From NecoleBitchie:
Jennifer Hudson continued to show off her amazing new figure over the weekend before performing at AOL Sessions in Beverly Hills. Although, she has been getting compliments left and right since slimming down, her fiance David Otunga isn’t too pleased with her sudden weight loss. She recently told Jay Leno:
“He’s getting adjusted to it. He’s not really into change that much so he fusses at me like, “Why do you have to have to get all dressed up to go out and why can’t you just go our like you used to?” And I’m like “I’m a walking billboard now honey”
Two snaps. That new figure is helping to keep food on the table.
The only reason I’m doing this is because I wanted to take the opportunity to line this up against the following:
3) There’s also an element of this that speaks to the insecurity of the mate. Yes, I do believe this has to be said, too. If this sentiment is shared repeatedly, with someone beating you over the head with this “you don’t need to lose weight… I like my women with x, y & z” kind of of thing… that’s a problem. Think about how dating works. We like to have arm candy on our arm. We like to walk around with someone we’re proud to have on our arm. For men, its usually that they want their girl to look better than every other girl in the room. For women, we usually like him to be well off, well dressed, well known… some kind of stock.
Now… don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that it absolutely IS better to look like a Victoria’s Secret model. What I am saying is that in this society… we know that the closer one is to that kind of figure, the more they are prized. Why would a significant other intentionally prevent you from doing something they know would garner you more compliments? Why would they try to dissuade you from doing something that you believe would make you better? Why consistently sabotage you? Why try to convince you to stay where you are, if you’ve already admitted (if not to him, at least to yourself) that you’re unhappy where you are?
I’ll just flat out say it. It’s because if you become more prized, they fear having to put forth the effort required to keep you around.
There’s a catch to weight loss, and I can admit this full stop. The more weight you lose, the larger the dating pool grows. It’s strange, because even men whom I’d been around for years were treating me differently. Speaking to me differently. People I’d joked with for years were all of a sudden hugging me closer, touching me differently. Men of different races were approaching me (which means the dating pool grows exponentially.. that is, if that’s your thing.) It’s somewhat bizarre and unfortunate – the fact that there are lots of people out there who simply will not date women beyond a certain weight – but that doesn’t change the fact that it is a very real reality… one that many of our current significant others do not want to face. They’d rather not compete with others for your affection. They’d rather not put forth the effort that would be required to regularly, repeatedly and consistently show you that you belong with them.
I’d never say that people choose overweight mates because they’re “easier”… but I do think that people get comfortable with their mates, and don’t like having to work harder than they’re used to in order to keep them.
Thoughts? I’m just genuinely – genuinely – hoping it isn’t a case of what many of us have experienced, here.
64 comments
When I first decided I wanted to make some lifestyle changes, my ex (emphasis on ex) was totally against the idea of me venturing into the gym. He believed that I was fine the way I was even though he had personally saw me crying because I was unhappy with the way I looked. Once I decided that I was making changes, he fussed about the food I kept at my place and insisted that we eat at restaurants without healthy choices. That early in the process, I had not built the muscle to just say “no.” I eventually gained all the weight I had lost back. Looking back on it, I see what he was doing. He was insecure with the entire idea of me getting into shape and (un)consciously sabotaged me. I guess it made him uncomfortable to see me better myself.
Not that this has happened to me… but I did happen to my friend who had been dating my cousin. They were both overweight and he decided to change. Once he upgraded himself, he wanted an upgraded woman and kicked my friend to the curb and quickly married another thinner, more glamorous woman. Not saying thinness is synonymous with glamor. But old girl was cute. Even to my straight female self. I digress… I asked him why her and not my friend? He said because he never had a woman like that before and felt like he had to do something drastic (marriage) to keep her. SMDH….
Fast forward 10 years…. My friend got so heavy on the weight loss bandwagon she became a personal trainer, She is fit, Fit, FIT!!! My cousin’s wife is now overweight since birthing 3 babies. Now cousin wants friend back. Spouting some foolishness that they are soulmates and he made a mistake leaving her. He is willing to leave current wifey for her.
Don’t let friends date family. You can’t curse folks out like you want.
@ Serenity: Cuss, cuss away! If you can’t express yourself with total honesty to your family, then where can you? I would just wait all year for those family get togethers just to tell him about himself! And have your cousin bring/rent some gorgeous eye candy, just to keep that 80/20 guy away.
yeah, my rule is that i don’t let my friends, my family, my man, and my work intersect. those are 4 totally seperate parts of my life. it cuts down on A LOT of drama.
Well, did you lose your weight finally?
Well I agree with real life situations where men are dead a** serious about these comments, however I do believe that Jenn and her Husband are solid, and he knows that she is happy, and she deserves to be happy and healthy just like he is. I personally get this a lot from friends though. I dont have a man now, but i’ve been supported before about the gym when dating him. He use to check in on me with food, and gym times. But my friends on the other hand, make it very clear that Oh your boobs and hips will never go, you won’t look right, or dont get stick thin you won’t look right, and you know what my response is? Well can you pick up the tab on my round of Diabetes Medication? blood pressure? you going to help me tie my shoe when my boobs in the way? LOL I don’t think so.
I’m under the impression that they’re only engaged, not married. Is this incorrect?
They aren’t married.
Not sure. Most publications list them as engaged, but others (mostly urban) list them as married.
Oh I know too well those “friends”. My significant other is a personal trainer who is very supportive almost to a fault. He doesn’t kick my lazy butt enough because he is so tender and allows me my fits of impatience which are the cause of my remaining weight problem. My girlfriends?! One told me: ” you want to weight what? I weight that much! Girl, you’ll never be this size!” Dead ass. Another told me: “you work out too much, you’re obsessed!” I was like “no, I’m obese, missing a few s’ there! Even my sister was like, you’re losing too much weight too fast! But there was no intervention when I gained 30lbs in one summer locked up in my mother sweltering apartment! Makes me mad! Mad enough to go jump on that bike and show Prospect Park what for!!!
The point is. Ignore people like that. They are trembling in their Victoria Secret underwear that the local fat girl could dish that weight, tone up and blow them out of the water! Use that motivation to shed a few more pounds today. I know i want to be healthy, but who do you think you are to dictate what I can and cannot do?! so Girl, “You betta work!”
I never commented before but I saw ‘Prospect Park’ and got fired up – Brooklyn in the house!
And yes, losing weight brings out peoples true colors and biases. “You’ll never be this size?” WOW thats a bold statement. I hope crow tastes good cause once you reach that weight and beyond homegirl will have to eat those words.
wow thats crazy but its so true! I have a friend who has been getting bigger by the month! Every year I look at pics of us and boy has she ballooned. Ive suggested that we work out together and even stop eating foods with aspartame and HFCS. She worked out for a month about a year ago and thats is. I’ve lost almost 60lbs since starting in Dec.09 and to this date she has yet to compliment me or say anything positive such as “u look great”, “keep it up”. NADA!!!! Im 15.4lbs away from my goal of 200 (im 5’9) and still shes said nada……………..Oh well
As for the men..I had an EX notice EX that gave me the same crap “i like u how u are” or “I don’t want anyone else looking at my woman”..blah blah blah..I’m not losing weight for you or anyone else. I’m doing this for me because I see how being over weight is destroying my family. Some of them are on oxygen, can barely walk from the car to the door, or even tie they own shoes! I refuse to be a diabetic candidate!
I also have noticed friends comments about my new weight. I have a roommate who have lost weight through a weight loss surgery. And I have lost the weight naturally. Since my weight loss, she has been telling my other friends that I have not been eating and I am starving myself. And it is so frustrating because I live with this person. When I tell my coworkers about this problem, they are confused about her intentions. It is sad that people negatively acknowledge your weight loss but never noticed your overeating. I have overcome an eight-year-old flour eating addiction–yes, I ate flour for breakfast, lunch (if I was not at work), and dinner.
I know what you me. I lost a lot of weight one time before and alot of friends and even family was talking about how funny I looked without my booty and stomach. But it is all good for me I have since gain some of the weight back and I have been maintaining this weight for years now. I LOVE BEING PLUMP!!!! I want allow myself to go over a certain weight and I eat healthy and walk where I need to go.
I agree with you whole heartedly, but I’ll say this and it may just be my husband but he didn’t try to keep me from losing weight his thing was he didn’t want me to lose that a**. 🙂 A lot of black men are like that and unfortunately you can’t lose weight in specific places. So maybe that’s what it is sometimes, our men have favorite body parts that they truely like the way that they are and they’re not necessarily trying to sabotage our efforts. Maybe?
I totally agree with you! I have been with men who repeatedly tell me The love m body. I want to lose weight but I never expressed that to them. They were just turned on by my curves. I dont know, or care, how my weight loss journey will effect them but I dont let people close enough to sabotage me.
You are correct Erika. They are not married at this time. She made a point of stating that he is not her husband on Oprahs show. He has Recently asked her to set a date because “he didn’t want there to be any question about their relationship”.
Ok, so this kinda annoyed me. First of all, from what you posted, it doesn’t sound like he wants her to stay overweight. She said he didn’t like change, not *the* change. Big difference. The woman he fell in love with was low maintenence, probably enjoyed the same foods and activities as him and so on. Now she’s gotta spend all this time gussying up before they leave the house. Her tastes have probably changed. That’s hard on a significant other. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t support her.
Second, some guys DO like bigger girls! I don’t know about these sabotaging men out there. I do know a lot of men (my HUSBAND included) who have never been interested in the industry standard of beauty. I can dig up pictures my dude took when he was teenager of pretty ladies on the beach and they are all big girls. He doesn’t sabotage my effort- he says as long as I’m healthy and happy, he’ll support me – but if I got down to a skinny size 4, he probably wouldn’t be as attracted to me. That’s not to scare me, it’s just the truth.
I don’t know why y’all keep trying to make it sound like I’m saying no man could possibly want “bigger women.”
Please stop trying to twist my point.
If YOU are making efforts to change your lifestyle for health purposes (which we can only assume since we don’t know anyone’s life) and those changes result in weight loss, it is WILDLY inappropriate to put “what I am attracted to” over someone’s health. PERIOD. That mess is creepy and gross.
Juxtaposing “my health” next to “you being attracted to me” lets me know that YOUR priorities are screwed up and it IS a red flag, period. If a significant other loves you, they should love you REGARDLESS, right?
I mean, if a woman is thin when the pair meets… and gains weight, we expect her significant other to still love her and not pressure her unnecessarily, right? Why are y’all acting like this doesn’t make sense the other way around? If he was nitpicking her for gaining weight, we’d be calling him a douchebag. This works the same both ways.
What I was reacting to was specifically the idea that any guy who wouldn’t want you to lose weight must just be insecure about losing you or having to treat you better to keep you. It didn’t sound to me like Jennifer’s fiance was trying to stop her from losing weight, he just didn’t like all the changes.
On – at least – two separate occasions, Jennifer has given this exact same scenario with different language. Once on Oprah, again on Leno.
That being said, I excerpted a piece from a post I wrote that listed three reasons why this comes up. This – “he’s insecure” – was the third reason. Having known about both interviews, I excerpted what I believe to be relevant here. I didn’t say it was the same for EVERY situation, especially considering the content of the original post I wrote.
Also, this is just for my husband. His comments are usually just about me being happy and healthy. Occasionally he might joke that he hope I don’t “lose my butt” or something, but he never says he doesn’t want me to lose weight. The only time he gets snippy is if I make an equation with thinness and beauty, like “Ooh, I’m gonna lose weight and be all hot!” Then he insists that those two things are not the same. Basically that I’m hot now. The only thing he’s really been against is the gastric bypass. Besides the fact that it might be dangerous, you end up losing a lot of weight, really quickly and you usually end up pretty skinny. He has straight up told me that that might be hard for him.
Molly, I TOTALLY get where you are going with your statement. Ive always been ‘thick’ but now(after 7 yrs together) I’m the largest I’ve ever been-and I’m not comfortable. Of course my husband is excited about the natural ‘implants’ appearance(C-cup to a DD), and the donkey back-side, but he understands that I’m not happy. I don’t see anything wrong w/your hubby being honest about your weight changes, b’c if he can’t be honest w/you, then who will??? Yes, Erika if it is at a point that your husbands’ opinion has turned into ridicule, then it’s a problem. But for him to be honest w/you is just part of communicating with your spouse. To be honest and to threaten to leave are 2 different extremes & I dont get that feeling from Molly nor from Jennifer.
It sounds to me that Jenn’s fiance may not be 100% happy with everything that comes along with the weight loss. Ive watched both men and women surpass new-found confidence to bonefide arrogance and cocky-ness after a big weight loss. Then as soon as their partner points out the fact that they ar no longer the person that they fell in love with, it’s chumped up to “Oh you know *Bill left *Cindy b’c he was jealous of her finally loosing all of that weight. Mmm mm mmm.”
I said all of this to say, there are always two sides people…has anyone read/watched an interview with David expressing how he feels about Jenn’s new figure?????
When I met my last boyfriend, I was a UK 12/14 – US 8/10. We used to eat out a lot, and I wasn’t working out much. I expressed my frustration at my increasing girth and he said, ‘What about your lovely curves?’ Because obviously my curves would disappear entirely if I lost weight… *eye roll* Anyway, as sweet as that sounded at the time, I ignored him and attempted to do my own thing.
Fast forward to the end of last year. I start training for the Paris half marathon and I’m ON IT – following Weight Watchers (I didn’t tell him at first because discussing diets made him angry – apparently an ex had anorexia which OBVIOUSLY is my problem to deal with!), drinking shakes, training 4 times a week. I don’t need him to cheerlead for me, as I’m in a supportive team. He whines about how paunchy he’s getting, so I take him to a couple of exercise classes and on a couple of runs with me. So far, so meh. Then he asks: ‘What am I going to do, now that you’re all young and slim and I’m old and fat?’ See, he’s a few years shy of 40 (I’m 31) and was having some kind of existential crisis – this is someone who got angry when I turned 30 and said ‘You know what? I’m going to enjoy being 30, I’m comfortable with who i am and I feel great!’ instead of crying into my copy of Bridget Jones, and decrying my impending middle age and therefore imminent death, boo hoo. Sorry, I don’t play that way.
Looking back I had a whole bouquet of red flags waving frantically in my face, but that’s beside the point – sort of. When a man’s as insecure as that, he’s not happy. If you’re happy, he’s even less happy. The only thing that makes him happy is to make you unhappy. Why? Because he’s in control, and that’s what this is about. You can’t control someone with a positive outlook and high self-esteem, but those can be chipped away at quite easily if you know what buttons to press.
I think the point made is right: insecure people like that don’t want to put in the extra work to keep the ‘new’ you. That means they were doing the bare minimum in the first place t keep you around, so you’re better off. It’s bizarre, though; if they know you’re more prized, why wouldn’t they want to keep you for themselves? Why, if they’re afraid to lose you, would they pull out every trick in the book to do just that? Man logic = madness.
No wonder J-Hud’s bloke feels threatened. He signed up for a beautiful BIG black woman whose body belonged to him and him only; now people are queuing up to see it and comment on it, he’s reverted to a petulant 6-yr-old and whining ‘Mine! Nobody’s allowed to play with it! Mine!’ and trying to hold it out of reach. And you know when little kids try to hold things out of your reach and fail because you’re bigger than them and can whip it out of their hands? They fail to see this because they’re so fixated on protecting their little property, their little pride.
I wish JH the best in her life, but she’d better beware the man who’d begrudge her happiness in her own skin. She’s either going to put the weight back on ever so slowly, or dump the 200lbs of useless flab – him – when she tires of his possessiveness and insecurity.
Like I said, I wish her the best, but when push comes to shove… frankly, I hope the latter scenario plays out.
You are so right ruby… That’s why it’s important for women to be conscious of their own worth and be confident in order to properly identify those red flags. And often we don’t…. ( but that’s how we learn lol)
*’better off WITHOUT HIM’. Not trying to imply you’re better off with a partner only doing the bare minimum. Oops!
Ruby, I do not know if you understand the ramifications of , “Wall Street Attorney and Graduate of Harvard Law”. Which is what Jennifer Hudson’s significant other is. As an attorney myself, I do. And let me tell you that he has the capacity, if he has not already done so, to make “MILLIONS”. With or without JH’s money.
I didn’t watch the Leno show, and it’s kind of hard to extrapolate a certain meaning from what Jennifer said. Taking his words at face value, it seemed like he has a problem with her getting dressed up? Now that might be because she’s all slim and trim and is getting eyed more often, thus more competition. Or that might mean she’s a bit more high maintenance than she used to be. Or maybe he’s mad because she’s hitting several of these events alone (I don’t know if, pre-weight loss, she’s been asked about his presence at certain events, or lack thereof ). Hard to tell. The “I’m a walking billboard” response raised my right eyebrow a bit, but it’s none of my business.
I’m hoping it’s not hateration due to her weight loss (besides, I don’t remember him being exactly slim, either, not that it matters). It would be such a shame for the “man gets with a larger woman because it’s easier for him/she expects less” rule to be proven true, once again. It does seem like that’s the rule, rather than the exception, though.
My weight has risen 50lbs since I met my boyfriend, who is a chef. The gain has been over 8years, but it put me into an unhealthy BMI and I have been on track since Jan1 and lost 16lbs so far. He loves me curvy, I have the hourglass shape that he loves, and I appreciate the fact that he doesn’t want me rail-thin. That being said, he has freaked out a bit since the weight is coming off. He has been supportive, bringing me salads from work, and making sure to be home so I can leave for the gym. What I want him to know is that this change is for both of us. My main goal isn’t “get sexy, then upgrade!” lol! Since I’ve told him I’m doing this for our kids and for health reasons, he realizes I’m not going anywhere…and nobody is going to come snatch me up either lol! He is now working out himself, and I couldn’t be more happy. I agree with the commented above, I think Davids freakout is that now her body is on a very curious public display and not just for his eyes only. He is an athelete and I hope he realizes the big picture is JHud being there with him and the baby and happy with where she is in life.
Dated a dude once who actually pronounced a weight under which I would no longer appeal to him. Now this is a fella who had lost 100lbs through lifestyle changes. At some point he realized maintaining his linebacker weight in his adult accountant life was probably a bad idea. Either way, I couldn’t quite understand his thinking (considering his own lifestyle) when a friend explained that for some reason he already thought he was out of his league. This came from observations of his posturing in various situations. She said maybe he thinks a just overweight you, as opposed to an obese you, will be out of his reach. Never mind getting to a healthy weight. I thought that was a ridiculous explanation but in hindsight, I can’t really think of another reason as he was pretty married to the lifestyle changes that trimmed him down. His doctor pulled him off of all of his meds, so clearly he saw the value in making those changes. I guess he’d just pass me by on the street now as his “minimum weight for sexy me” is in my rear view window.
You know what’s sad…our mates are usually the first people to check us when we gain weight or fall off the wagon a little bit but when we start to do something about it, sadly we get punished for it. I was in a relationship (and I emphasis WAS) where my ex had conditions on my weight. If I didn’t lose blah blah blah he was going to leave me. Foolishly I worked towards “his” goal weight for me. When I was finally tired of his crap and lost the weight for myself then he had more issues. My theory is, if your mate can’t support you through good and bad it’s time to kick rocks 🙂
Erica, although I do agree with you that your dating pool will increase once you are at your ideal weight, I also agree with Molly McCall that some men are attracted to bigger women. I think that when dating, two people should be equally yoked and have similar lifestyle goals. That way if you want to lose weight, you’re partner is on board and supportive of you. However, you can’t expect someone who’s really PHYSICALLY attracted to a particular type to be just as physically attracted once that person makes a drastic change whether they lose or gain weight. A man may still love that person and want them to be healthy, but he may miss the fullness and shape of his woman’s hips or booty! With that said it is up to the individual to decide what shape is healthy for them and their partner should prioritize their health over an onion booty!
Y’all are killing me, here. Seriously.
Isn’t this what happened between Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupre? He wanted her to be bigger than she is when she is “out there” (for lack of a better way to put it)? I suppose if you look like JD and your woman is JJ then you don’t want other men wanting her…..
In the interest of full disclosure: I’m thirtysomething, white, female, and human.
Don’t get me started!
My ex-boyfriend was, at some point, at least 300 pounds. During the time we were together, he hit the 100-pounds-lost mark and looked pretty good, although he was still overweight. His ex-girlfriend bumped into him at the grocery store one day and, after having dissed him royally when they broke up, started sniffing around again. She said she’d liked him when he was “big” (and he was big; I’ve seen the pictures) but apparently she liked him a lot better when he was less-big. It wasn’t an issue for us; he definitely did not want her back.
He did ask me, when we started dating, if I’d ever had an eating disorder. I’d shown him a couple of pictures of myself when I had an active job instead of a sit-on-my-fanny job, and I was thin. Not sickly thin, but . . . well, whippet build (thin waist, round backside and legs, built arms from lifting stuff at work). No, I definitely never had an eating disorder. He assured me he liked me better 25 pounds heavier.
It didn’t work out, but we’re still friendly. I decided, though, that I did not like me better 25 (by then, 35) pounds heavier, and started jogging and paying closer attention to my eating habits. Meanwhile, he decides he’s going to change to a more active job and starts working out so he can pass the physical. I stop by to say “hello” one night when I’m in the neighborhood. He–I’m not going to lie–looks awesome. He starts telling me about a woman who’s trying to start something with him, and he likes her . . . but he keeps trailing off.
Yeah, he’s staring at me. I’m wearing a decent shirt and an ankle-length black skirt and I can still get him to forget his crush, mid-sentence. So much for liking me better with those 25 extra pounds!
I don’t think either of us would have dumped the other because of appearance, but we both care about health enough that I’m not sure we could stay with somebody who couldn’t be convinced to take care of himself/herself. Seeing the ex at 300+ pounds was painful not because of how he looked, but because I couldn’t bear the thought of what it would have done to his body if he hadn’t cleaned up his act. I’m not a health nut, and of course you can take care of yourself and still get sick, but I couldn’t be with somebody who didn’t at least make an attempt.
Everyone is welcome here, mama. 🙂
Regarding the men like bigger women perspective – I sometimes believe there is a conflation of curves with very overweight. I’m a big girl, but at a certain weight (which can vary of course), women’s curves are no longer such. There is a distortion of features – you may not have the clearly defined waist, same with your facial features due to the fullness, you may have extra boobage, your hips and butt are more…..fat than shapely. In other words, as a woman, you’re not at your best.
So I tend to give the strong side-eye to men who are quick to proclaim their love of bigger women. Can I be particularly candid here? In my experience, the men who are so emphatic about this usually don’t have a whole lot going for themselves (which is why, to Erika’s point, a woman getting to her best is threatening for them). Maybe I’m just missing it, but I don’t know of a group of men who are distinctly successful, driven, creative, reasonably attractive, family-oriented, self-assured, etc who are openly declaring love for “bigger” women. Now, maybe they’re hiding in plain sight because of social norms. But just on my powers of observation, not so much. And even if there is such a group, I think it’s safe to say that it’s a smaller group that some want to admit.
Not to mention that these men usually have no problems dating a slimmer woman, if the opportunity arises. And there is the rub – a man who may “prefer” larger women is a lot more likely to date slimmer women than the reverse. To me, that’s how I know it’s BS, to a large degree. I mean, if a bigger woman is your preference, then wouldn’t you primarily pursue that? Watch what men do, ladies, and not just what they say!
See, you touched on a part of why I’m starting to become annoyed with people who seem to think I’m implying that a man couldn’t possibly actually be attracted to “bigger women.”
“Not to mention that these men usually have no problems dating a slimmer woman, if the opportunity arises. And there is the rub – a man who may “prefer” larger women is a lot more likely to date slimmer women than the reverse.”
THIS!!!!!! Since when is it acceptable for a man to throw that kind of childish ass fit over a woman’s changing body? Because THAT is what this boils down to – a changing body, regardless of the direction of the size (up or down.)
So, in my mind, to get to the point where you’re beating a woman over the head with your rejection of something she – the women to whom you are engaged and, assumedly love – seems to be happy with? If that ain’t suspect to you, then I don’t know what the hell to say. At ALL.
Seems to me that if a man is highly insecure to begin with, he will resist any type of change that seems to reduce whatever control he may have over “his woman.” It’s not really about weight loss per se, it’s about insecurity. And in such cases there are usually red flags all over the place even before the woman starts losing weight. The solution: don’t date highly insecure men.
Having said that, I will be the first one to tell you that most people get comfortable in relationships and change, even change for the better, can be unsettling. If my man started eating differently and dressing differently and, perhaps as a consequence, acting differently, I’d be uncomfortable with the change to begin with. But if they were good changes, I’d eventually get over my discomfort and be supportive. Anyone who claims to feel zero apprehension about change is likely not being completely honest with themselves.
This stuff is irritating. I get that people can be more or less attracted to someone based on their size. That said I would never be with a man who wouldn’t have me however I come. Period. Because I think to BE with me is about a whole LOT more than body fat percentage. And if you know all of me and are ready to jump ship if my weight fluctuates in a direction you don’t prefer,(either way) duces. Please move on to make someone else life miserable trying to maintain what you find ideal. Because putting weight aside, our bodies change. My breasts used to be perky and cute are now somewhat deflated by breastfeeding my child and will eventually sag. My skin will get wrinkly and my hair will grey. So if you want me to look exactly as I look when we meet for the rest of our lives, your dead wrong for that.
Since my weight loss transformation my husband has become more suspicious and insecure. It’s awful. And to add to that my exes (one of whom broke up with me because “my weight was bad for his reputation”) have been coming out of the woodwork. Most of them on some, “I feel like a real jerk now” stuff. Really? You feel like a jerk because now that I’ve lost weight you feel like you’re missing out? If I wasn’t interested in keepin it classy I can think of all kinds of words that deserves.
Bottom line, I believe myself to be worth a whole lot. Tons. I’m proud of how strong I’ve become and I love living healthfully because of how it makes me feel, because I deserve to have boundless energy and feel great in my skin. But that stuff is for me. And if you have any interest in getting next to me because my waist line fits into your ideal than you are really missing out on all the fabulous stuff that is who I am.
IMHO to defend someone leaving a loved one for their body no longer “measuring up” is to further allow us women to have our worth measured in inches and pounds- and that is something I’m not willing to do.
Reading this just opens old wounds and makes me mad. Years ago I dated my first serious boyfriend. I had lost weight before I met him but of course gained weight afterwards. He would say stuff like”Awww baby there’s just more of you to love!” Everything was okay until I started talking about losing weight then he started acting up. If he found out I’d taken a walk he fuss and cuss, saying I get enough exercise walking to class. He’d pressure me to eat. One day I just stopped eating while I was with him and he started PUTTING FOOD IN FRONT OF MY MOUTH like I was just passively going to eat it and I refused. He cussed at me saying “You gone EAT dis sammich!” I finally confronted him about it and he actually said that he was pushing food at me because he didn’t want to lose me. Of course there were other issues like his extreme jealousy, mind games and mentalabuse
Agh this touch screen…I’m sure the mental abuse would have progressed to physical because his mom asked me had he hit me yet. He even wanted me to gain 50lbs!!!!! (Psycho music 😉 ) Well that’s my nightmare story.
Yes…I did leave him…don’t know where he is now!
I love this we women are starting to open up about our feelings concerning the opposite sex, I agree with you Erica, and I am in my fifties, JHud better prepared herself for MAYBE a rocking road. My boyfriend accepts me as I am, but he understands my reasoning for wanting to lose weight,and he helps me. If a man loves you he should be able to accept you, and support you. David, needs to stop acting like a child and get on a exercise regiment so they both can look their best. JHud, loves him and their beautiful son, I am sure she would support him if he decided to lose weight or tone up a bit. @ Erica, I understand where you are coming from I have witness that type behavior before and most of the time it ended the relationship.
Before my weight loss, I would get a few compliments from men as a size 12/14. At the time, the majority of men would be talking with my girlfriends. Now, as a size 6, men and even boys have been giving me a lot of attention. And I am definitely not use to it.
I am currently losing weight, with the assistance of my weight loss surgery, the Duodenal Switch. To date, I’ve lost 110 pounds and yes, I can relate to Jennifer when she truthfully shares what her partner says about her weight loss.
I’ve been married now for 6 years. Looking back over pictures taken during our relationship, I can clearly see that this man has loved me through the one section of our vows we DIDN’T recite: thick and thin.
He’s adjusting, true. He told me the other day, that at size 10, down from size 22, I look vulnerable to him. Fragile. Rather than catch an attitude, like I like to do, I asked him what he meant. He replied that he’s used to just having a laugh and punching me on the arm.
I wonder if this means he’s beginning to see the ‘me beneath the surface.’ I dunno…
He told me the other day, that at size 10, down from size 22, I look vulnerable to him. Fragile. Rather than catch an attitude, like I like to do, I asked him what he meant. He replied that he’s used to just having a laugh and punching me on the arm.
Tracie, do you mind expanding on this? Because I’m confused as to why your husband ever thought it was cool to punch you on the arm while having a laugh. Or was he metaphorically speaking?
Well, my husband loves me dearly, but he did say that if I lost “a lot” of weight he would miss my rather generous booty, and made a special request for me to just keep that part.
Now he knows that is unrealistic, but it was a sweet moment. That wasn’t a lack of confidence on his part in my opinion. I actually felt reassured that he loved my body today, and would tomorrow, too.
I believe that when you make positive changes in your life, such as weight loss or changing to a job you enjoy, your dating pool does increase. I believe that this is because as you improve yourself the love you feel for yourself shines through in a new way and that is extremely attractive to everyone! And this is true if you’re married or single. The better you feel about you and the life you’re living, it just radiates from you and that is a beautiful thing.
Side note- just discovered this blog and its amazing!
This happened to me with my last boyfriend. I was very tight and toned from exercise and eating better when I met him, but still fat. He was always encouraging me to eat crap, especially carbs for some reason. Eventually I gained 50 pounds while dating him. During that time I managed to get somewhat of a handle on things and lost 30 of the 50 I’d gained. He promptly dumped me when he realized I was gaining confidence. I simulatenously stopped putting up with his mess right before he dumped me.
Hopefully one day soon I’ll be back under 200.
Let me preface this with: I know there are grey areas, exceptions to the rule, blah blah blah, this is MY opinion, That said.
I am a little tired of Black women accepting being fat/obese and giving so many excuses for it. I have heard so VERY few good things about not just Jennifer Hudson’s weight loss, but Raven-Symone and a few others. Being fat is not a given as a Black woman…oh yeah, we hide behind the booty etc etc….exclaim that we got curves but I tell you, it ‘ain’t’ curves it’s fat, then we put down and insult someone else for not wanting to do it anymore and does something about it.
Again, my opinion, I think JHudson’s fiance is insecure and a few other things. As long as JHudson was fat he was assured of not having to step up, she should be glad she is with him,or rather he’s with her, but now that she is getting something for herself…weight loss and being treated as a woman of value, which means she will eventually value herself ( hopefully) he has to, again, step up. I am an older woman and I am hellbent for leather to live healthily and be ‘cute’ in the process. Who says Black women must be fat and unattractive at any age.
OK, I’m done. But, I as a Black woman am so tired of us accepting so little, expecting so little and thinking we deserve so little……especially from men, especially Black men. Be ol’ standby, just glad to have a man…or have him stand up and be a man thats glad to have you!
My apologies if I went off course.
I’m confused by his comment. JHud is a singer. Was she not dressing up before? She’s always had great style. I think he’s upset more with her schedule and the attention she’s getting. What has he done since “I love NY”? He needs to get on his grind.
“He said because he never had a woman like that before and felt like he had to do something drastic (marriage) to keep her. SMDH….
-Serenity”
Girl, if I could buy you fresh veggies a fruits for a week for this statement. Thank you for sharing this because this darn near un-locked a mystery of why I made bad dating decisions in the past.
(i hope this helps someone..cause I wish not for another woman to walk in low self esteem realted to being over-weight)
Three men I involed myself with in the past (and fell hoplesly head over heels for) were clearly not in my “regular” dating pool. My normal dating pool: overweight black men. Im not saying overweight black men are bad but..there are repercussions…stay with me here..
These three men were slendar and considered attractive. They were at the top of their fields and looked good in suits, polos and other “man wear”. How did I involve myself with them..I made myself “accessible”. Not in the sexual aspect but more so in the space of time, an listening ear or a night out dancing. two out of three men told me their “preference” was with women like me. But I always wondered why we never “crossed over”. Their preference was with me , their attraction was to “skiny..or tall and smaller”..or just smaller than me. My falling head over heels for these men were because they did NOT resemble anything I was used to. It required me to put effort in my apprearance, my outlook and even my career. Now as far as drastic, i do remember an experience that i share here..but I understand where theis young’ ladies friend is comming from
I didnt get that need to “do better” from being around over weight men. They were comfortable with all aspects of life. They didnt want to excel in their careers, they were fine chillin on the weekends with family EATING..or comming over after work to EAT. When I would share my disdain for my weight..they would say “you are fine just the way are”
While they were supportive, i felt myself getting caught in that realm of “comfort”. I got into a realm of not wanting to DO anything and just being “content” with being over weight, a job I wasnt quite excited about..and freindships/associations that were toxic. The thing with over weight men rushing to me..was because they were just as damaged in the inside as i was. So here I am in my best 230 self already internally toxicfied and damaged masked with great conversation around already damaged 280+pound men. I am not implying that over weight men are toxic..im saying there is a mental state that keeps them “there”. If they dont want to do better for their body, how are they going to want to do better for me and a potential family. And then pull me back down when i conquered my issues. I learned the men who despise a woman losing weight have issues of their own..They do not want other men looking at their woman..or have to step up to keep her around. It’s ok..they will get with the program and start addressing their internal issues.
Now..one of those “attractive” men treated me very badly..(no physical or mental abuse was done..)..and that was a WAKE UP CALL.
Why did I allow this man to treat me in the way he did…ME..yes..ME. Me being over-weight with low esteem was not a good combination. I realized that I was behaving in a drastic measure to “keep” him..when subconsiously..I was seaking after the man manifested into what I always wanted to be. (Glooooraayy. Cue the gospel choir) So ..first before getting on anyones tredmill..i decided to LOVE myself..and after that point..i started eating better..im in a new career field and i made better choices with freinds/sorors/relationships/family/christianity etc.
I think succesfull weight loss comes from loving yourself first. That’s accepting the “rolls” enough to want to treat your body better. Start on the inside. Address WHY you are over weight. Weight loss should not be for vain purposes..but actually heath reasons.
Now, the statement ” weight loss increases your dating pool” yeah…it does..but are those the TYPE of man you want in your life, when the weight gain comes due to children, stress, life? That’s just more trash to sift through and should not really be focused upon IMO. Cause if thats the focus..there will always be a woman with a more banging body that yours with more swagger, looks and “it” factor. Plus ihave size five friends who perilously complain about the “dating pool” they just have muscular looking denzel type with david coresh type issues to work with. I guess I want the man who is genuinely attractive to me..not just because im smaller than 230.
I said all of this to say. Love yourself first before getting on a tredmill, address those issues while eating that “clean” dinner cause if you are loosing weight for “vain” purposes then you’ll just be a skinny woman with low self esteem with many many more men to make more mistakes with.
sorry for being long.
Can I get an “AMEN?”
First, Hi, I’m enjoying reading thru the site.
I noticed a comment that David should lose weight with Jen, in a previous comment. David is a Professional wrestler (now), most of his size is muscle and I actually was under the impression (no source to cite) that they worked out together. I saw the J-Hud interview as well, and like many people here i did not get the impression that David had an issue with the weightloss as much as adjusting to the new look, “walking billboard”.
anyway..
I dated this guy for a while when i was a size 2, who told me when i came home from college as a size 12, that the new weight looked better on me, more proportional (i was a disproportionately top-heavy teen, to the point where at age 15 my dr asked my dad if i had been allowed to have implants). For me, the reassurance was literally life saving, because this guy is gorgeous and always fit and I was sooo afraid that his ‘love’ was skin deep that i would have anxiety attacks and episodes of depression just worrying about how he’d feel about my weight gain.
Fast forward 15 yrs, same guy.. we were talking a few weeks ago about his impending return from deployment and i brought up that i was back to having panic attacks because of how scared i was about him seeing me at size 24. His response was simply “I’m not worried about it. I know you, and you must be okay because when you get sick of it, you’ll do something about it”.
That reassured me alot, and put me in the space where i could review my body image based on the way i felt about me and not the way i thought he’d feel. It also opened me up to the event that finally made up my mind to change.
I interact with all my kids friends online and by phone, because i am that kind of mom, i need to know who my kids associate with. I found out upon meeting one of their friends that the mom the kids know me to be, does not match the mom they see, because i interact with them as a teenager and then they meet this big matronly looking person. The young lady said to me, “you act like our sister but then you look like a “momma” and we feel like we can’t joke with you anymore.” That was all it took for me to decide that i NEEDED to make the change, because I like being the mom the kids know on the phone, not the one they see.
I think i got a little sidetracked with my point about support from those around us but where i was going with it was.. like a lot of the women here I know how important REAL support is when you decide to make a life change like this, and sometimes it’s very hard when we are caught up in our own emotions to decipher the messages of the people around us. Sometimes something that a person says to express their own emotions about our journey comes out sounding like poison (at times it really is poison), and we don’t feel like we should have to ask them what they mean or even have to entertain their thoughts, but at times we have to take into consideration that it’s not just us going thru it, the people around us are in it too.
one more point.. about love vs. Attraction… If a person is attracted to you at a certain weight, shape, hair color, size etc. and that grows into love.. It doesn’t negate the fact that that attribute is still attractive to them. So if a person does not like ********* men or women, and you become one, even though they still love you, you can fall into the category of unattractive to them, and that’s a valid feeling for them to have. At this point in the situation, every one should stop getting their feelings hurt and seek professional help, if they want to make the relationship last..
I stayed in a relationship for 2 years because i loved someone very much, but he became really big and unhealthy and I began to be repulsed by him. I was not a size 2 then, i was over 200 lbs myself, but i have always been attracted most strongly to well built, muscular men. I felt that i was wrong for the way i reacted, because i know love is more than looks and in a way i was right, but i was also wrong.. attraction is the first thing people have, before love and it is more fluid and often more powerful a motivator than love is. We can’t negate it just because love is more important in the long run. As for my dilemna, sadly, he started indulging in more addictions than food and i got a free pass to get the heck out of the relationship. unattractive coke fiend beats love every time.
Thanks for the space to drop my 2 cents.
Hello Ladies. It is easy to assume that David is insecure. I’m gonna assume that he is happy that his fiancé decided to get healthier. However, we can’t ignore the fact that he was attracted to her as a heavier (curvier) woman. Although she was always very pretty, she was probably a “no fuss” type person. That may have been one of the things he liked about her. When you are in a relationship (marriage/commitment), you have to consider the other person’s feelings. I’m not saying she shouldn’t have lost the weight. I’m saying that you have to consider that this change will effect everyone. I’m quite that many things have changed about Jennifer. She is not only healthier, but she may be a little more cockier than before. She may care more about what people think than before. She may have become a “skinny b**tch”.
Not everyone is “hating” when a person losses weight. A couple of years ago, I really got into weight lifting. I lived, ate and breathe it. One day my friend told me she didn’t want to hear about it anymore. I was upset at first, but I realized that I was obsessed. It was all about me, every conversation. I started preaching about exercise and dieting all the time. I’m glad she said something. I could still be health conscious and have a normal life and other interests. It was a wake up call.
I so agree with the basic premise of this post which I see as: those in your life that discourage you from your weight loss goal are either scared of losing you or scared that any success you experience may show them as lacking in not reaching their own goals, whether wieght loss or otherwise.
Jami I so agree with you. I wondered why my beau discourages me not to work-out and eat processed foods and greasy and sugary stuff I am like no I am staying focus eating my fresh fruits and veggies.
Truth be told, there are two sides to every story. No one has mentioned that David, Jennifer’s fiancee, is a very attractive and very fit man, who is also an accomplished attorney. BTW, he stays fit now being a wrestler, something he has dreamed about as a child. Since Jennifer has lost weight, she has been coming across as she could not do anything and was nothing until she became thin. But didn’t she win an Oscar, Golden Globe, a Grammy, not to mention other accolades as a larger woman? So it seems that her sense of self is predicated on her weight loss. This weight loss seems to have gone to her head. That does not come off as being very attractive or desirable. The engagement as been called off. In my opinion, that is a smart move on David’s part. She may be the next Star Jones.
Very well said my dear. David O. can hold his own. He is not only an attorney but a HARVARD attorney. Need I say More.
Success can be found in more places that on the TV screen. I thought it a step down for Davi O. to play around with TV when he is a brilliant attorney. As an attorney we know how far his education can take him. Carte Blanche just by graduating fron Harvard Law as Obama did and with Wall Street background? Please…
OMG this statement is so true: “There’s a catch to weight loss, and I can admit this full stop. The more weight you lose, the larger the dating pool grows”
I remember when I weighed 250lbs about 9 1/2 yrs ago I dated and had suitors etc etc but the moment I dropped 100lbs. oh boy I was getting attention from men who would have never approached me at all.
And what’s so funny now is that one day my beau offered to take me to work I said no I can walk ( I live 20 min away from my job) I can burn extra calories he told me don’t burn too much I said to myself okay.
He even raised his eyebrows and shaked his head when I said I wanted liposuction to remove excess skin & fat from my arms and abs. Which I still plan to get once I reach my goal weight.
Wow. Just reading the comments made me think of something my ex bf said to me that I had forgotten. When I first met my ex I had just come off of losing like 30lbs. I was almost to my goal weight…then I started to put a little of that weight back on. He was actully happy! He said that if I gained weight that was ok, because then less men would want me. He said that…out loud. Really?!?
I am just wondering…Why is he still a fiance and not a husband??? I thought they were coming up on a two or three year anniversary…The issues might be deeper rooted than what meets they eye. I love J.Hud and wish the best for her family.
Jasmyne – She recently did an interview w/Oprah and Oprah asked her why such a long engagement. JHud laughed and said (paraphrasing here) When we got engaged everyone said you’ve only been together for a short time, take it slow, now they’ve been together about 4 years and everyone is like When’s the big day!
She also said they’ve set a date and they know what it is they just aren’t sharing it. Personally I think given all that she was going through around the time they got engaged waiting to get married was a smart move. Wishing them all the best!
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