Hi. I need to have a serious, grown folks* moment with y’all, okay?
Listen closely.
Stop cooking naked.
That’s right, I said it. Stop. Cooking. Naked.
In the survey for the Clean Eating Boot Camp, several responses talked about how y’all are in the kitchen, trying to be sexy and cooking naked, and getting popped in the boob or elsewhere (yeeeeeeesh) with oil.
Don’t believe me? Just read:
Ok, this is funny to me and may be an over share but I wonder if this has ever happened to someone else. Well, let me just say that I hate clothes. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love fashion and dress nice when I’m out and about, but when I’m home, clothes are not an option. I do everything naked, lol, cook, clean, feed the dog, etc. Well, a while back, I burned my nipple trying to cook a homemade pizza. Like, I for real burned it, just trying to take the pizza out of the oven. Never again. It took months for my nipple to act right. Months! My boo always jokes about me almost burning my nipple off over some pizza, lol. How do you even explain that to people?! Well, I learned my lesson and I’m way more careful now. I cook in a tank top, lol. Smh. Eventually I will buy myself a sexy apron to wear instead. If you have any suggestions on where to purchase one, let me know.
And, trust me, she wasn’t the only one – a good 15 of you shared your stories, and if there’s one thing I know, it’s that for every one person who speaks up, there’s another 10 in hiding. That’s how I know y’all need some support here!
I’m going to help her, and any of you others who insist upon cooking for your boopiece in the buff, because you can’t read BGG2WL from the hospital bed when you’re recovering from third degree burns across your abdomen… and I like having you here!
Here are a few important ways to keep yourself safe when you’re trying to impress your sexytime partner. Don’t ask me if I’ve done these myself:
1) Plan ahead – if you can help it, do as much of your prep work in advance as you can. If you think your boo-ski might like a post-coital sammich, perhaps fry your bacon – ahem, turkey bacon when you make mine, thanks! – or your burgers prior to when your boopie arrives, and leave it in the oven until you’re ready to prep, and then simply turn on the stove to re-heat so that it doesn’t lose much of its juices.
2) C.Y.A. – that stands for cover your, well, you know what it means. A plush robe that you open as you leave the kitchen to be cute, but close and tie shut when you re-enter is always a good idea. A satin or silk robe isn’t thick enough to provide ample protection, and even if it was, it ruins easily near heat. Even close proximity to heat can discolor good satin, let alone the cheap stuff.
A thick home robe like this super-cozy Charter Club shorty will keep your goodies covered, and still give you the ability to move freely about the kitchen. Roll up the sleeves if you need to – even pull a ponytail holder (also known as a hair thing) up over the sleeve to keep it from sliding down as you work if need be – and get down.
3) C.Y.S. – that stands for “cover your skillets!” I could tell you what not to cook, but the reality is that a good meal needs to have some good fat to it. And, if that means a little olive oil in the skillet, who am I to frown upon it? Just make sure you grab a splatter screen like this one from Martha Stewart to cover your skillet and catch any oil that might fly out of the skillet in the cooking process.
4) A good apron – An apron that’s wide enough to cover you in the upper area (some of you Breasty McChestersons are gonna need to simply stick to the robe method in this case) will do the trick!
Want to cook naked? Check out this super-cute apron to protect the REAL goodies!
This super-cute apron from DebzDoodlez’s Etsy store is what I have in mind most for this one – wide at the top, cute little retro styling, and even allows for custom ordering for those of you who might need a little more fabric for one reason or another!
5) Safety first, safety always – above all other things, play it smart. Never stand closer to an active stove than you have to, never turn on the fire hotter than is absolutely necessary, always turn your skillet handles inward towards the center of the stove and never dangling off the sides of the stove, always used pot holders and oven mitts, and watch your dangle-y bits when you’re pulling things out of the oven, in the event that you take for granted the fact that you’re not clothed and accidentally burn yourself. Last time I checked, the wrong kind of burn mark can take you out of the mood pretty quickly.
All in all, be sexy, but be safe. And cook your boocakes something healthy! Raw preferred, but from what I’ve, uh, heard, you usually want something nice and juicy, ahem… and I can’t be mad at that at all!
*Who am I kidding? I giggled my entire way through writing this!