I’m not gonna lie – I might’ve been one of the last people on Earth to know just how seriously The Onion takes the “satire” game, especially since I was able to physically hold a copy of an Onion newspaper in my hand, dripping wet with sarcasm, snark and “so bad it may very well be true”isms.
That being said, when I saw this on their website Saturday, I had to raise an eyebrow because… um… anyone familiar with “sports club culture” knows this kind of “thing” quite well.
Citing her shapeless physique, protruding skeleton, and jaundiced complexion, gym members exercising at a local Equinox Fitness Club on Friday confirmed that the anorexic woman working out on the first floor is looking good.
“Oh, man, she looks amazing,” Equinox member John Stevens said while watching the 80-pound sexpot walk across the floor in a tight spandex outfit that exposed her distended stomach, sinewy musculature, and thin, translucent skin. “She’s totally hot.”
“She’s here all the time, and whenever I see her, all I can think about is running my hands along her protuberant vertebrae all the way down to her shriveled ass,” he continued, glancing up from his treadmill once more to get a good look at the woman’s seductive, shrunken breasts and long, corpselike legs. “Man, I just want to take her home and break her in half. It wouldn’t be that hard.”
According to Equinox staff members, the gorgeous emaciated woman joined the fitness center two years ago when she moved to the city for work, and immediately drew attention for being an absolute knockout, especially with her gaunt face and prematurely aged body. Since then, male and female members alike have frequently asked the identity of the stunning young woman with boney clavicles, jagged kneecaps, and sunken, hollow cheekbones.
Staffers said that just last week, no fewer than five secret admirers approached the information kiosk to inquire about the skeletal, withered woman who works out on the same treadmill every morning at 6 a.m.
“I don’t know what’s cuter, the way her sports bra clings to her flattened chest as she sweats, the way her elbows stick out at acute angles when she pumps her spindly arms, or the fact that you can wrap your hands all the way around the circumference of her thighs,” an anonymous admirer told reporters, adding that he gets “really turned on” whenever she bends over and flaunts her jutting tailbone. “The curves of her rib cage, the stunning watery eyes, the patch of shiny scalp peeking through her brittle, thinning hair—she’s basically got the whole package.”
“I mean, she obviously works hard for it,” he added, noting her rigorous workout routine and apparent commitment to starving herself. “I wonder if she’s single. Wait, what am I saying? There’s no way she is. Not with a cadaverous body like that.”
At press time, the anorexic hottie was on her sixth mile on the treadmill, looking as ravishing and underfed as ever. [source]
I laughed, but only because it was excessively extra… but I also felt sad because for some of us, we’d swear up and down this is probably how those conversations go in real life.
Keeping it real, two things came to mind for me when reading this: 1) you have to be careful who you “admire” at the gym, because even though you see them working hard, you never know what demons they might be battling with. 2) sometimes, good satire can make you think too much… like now. I’own know – maybe it just reminded me a little too much of what I see and overhear in my own gym.
What about you? What do you think?