way other than as a friend. In fact, my stomach kind of turned as I wrote that. So do I have a preference/requirement versus prejudice/bias?

Etymyology is a lazy hobby of mine… :O)

Erika Nicole Kendall May 30, 2012 - 3:57 PM


Merriam-Webster defines prejudice as, “an irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics.” There’s also “‘(1) : preconceived judgment or opinion (2) : an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge” and “an instance of such judgment or opinion.”

This isn’t about preferences, the part where I specifically mentioned fat prejudice. The idea that a fat person has some kind of problem – be it emotional or otherwise – BECAUSE they are fat… is prejudice.

There’s a difference between you preferring Christian men over non-Christian men and you holding negative perceptions of non-Christian men BECAUSE they are non-Christian. It becomes a prejudice when you say “I want Christian men because non-Christian men have [insert alleged flaw].”

Kaycee June 19, 2012 - 5:31 PM

Okay, I get it. It’s the source of the attribution. Gotcha!

Dani May 30, 2012 - 1:27 PM

Great post! My husband is naturally thin and can truly eat what he wants with no visible physical consequences (of course, he had less energy and ability to focus). When we first met he was all about just swinging by the bodega and picking up hot pockets and mystery meat sandwiches. He really didn’t start eating vegetables or fresh meat/poultry until we started to date. It makes me laugh when men try to make their fat phobia about health because lots of those guys eat very similarly to how my husband did.

Could you give some ideas for “fit dates”? We are starting to leave the kids at home and go out, but so far we have just been lining up restaurants. Would love to think of other options.

Dominique May 30, 2012 - 2:03 PM

I love this! I feel the same way. And to be honest, despite trying to be healthier, I love a chunky man! Ice Cube, Jeezy, midrange David Banner. YES LAWD! 😛

But I’ll date a skinny man too. It’s more about his overall personality than his appearance!

Grace @ Grace Dishes May 30, 2012 - 2:19 PM

Very thought-provoking.

I think people are free to admit what they are attracted to. Chemistry is so key. I definitely believe in giving everyone a chance though because you never know! Physical appearance changes with the years so if that’s the only basis of your attraction then that no doubt will fizzle!

CO May 30, 2012 - 3:18 PM

It’s funny you mention that person who wrote in saying her man doesn’t want her to work out at all. A friend of mine mentioned that as a quality he liked/wanted – a woman who can maintain her figure without working out. I don’t quite understand it. First, exercising is for way more than looks, but is it really a bragging point if you don’t exercise? Second, what type of misperception is this person tuned in to where he thinks people look fabulous without some hard work? It just doesn’t work that way, save for a lucky few.

Erika Nicole Kendall May 30, 2012 - 3:47 PM

He doesn’t want her having something that’s gonna prevent her from being able to spend time with him, plain and simple. He doesn’t want to call her, and hear “Yeah, I’m on my way to the gym, I’ll be there in a couple of hours,” when he actually wants her there NOW. It’s wack, but it’s real. :/

Rooo May 18, 2013 - 1:57 PM

Those types (I won’t say “men”) belong in the same category as the ones who want “looks great in jeans to ballgown, and in five minutes” who don’t want you to spend any money on hair and makeup, nor any time in the bathroom getting ready. Chile, bye.

/endless eyeroll

Rooo June 5, 2013 - 1:39 PM

“It’s wack, but it’s real.”

Can these types be required to wear a sign, or a tattoo on the forehead, or something? Because I’m quite fed up with running into the syndrome.


Larissa May 30, 2012 - 3:44 PM

Love that you have been open minded to your dating. I would like to think I am as well, but I am not too comfortable in my fat thick skin, so I am not sure if I can date someone too big. With that being said I would not count it out however, it would make me self conscience. I got my own hang ups and I am well aware but I would be thinking people are saying “Dam, the both of them are big” I know it is the wrong way to think but it is where my mind would be.

KjenNu May 30, 2012 - 3:57 PM

Well, that’s what I get for making broad generalizations. I just assumed that women were (way) more willing to date bigger men. (However, I do still think women have a broader weight range than men. Yes, even the women who refuse to date “overweight” men.)
For SOME of these women, I wonder if part of their desire stems from wanting revenge for feeling as if their own hefty size were causing them to be rejected for so long.
To be honest, part of me understands that feeling as well. Women are so often judged and rejected based on our appearance, that the part of me who doesn’t want to “rise above it,” says, “girl, do your own thing.”

soulsentwined May 30, 2012 - 5:01 PM

As long as a guy is average looking and has a good personality, I can work with him. And average in the USA includes a lot of chubby people. Once I get to know a guy he will become more or less attractive to me depending on his personality.

Annette May 31, 2012 - 12:55 AM

Would I date an overweight male for me it wasn’t all about physical it was about the type of person he is. There was a guy that I worked with he was just so much fun, easy to talk to. I was drawn to him, I know he was overweight but that wasn’t what stood out. It was funny cause he was a totally different person around me. He almost had a heart attack when I invited him to a get together with my friends. He was never asked out by a women and was so cute that was what I saw. I knew he was fat, he was also balding. I was younger than him also. I couldn’t hide my feeling and was totally attracted to him.

Everyone thought I was crazy but I would have dated him if he said yes. The issue with us was race and cultural difference. Whenever I think of him I just smile he touched my heart. During this time I was a lot smaller and lost a lot of weight through diet and exercise program.

Another person reminded me of Heavy Dee he was a little bigger. His issue wasn’t his weight but his lack of confidence in himself. He was just establishing himself out of school. Didn’t feel he was established enough to date.

It has been more about what type of person they are..some of the Hot looking guys had some of the nastiest personalities. Didn’t like being around them, some were abusive, chauvinistic. I was looking for educated, caring, like sports, gentle, knowledgeable, open minded, fun, with the ability to grow and learn, adventurous type of guy who have an even temper.

I just couldn’t close my eyes to some of their personal traits no matter how fine they were. It didn’t last long, cause I had no respect for the type of person they are. Some were emotionally just no available at all.

Being attracted enough to date someone has never been all about the physical appearance, cause it wears off really fast then you see who you are dealing with.

It’s about the person, their goals hopes and dreams, can they listen, will they be there for me in a supportive way. Is he into long term relationships, is he respectful, intelligent, invested in himself and his personal growth. Can he support himself, does he have a great career, is he going places, what type of temperament does he have.

I guess because I grew up watching my aunts, sisters, cousins and friends go through being attracted to only the physical not knowing the person and putting their children through some horrible experiences. Also my experiences has shown me it is not only about the physical appearance.

max May 31, 2012 - 6:20 AM

Great post. And I agree with you that to refuse to date someone who is overweight is stupid (I’m paraphrasing lol) and reeks of fat prejudice.

I will say this though: my boyfriend is awesome and he is overweight. And as someone who is struggling with overcoming disordered eating habits and getting fit and strong, it’s hard sometimes. It’s frustrating to work hard to get healthy and stay motivated to work out when the person you’re with is stuffing himself with chips and candy and has every excuse in the world not to work out. It makes you feel like you’re alone on a life raft. So if someone in my situation had an aversion to being with an overweight person, I could kinda see that. But that’s really more about mindset than weight.

Erika Nicole Kendall May 31, 2012 - 8:32 AM

I agree with you. “Stuffing himself with chips” is DEFINITELY a mindset thing, I’m sad to say. I wonder what’s going on there. 🙁

max May 31, 2012 - 8:59 AM

I know right? He seems like such a happy well-adjusted man…until you look at his eating habits.

lynaya May 31, 2012 - 9:08 PM

I totally agree with everything in this post however I found the “secure in himself” being middle ground to be rather curious. That’s one of the things at the top of my list. I mention this because I think we often assume that overweight ppl are not secure in themselves. Of course, we know that’s not always true. But I think its a part of the fat prejudice you mentioned. Once again, excellent topic. Some friends of mine were surprised I was interested in an overweight man….I feel like you Erica. The inside matters much more.

Erika Nicole Kendall June 1, 2012 - 11:24 AM

I put “secure in himself” as a middle-level quality regardless of size, and specifically because most people – gender notwithstanding – are insecure in some way about some thing, and with the right kind of support system (read: their significant other) that can be built upon. It wasn’t my intention to imply anything about size in my putting self-security near the middle. I just find that far more people are more insecure than we OR they think, and also know its not a permanent quality. Everyone can be made better with the right support. 🙂

N April 20, 2015 - 11:58 AM

“Far more people are more insecure than we OR they think, and also know its not a permanent quality…”

^ THIS. A static view of oneself/others as having X or Y negative quality as a ‘character trait’ can be really harmful. The “I’m so anxious” or “I’m so insecure” or “I’m such an out-of-control pig [re: food]” statements are just harsh labels not a true overall picture of ourselves. And mindfulness can help us see that, you know actually, “I only feel insecure in X situation” or “Even though I ate more of that cake than I meant to, my day-to-day diet has been pretty healthy for the last 10 months.”

Such good reminder to separate specific actions and transient mind-states from our global/overall self. Thanks, I needed this today!

Erika Nicole Kendall April 20, 2015 - 4:29 PM

“And mindfulness can help us see that, you know actually, “I only feel insecure in X situation” or “Even though I ate more of that cake than I meant to, my day-to-day diet has been pretty healthy for the last 10 months.””


And <3

Amanda June 6, 2012 - 10:12 AM

Hi! I LOVE this post…even though I saw it linked on Twitter and was scurred of what the content was going to be. But like you said at the beginning of this post I had to “trust” you and I am so glad I did.

Nicki June 6, 2012 - 10:13 AM

I am dating a fat boy and it’s perfectly fine with me. As long as he continues to support my health goals I have no issues. He cooks too!! Lol. Answer love to eat our and he tries to point out Healy conscious locations. Love my teddy bear 🙂

Ursula June 6, 2012 - 10:28 AM

~applause~ I have nothing to add. Just wanted you to know I loved this post!

Jlow June 19, 2012 - 5:05 PM

I disagree. I believe this is a “preference”, but can get to a “prejudice”. If someone only dated people of a specific skin tone because that’s what attracts them, does that mean they are prejudice of people with other skin tones? I don’t see where not dating an overweight person is about judgement of that person, but about simple preference.

Erika Nicole Kendall June 19, 2012 - 5:10 PM

It’s one thing to “prefer” something. It’s another to say “because these people who share THIS trait undoubtedly and without question have THIS flaw, I want X instead.”

Jlow June 25, 2012 - 11:43 AM

I don’t think that a person who prefers one thing means that they see someone without that preference as having a flaw. It’s just that they prefer one trait over another. Sort of like choosing chocolate ice cream over vanilla, even though I like vanilla, I would prefer chocolate. I don’t believe something is wrong with vanilla, but if given both options, I would choose chocolate.

Erika Nicole Kendall June 25, 2012 - 2:51 PM

Comparing flavors to people really doesn’t work with what I’m saying here, because characteristics of humanity can’t be extended to flavors of ice cream.

binks July 29, 2012 - 12:38 AM

Nope, that is just not my preference nor do I feel the need to apologize for it. It has nothing to do with fat prejudice or anything.

Erika Nicole Kendall July 29, 2012 - 9:12 AM

“It has nothing to do with fat prejudice or anything.”


erikacourtney August 9, 2012 - 7:38 PM

I love-love-love this site but I think we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one. I don’t think that having a type is equal to having a prejudice. I understand it when some guys prefer to date thinner women over heavier ones as well – if they aren’t attracted to them (and men are very visual) then it isn’t likely that a relationship can come of it. It is when the men get aggressively rude about it (those 80’s “No Fat Chicks” t-shirts come to mind) that is when it becomes prejudice.

I personally prefer slim to athletic men. I am just instantly physically/sexually attracted to that type. I have gone out with heavier men but they didn’t really do it for me in the physical/sexual way so those relationships did not go very far. Those particular men were not into athletic activities either, however they preferred that I remain physically active so that I would maintain my shape! I guess they had their preferences as well, but as men they get away with it.

I am most definitely into brains first and foremost (I am multi-degreed, they should be too) but, I don’t think it is fair for women to have to discount the physical just because we are thought of as not as visual as men. Looks do matter.

Erika Nicole Kendall August 9, 2012 - 9:23 PM

I’m almost certain I differentiated between having a preference and being prejudiced. There’s no reason for all this pushback if you simply have a preference. I have a preference for broad shoulders. Not because of some inherent shortcoming that I believe scrawny men have.

However, dare I say it but there are some components of sociology that’d argue with the idea that men simply “prefer” thinner women because they’re “more attractive” to them…and that is gender specific for a reason and doesnt apply to women and their preferences….but I don’t know if y’all are ready to discuss that. ROFL

Pam December 5, 2012 - 6:55 PM

Ok I had to read this article a couple of times because at first glance of the title I thought no “Am I prejudiced towards overweight men” it’s mean. The article is great! and the article helped me to reflect back on my exs. I realized that I have always dated athlectic type men not that I always picked those type of men but I guess that what I attracted. For the most part that’s what I would prefer and as your article points out it doesn’t mean I am prejudiced to a certain group of men. Again great article and I love your work.

christine February 13, 2013 - 2:56 PM

I think I commented on this awhile back..I’m just back on the dating scene and I went out with a man who was overweight, but I loved his vibe. We could talk about anything, finally someone who looked at my face and not my chest. Well we met at a pizza place, I commented on how I wanted some, but I wasn’t going to get any. Went to the ladies room and came back and he had ordered 2 huge greasy slices (its 1:30am), I declined. I could tell he was pissed, needless to say that was our last date. For me weight doesn’t matter as much as being able to move around and have fun, and if the monster comes I don’t want you huffing and puffing to get away

JoAnna July 31, 2013 - 3:18 PM

I’m finally fit enough to train in Martial Arts. One of the teachers and I go out to movies and dinners and such. He’s a 6 foot 2 inches FIT to my chubby 5’2″ struggling, at-times clumsy self. Because I still have another 80lbs to go, balancing and slow controlled movements are challenging. It’s a lot easier at first to swing your hips around and let momentum carry your body, then to position your feet correctly because you feel you might fall.

Well, he has been patiently working with me in class and just been a perfect gentleman outside of it. He accepts that I can’t do candy at movies, and only a small water sized cup of popcorn… He lets me cook dinner because I know at least 4 different ways to prepare whatever fresh veggie I have on hand, in addition to just raw. He makes me laugh, and thinks I’m cute, attractive, and funny even when sore and drenched in sweat.

I write this because we were out and ran into an old acquaintance of mine who couldn’t believe that I was on a romantic date with him. Turns out she knew him 10 years ago, and at the time he had flirted with her. They’re both House music fanatics and can tear up any dance floor. The first thing out of her 5’8″ sized 8 mouth was ” You know JoAnna dances like a 3-legged White girl, right?” I stood there speechless ’cause I wanted to call her a witch with a “b” he replied: “And you haven’t changed your high school narrow minded thinking at all. How’s that workin’ for ‘ya?”

He and I talked about my weight loss journey for the first time that night. I’ve lost about 107lbs and plateau-ed for about 18 months because I went back to school full-time (plus work) and only exercised sporatically. He doesn’t care. He’s just happy that I really love training in Martial Arts (although I do complain during the warmups, ugh!), and watching Martial Arts movies, and knowing the names of some of the fighters/actors, and fight/action scenes, and the traditional herbal cures for health and well-being, and so on. I know more about nutrition than him, but he has me beat when it comes to what the human mind/body can do.

I never thought I’d meet someone while still on my weight-loss journey, let alone someone attractive, intelligent, kind, funny and fit. Although he does encourage me to train hard even on the days we’re not in class, there’s no pressure over food or my so-called “extra” curves, or anything. We just enjoy each other’s company and don’t really see the other stuff.

Erika Nicole Kendall August 1, 2013 - 10:12 AM

I love stories like this. I seriously do.

Kia December 18, 2013 - 9:33 PM

I know this may sound shallow but i have never been overweight. I have never dated anyone who was. I am not physically attracted to them. My husband and I are very serious about fitness. We wake up together at 5 am to workout and I love that. I just couldnt watch my mate eat fries and a big mac and not say something.

Erika Nicole Kendall December 20, 2013 - 4:32 PM

…this is assuming that all fat people are fat because they eat big macs and fries.

LOL Wow, y’all. Wow.

Roxanne October 19, 2015 - 2:08 AM

If you’re a person who just choose your partner based on appearance, then your definition of love is just too shallow. Our appearance will rot and fade as we grow older, but not our characteristics and personality. I’d rather date a person who will love me for who I am, my flaws, and encourage me to be a better person than to love someone handsome but will kill my self esteem.

Dee February 18, 2016 - 7:23 PM

I know that not all heavy people have disease, but often diabetes, hypertension and some cancers affect those of us who are overweight more, especially if we don’t exercise. I am 37 and recently dated an overweight and unhealthy man of 56 years old. What has not been covered here, and what I experienced in our 16 month relationship was that his diabetes and hypertension PLUS the meds used to treat these conditions rendered him impotent. Men with blood pressure meds can’t take Viagra, etc, as they run a very high risk of having a stroke. The erectile dysfunction was very hard on the relationship. I know thin men can have blood pressure and diabetes issues, but so much of this comes up more when there are unaddressed weight issues. He had fees to a gym membership debited from his bank account and went maybe 10 tines during the 16 months we were together. He did not care about portion sizes and often helped me eat my plate of food. I guess I was most saddened about his total disregard for his health.

Erika Nicole Kendall February 19, 2016 - 10:38 AM

I think these are great points and important to keep in mind, but you’re basically not talking about obesity. You’re talking about dating someone in poor health PERIOD. That’s different. I’m literally ONLY talking about obesity.

Dee February 20, 2016 - 10:17 AM

I see your point. I am on a weight loss journey myself, and at this point, I would prefer a partner who is already slim (and healthy ). My 1st marriage taught me to never go into a relationship trying to change anyone (you kill your spirit in the process and a decade later they’re still the same-that’s a whole book in itself, lol). It wouldn’t be fair of me to put pressure on a heavy man to “get like me. ” he is as he is, and if I can’t accept him now (and in the future, as he may never release the excess) ,I need to leave him as he is. A platonic friendship could work. Another thing came to mind as I reread my 1st post. Youth is often forgiving. Lots of the disrespect we dish out to our bodies when we are young, we seem to “get away with” in our younger days. Start creeping up into the 50s and beyond? Not so much. I think a lot of the sickness and disease catches many people unawares. They think, “I’ve been large all my life with no problems. ” Once that variable of our senior years kicks in, people begin to see the knee and hip cartilage wearing our because of the excess weight, as well as the blood pressure creeping up, blood sugars becoming unstable, etc. Like my doctor told me, its not an aesthetics issue. Sure, you can look good in you clothes at a size 20–but how will this play out in your health, especially over the span of years? Being overweight by 10 or 15 pounds may not make a person unhealthy, but many of us are carrying 50-100+ pounds (I have at least 75 more to release ), and again, the forgiveness of youth is all some of us have on our side, as it relates to why we aren’t really sick at these weights. I worked in healthcare with the elderly for many years, and something as simple as getting out of bed or off the toilet becomes much harder for the obese elderly. My ideal for a partner (and for my own body) would be a healthy weight, wellness and fitness. Marriage truly should be “in sickness and health,” and those years are sweeter, especially in old age, if both people have been committed to their health and fitness. This includes keeping a healthy weight.

Erika Nicole Kendall February 21, 2016 - 10:00 PM

I mean, I get your point, but I just know that *as a trainer* you’re talking more about needing a partner who is *active*, not just one who is lean. I can’t tell you the number of e-mails I get from people who are in their senior years, people who thought “I’ve been small all my life with no problems,” but because they weren’t active, they start experiencing quality of life issues—knee damage, hip damage, arthritic lower-body joints—that would’ve been alleviated had they simply committed to being active instead of caring solely about their appearance. That’s not much about being “overweight” as it is about having an insufficient amount of muscle to preserve quality of life, as it diminishes when you age. Aging well is another story entirely.

I feel like you keep trying to simplify this down to a point where using size as a determinant makes sense. I’m simply saying that your needs are a bit more targeted than that in a different way.

Dee February 20, 2016 - 11:57 AM

One last thing (I think lol). I guess I chimed in because he was obese. This was all tied in with his health conditions and I didn’t spell that out, so, sorry for the lack of clarity. I’d also like to say that I don’t begrudge anyone regarding qualities they want in a mate. Some people want someone with a certain type of career or education, etc. With the obesity piece, we have to factor in whether the obese person is physically and sexually attractive to a given suitor. Some people just do not find obese people attractive where dating, sex and marriage are concerned, aside from potential health issues now and down the line. And for some? Only the obese will do. I met a man online once when I weighed more than 300 pounds. We were talking and I was telling him I had over 100 pounds to lose and he became angry. He was NOT hearing that. Here’s what he told me regarding his attraction to me at a lower weight: “if you lost 100 pounds, I would feel the same way about you that Jay -Z would feel about Beyonce if she GAINED 100 pounds. ” well, I’m not staying fat for a man, so you can guess how that relationship worked out. But my point is, to each his own. I can’t begrudge anyone their choice of looks in their partner because I don’t have to live with said choice. But do have to live with my own, and that the key.

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