In a couple of weeks my mother turns 65.She takes yoga and Zumba every chance she gets and if you sneeze more than twice around her, she’ll cook you a pot of collard greens. My mother believes her collard greens can fix just about anything.

She has a fiery personality that can rub people the wrong way. But those who know her don’t mind, because it was that same fire that helped her overcome poverty, beat cancer and protect her five cubs.

My mother is a black woman.

And she is beautiful.

So to the editors of Psychology Today who thought it was a good idea to post a blog item calling black women ugly, I suggest you watch your back… my mother’s cubs are looking for you.

And we are not happy.

Satoshi Kanazawa’s post, “Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?” appeared Sunday and quickly circulated around the blogosphere. It drew a great deal of criticism, which I suspect led to the post being pulled, though you can still find it elsewhere on the Web.

While it’s not quite as bad as Golfweek magazine putting a noose on its cover in relationship to a story about Tiger Woods, it is still rather disturbing that Psychology Today’s editors needed public outcry to clue them in that the post was offensive and irresponsible.

It’s challenging enough to see popular culture publications such as People and Maxim struggle to include black women in their annual most-beautiful listings, but at least their editors don’t try to justify their choices under the guise of science.

“Because they have existed much longer in human evolutionary history, Africans have more mutations in their genomes than other races,” Kanazawa’s post read. “And the mutation loads significantly decrease physical attractiveness.”

I do not dispute Kanazawa’s credentials as an evolutionary psychologist at the London School of Economics, but I do wonder why he even approached the topic.

I question a methodology that asks random people to judge the attractiveness of other random people without taking into account the influence of background and culture. Without taking into account a Westernized standard of beauty that has not only haunted some black women into buying cream to bleach their skin but prompted some Asian-Americans to undergo surgery to make their eyes more European looking.

That’s not to say white skin or round eyes are necessarily unattractive. Rather, a system that declares one set of physical attributes as the standard to which a multiethnic society must adhere is destructive.

And racist.

And yet as much as I detest Kanazawa’s post, I do recognize it as just another chapter in the ongoing assault on black women in our culture.

He says they’re ugly.

The statistics say 42% have never been married.

Some rappers say, well, we know what they say… and apparently we don’t mind, because they keep topping the charts.

If you comb through Donald Bogle’s book “Toms, Coons, Mulattoes, Mammies and Bucks: An Interpretive History of Blacks in American Films,” you’ll find a long celluloid history of black women being portrayed as anything but beautiful. Their sass is a constant source of comedic relief, but rarely are they seen as complete human beings, to be romanced or capable of being vulnerable.

Nowadays the most popular black female characters in film are not even played by black women. Tyler Perry’s “Madea” and Martin Lawrence’s “Big Momma” characters are unflattering caricatures of figureheads who for generations on top of generations held the black community together.

Funny, maybe.

Fair, definitely not.

His write-up continues on the CNN website, and is worth you clicking over to check it out, if for no other reason than to make sure he and his post get credit for bringing CNN that kind of traffic. Maybe they’ll see it’s worth posting uplifting commentary about Black women. Giant hugs go out to Granderson for using his platform to get this message out (and if only he could manage to also moderate those comments, but I digress.)

I’ve no desire to get into a “woe is me” parade, here, but the perception of Black women is affected by a lot of things… all of which make it difficult for us to exist the way we want in our day to day lives. We are always assumed to be the “lowest common denominator” (do we automatically assume every white woman is a single parent, poor, and moves her head and neck around like crazy whenever she’s upset?), always assumed to be promiscuous, and must always be “strong like bull.” We can’t be who we are – or work toward being who we aspire to be – without being told that there are reasons to focus elsewhere. We can’t even walk down the street in peace, in most cases.

It’s difficult to be us, but we still do it. And according to that faux-study – the only thing that was interesting to me about the entire “study” – we still think highly of ourselves despite it all.

I saw someone comment on the study and state that “we” – meaning Black women – are the only ones who continue to consume media that denigrates us. I disagree. We’re denigrated as women – something we share with all women, and that plight shouldn’t be minimized – and then we’re devalued as Blacks, something we share with all minorities, regardless of race. And we all still consume this media because many of us still feel like we have no other choice. I’ve always felt like the problem isn’t, so to speak, the consumption of media. The problem is what we do with what we’ve consumed.

Something awesome happened the other day. We all consumed, so to speak, the horrific post by Kanazawa, and what did we do with that? We complained. We wrote letters. We tweeted (twote?) about it and called it to the attention of others. We e-mailed our contacts. We shared with our peers – Black, white, Latina/o and otherwise – what foolishness was passing for science, and we built up among our collectives a very strong stance that we wouldn’t tolerate this from outlets to whom we extend credibility. If Psychology Today were going to maintain its credibility and respect, it would need to address this matter.

Needless to say, all that tweeting, facebooking, emailing and whatever else (carrier pigeon?) we were doing got the attention of the right people. Sent to me this morning by @YoungFlynMommy:

Evolutionary psychologist Satoshi Kanazawa stooped to new levels of awfulness in his post claiming “black women are significantly less physically attractive than women of other races.” His racist remarks could cost him his job at the London School of Economics.According to the Guardian, many LSE students lodged complaints after Kanazawa’s offensive post made the rounds. Said Sherelle Davids of the LSE students’ union, “Kanazawa deliberately manipulates findings that justify racist ideology. As a black woman I feel his conclusions are a direct attack on black women everywhere who are not included in social ideas of beauty.” And Amena Amer, the union’s incoming education officer, said,

We support free speech and academic freedom, but Kanazawa’s research fuels hate against ethnic and religious minorities promoted by neo-Nazi groups. Not only does he use the LSE’s credentials to legitimise his ‘research’ but this jeopardises the academic credibility of the LSE.

The union has voted unanimously that Kanazawa should be fired. Now the school has launched an internal investigation that will evaluate his claims and decide whether to punish him. They’ve already issued a public statement saying he doesn’t speak for the LSE: “The views expressed by this academic are his own and do not in any way represent those of the LSE as an institution.”

Amer is correct that Kanazawa’s comments are an embarrassment to her school. Even if his views are his own, as long as they continue to employ him, they’re implicitly vouching for his merit as a scholar. And unless they’re prepared to say that his bar graphs about black women’s supposed ugliness are actually good science, it’s time for them to let him go. [source]

So no… the problem isn’t consuming the media. The problem is choosing to do nothing about it. We did something about it… and not only did we send a message to Kanazawa that his poor standards are a problem; not only did we send a message to evolutionary psychologists everywhere that a social construct – like beauty – cannot be explained through genetics; not only did we send a message to racists everywhere that their imperceptive attempts to sneak in racist “studies” will always be sniffed out and justice will be metted out for it; not only did we all speak out against such foolishness together?

There was an outpouring of reminders that there is love and support for Black women out there. We just have to be more judicious in surrounding ourselves with it.

CNN Op Ed: “Black Women Ugly? Says Who?” & Consequences Of The Study is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

Related posts:

1. Stupid Study: Why Black Women Are Fatter, Dumber, More Manly And Less Attractive Than Others
2. Update: “Why Black Women Are Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?”
3. “Healthy” Waist May Be Larger For Black Women

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Post tags: black women, cnn, kanazawa, lz granderson, media, psychology today, relationships, society

The description reads, “Clips from the upcoming documentary exploring the deep-seated biases and attitudes about skin color—particularly dark skinned women, outside of and within the Black American culture.”

Welp. Hope you’ve got a tissue. You just might need it.

Before we do this, I’d like to make a few things clear.

Proclaiming “It’s 2011! Skin color doesn’t matter any more!” doesn’t work around here. The reality is that anyone who spends any amount of time on a social network – the places where people are most able to share what’s on their mind without the threat of immediate repercussion in their daily lives – will be able to tell you that at LEAST once a day collectives of people are discussing “a skin-color issue.”

I do acknowledge that skin color issues go both ways. It just so happens that today, the topic is a movie that focuses on, well, Dark Girls. I’d love to see and hear stories of how skin color issues have affected us all, but one person’s story doesn’t invalidate another’s.

Lastly, I’d love to use this as a case study to help us understand how we identify ourselves, and what we pass on to our daughters.

Like, for instance. The girl whose mother said “…and could you just think of if she had any lightness to her skin? She’d be beautiful!” I actually became teary eyed at that moment. As a mother who is now very aware of what messages I pass on to my daughter, and as the sole arbiter of who she becomes as a person right now… I cannot imagine her being “too dark” as a “negative point” against her when I think of all the things that make her who she is.

One of the pleasures of attending an historically Black university is that you get the opportunity to take very culture-specific courses. One of those, for me, was a psychology course that centered around issues that faced Black America and how we can combat them. It was in this course that I learned about Drs. Kenneth and Mamie Clark, who are both well-known for their “Doll Studies” which are what’s mimicked in the first few moments of this video.

You have to wonder where our little girls get these messages from? That they’re worth less – not necessarily worthless – than their peers because their skin is darker. I’ve written about this before – the more we highlight and focus on perceived flaws in our little girls, the more likely they are to do things that we don’t attribute to girls who have high self-esteem… and that could be weight or skin color. The little girl who answered those questions in that video couldn’t have been older than a second grader (I might have a kid, but I’m terrible at guessing their ages.) and had already decided that a child who looks the most like her is the dumber, uglier child. What happened to thinking you are the hottest potato in the pan?

(“Hottest potato in the pan?” Yes. I’m country. I know already.)

What scares me the most about this, as a Mom, is that I don’t know what it is that passes on these images to children – is it something as inconspicuous as seeing only white children in TV shows, or is it actually hearing someone say “nobody wants your dark ass anyway?” – so I don’t know how to fight it. I don’t know how to combat it. And can we ever? Even if your home is safe for the development of a young Black girl’s psyche, who’s to say that your sister is as enlightened as you? Your Mother? Your cousins? The babysitter? The other kids on the yard? If it’s coming from all angles, how many swords do you need?

I mean, how much pain do you have to endure in your childhood before you start to say things like “I don’t want my child to look like me?” How does that change how you approach and view relationships? How many women do we know who specifically seek out men who “look a certain way” so that the possibility of diluting the skin color of the child is greater? How does that mentality feed into the idea that “lighter skin” is a hotter commodity and more wanted than, well, Dark Skin? I mean, I think of a fella I dated once – fair skin, green eyes – who swore up and down that I was only interested in having his baby, since “that’s how all the others were.” Poking holes in condoms, lying about birth control… needless to say, that was too much for me.

And really, for those of us who were teased (or watched someone be teased) as children for being overweight, what do we do? We go into hyperdrive trying to prevent our little girls from being overweight. What messages do we pass on to them about themselves when we do that? When we overcompensate in our parenting, and our little girls turn into that which we didn’t “want,” how do we treat them then? Do we become resentful and start trying to have another child, preferably without the perceived “defect,” or do we just beat it into our little girls’ heads that they “have a flaw they need to work hard to overcome?” Isn’t that just passing down the same body image issues we have?

Who perpetuates this? I mean, if you listen closely enough, it comes from three different angles: one woman says “I’m used to hearing ["I'm so glad she didn't come out dark!"] from other races,” a man says “Dark skinned women look funny beside me, so I’d rather not date a dark skinned woman,” and – obviously – our media, which is run by an often nameless, faceless collective that is, ostensibly, not-black. (At this point, considering how ingrained this is in our society, I don’t know whether or not it’d matter whether or not media was all-Black.)

The point about sexuality is also troubling to me, because when we try to decouple issues that compel women to make questionable decisions when it comes to relationships. You can deny it, but the point will always be there. It is a fact that transcends relationships, but is especially visible there: individuals who believe that they have less to offer than their peers will accept a lesser role and be happy with that, simply because they don’t think they’re worthy of any role at all.

Calling a woman “beautiful, exotic” behind closed doors, basically telling her everything she wants to hear, getting what you want from her, and then leaving? It’s using a woman. It’s exploiting her weaknesses. And if everyone around her values her as little as she does, there’s no one around her capable of building up her self-worth, because they don’t think she’s worth much, either. There’s no one around able to support her in her most vulnerable point – the point where she feels like she has nothing to offer and is worthy of merely meaningless sex (unless, of course, she can tell herself that this is exactly what she wants and is honest with herself about it.)

“It doesn’t look clean, I feel like… like, nasty, almost… When you roll out of bed, and your hair is like, nappy, it’s the most disgusting, unclean thing…”

Oh, word?

My bad.

I don’t care to do the natural-vs-relaxed thing on my blog. However… this makes me sad, especially from a girl so… young. And while I’m almost certain that there’s some grown woman out there like “Well, I agree with her. It just looks unclean,” I’m going to go out on a limb and say “That… makes me sad, too.” And we can both be okay with that.

I’m in the interest of shining a light on the things that prevent us from being who we are, who we want to be… and most of us want to be lovers, dreamers and little green frogs–er, I mean, worthy of… the same things as everyone else. We want the space to be vulnerable. To be emotional without being deemed angry. To be loved without subtext. To be adored and admired. To be exoticized without malicious intent – as in, it’s okay to love my dark skin and my deep eyes, but do you also seek to love the other things that make me who I am? These stigmas keep us from getting to that space. How do we fight them?

Body Image, Self-Worth & Sexuality: Dark Skin, A New Documentary is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

Related posts:

1. Body Image: Feeling Like You’re Never Enough
2. Black Women, Body Image And Our Relationship To The Life-Sized Barbie
3. The Quest For Healthy Body Image

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© Erika for A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss, 2012. | Permalink | 39 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: blackness, Body Image, dark skin, light skin, relationships, skin color

What also makes sense is that when it comes time to change as a person, if our friends can’t accept that change or downplay/inhibit that change in some fashion, they should fall to the wayside… right?

So what happens when our friends are standing in the way of our growth as healthy individuals? Think about it. Do we get together over a jog, or over a giant Three-For-All (pictured above)? Do we get together and drink a six pack together, or do we go someplace…. where food isn’t involved? If I suggest that we get together over an activity, not a meal… is someone wondering, “Yeah, and can we stop at Chili’s? I’m starving!”

I think it’s a difficult realization to face – that the people we love might be enabling bad habits that are hazardous to our health. I remember my best friend – who actually models – and I always would get together for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and/or the bar. She started working out at a local gym, and I… went for 7 days. That was it for us and the gym thing. And eventually, the more in-tune she got with her health, the more time it resulted in her spending away from me. Phone time? I’ve got you covered. Otherwise, it wasn’t happening.

I can admit it now – her “healthiness” made me uncomfortable! It was a constant reminder of how unhealthy I was, and instead of telling myself “Yeah, she might lap me on the track but I’m good if I keep going,” I said “I’m not going to embarrass myself like this!” She would also tell you, that my friendship was bad for her health. We talked all the time, but we couldn’t hang – because I always needed food to be involved, for some reason. That’s just the way it was. We can joke about it now, but it’s an underlying issue in many friendships, I’d presume.

Enter this lovely article that I came across via Yahoo! discussing how our friendships impact our health. Taken from the article:

In the study, 130 kids ages 9 to 15 were allowed to snack as much as they wanted while hanging out with a friend or with a peer they did not know. All the kids ate more when they were with a friend than with a stranger. But the overweight children ate the most when paired with an overweight friend – an average of 300 more calories than when they spent time with leaner friends. The research also found that friendship itself makes the appetite grow stronger: when overweight kids ate with similar-weight kids who were already their pals, they threw back an extra 250 calories than when they ate with chubby kids they had just met.

If that wasn’t enough to make you raise an eyebrow, here’s a little more:

Socializing with overweight people can change what we perceive as the norm; it raises our tolerance for obesity both in others and in ourselves. It’s also about letting your hair down. Past research has shown that adults tend to eat more around friends and family than they do with strangers. They shed their inhibitions about how it looks when they go back for thirds or order the alfredo sauce instead of the marinara.

I’ve got one more that goes in line with what I mentioned earlier:

Finally, there’s the idea that we like to hang with people who are like ourselves. Cornell food sociologist Jeffrey Sobal explains that “especially among two overweight people, there’s a sort of permission-giving going on. We’re encouraging each other to eat more.”

So knowing this, what do we do? Do we start dumping our friends who are less healthy than ourselves? Do we begin to grow offended by the friends who might’ve faded out of our lives? Do we simply chalk it up to natural progression and look forward to experiencing our own?

I can honestly tell you, I don’t know. Almost ALL of my friends were in single-digit sizes. They all tried to help me, but I had to come to this conclusion about my self and my health.. on my own. With the logic in this article, I should’ve fallen by the wayside a long time ago.

However, their lack of desire to talk to me about health and fitness wasn’t helping me, either. It was almost as if it made them uncomfortable, or they were afraid to hurt my feelings. No lie, it probably would’ve hurt my feelings for sure. It enabled my bad behavior (not like they should be responsible for it in any capacity, anyhow.) It took my making friends who were as fitness focused as I eventually became to help me integrate my healthy habits into my life.

It took me seeing that people “really live this way” (and yes, I put that in quotation marks because that’s the exact quote I said to myself!) for me to accept that this was an option for me. It took me learning that people “really think about these things” when they order food. And sure enough, when I started to blindly and openly talk about these things with my friends, all of a sudden we started to have new conversations! About calories, cooking, health, fitness, exercise, yoga, junk food, everything! It was like they were keeping a part of themselves away from me because they didn’t want to hurt me. Sure enough, our friendships grew much better beyond that because we were able to bond over one more important part of our lives. I learned a lot of the things that I share in this blog from those relationships.

So, I say all of that to say this: If your friends are hindering your progress, don’t just fall back – if they’re in the same boat as you, talk to them and see if you all have the same concerns and are just afraid to bring them up. If they’re “not concerned” or “just trying to enjoy today,” then find more friends to share your fitness goals and experiences with… and serve as a role model for your friends who are in the same boat as you. You never know who you may inspire, or who may bond with you after they become inspired by your progress!

What About Your Friends: Are They Helping Or Hindering Your Progress? is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

Related posts:

1. Motivation and Measuring Weight Loss Progress: The Progress Dress
2. Q&A Wednesday: Unsupportive Friends Tell Me “Live A Little!”
3. A Year Of Progress In Photos

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© Erika for A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss, 2012. | Permalink | 7 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: emotional eating, relationships, social eating

Trying to attract men… or trying to keep a man… or trying to please a man.

This isn’t some man-hating thesis… I love my men just as much as the next hetero chick (or gay dude, for that matter) but for crying out loud, I have to set some boundaries in regards to just how much of my life revolves around them.

When I chat with women about fitness, we inevitably have the “boo” conversation.

“Hey… I’m just tryin’ to get a boo.”

“Girl, you’re crazy. I get plenty of boos right now with all this booty and all these thighs!”

Then, you get your skinny minnies joining the conversation and pissing everybody off:

“I just want thicker thighs, but I can’t eat all that cornbread! I’m tired of being called skinny!”

Sure enough, we all leave the conversation a little more angry, a little more tired, and a little more depressed than when we entered.

I see three major issues, here.

Firstly, to the woman losing weight solely to get the man – once you get the man, are you pretty much done caring for and maintaining your body? Are you going to skip the working out and eating properly because you “got your boo?” I mean, really – talk about a bait and switch. We’d be mad as sin if he (or she?) only opened doors and pulled out chairs to make us swoon and once he felt like we were deep enough in love, gave up on that stuff. Find yourself valuable enough to be a person worth pleasing. If you’re at a point where appearance is important, be invested enough in pleasing yourself with your appearance… that you’ll work to maintain it for all time. Not just for now… or until he puts a ring on it. Sure enough, you’ll be forced to adopt healthier choices and everyone will be healthier in the long run.

Secondly, to the woman who believes she doesn’t need to lose weight specifically because all the men are praising her frame. There is nothing worse than a woman who uses outside validation as an excuse for not keeping herself in check. It’s one thing to appreciate outside validation (“Oh, girl, you look great!” or the “Wow, you’re getting small!”), but to use it as the basis and/or grounds for decisions in my personal life? Unacceptable.

It’s bad enough that society tells us, on a daily basis, that the end goal for women is [not a successful career, not a dope loft in a bustling metropolitan city, not even CEO status.. but] a happy family and a man. It’s bad enough that we keep being told “Have babies or your eggs will shrivel up to nothingness and you will be worthless, girl!” Letting men (or any outside factor, for that matter) play such a huge role in how concerned (or unconcerned, for that matter) we are with our overall health is just doing too much.

When I first started out on my own path for weight loss, I had a supportive boyfriend. He wasn’t pushing me in either direction – in fact, I think he knew this was a journey I needed to figure out on my own for me. I needed to stand on my own two feet emotionally. I needed to support myself. I needed to be my own cheerleader first, and allow the support of others to come second. I’m thankful for that, because our relationship didn’t last. I can only imagine where I’d be had he chosen otherwise and I’d relied on him to keep me focused, because heaven knows I wasn’t that emotionally stable when it came to self-care. I just now happen to have the hindsight to appreciate how things worked out for me, and how I developed an ability to spot what I needed (notice all the italicized “I needed”s in this paragraph.) and how important it was to make sure that I had what I needed emotionally. No one takes care of you better than you. Ever.

And speaking of hindsight, now I know that the “support from others” is not only conditional, but temporary. Since you, shrinking down in size, means you might be looking more like them/better than them, they become less and less likely to cheer you on in the future. Just like how I wrote about friendships either helping or hindering our efforts to be healthier, those friends might’ve been keeping you around because [in some sick and twisted way] you made them feel better about not being… like you. Becoming a healthier version of yourself – regardless of whether or not that includes weight loss – not only shines an uncomfortable light on their own habits, but makes people feel competitive. Especially if they saw you as beneath them.

Not saying everyone is like that, but dang if it didn’t happen. Please believe the “Wow, you’re getting small!”s eventually turn into “Wow, you’re too skinny, now! Here, have some more [insert crap], girl. Eat up.” and behind your back? It’s probably “That bitch needs a cookie… or a cheeseburger.”

Now, I get questions like “So are you dating much more now that you’ve lost weight?” and get blank stares when I reply, “I’m not dating at all. I’m too focused on me right now to get to know anyone new.”

“Awww, girl, you’re wasting all that hard work!”

Aw, word? So.. my losing weight, escaping diabetes and hypertension, and changing my habits was… to expand my dating options? I mean, forget the fact that I wanted to make sure that if I needed to protect my child and I, I could. And forget the fact that I wanted to make sure that I’d be around long enough to see my grandchildren graduate college. And even forget the fact that I needed to know that I wasn’t actively contributing to my own demise all for the sake of something stupid like the kind of food I insisted on shoving down my throat.

My hard work was wasting because… I wasn’t dating. Priorities, people.

I’m convinced that there’s a conspiracy out there meant to prevent women from valuing themselves and their own opinions enough to be comfortable with shutting out society. Heaven forbid we be empowered enough to tell someone exactly where they – and their silly opinions – can go.

I think that we can all say that 80% of weight loss is eating properly. I think we can also say that for so many of us, our eating problems come from an emotional place. If there’s an emotional void, why allow someone other than ourselves to fill it? Why allow ourselves to rely on something or someone so flimsy?

Let’s be honest about it: no other person, no outside source of validation – whether you’re seeking that validation or already have that validation – can replace how we feel about ourselves… and if we feel like we need to tune up our habits, tighten up our physiques or eat better? Then we need to believe enough in ourselves, have enough faith in ourselves, and value our own opinions enough to make it happen. It’s as simple as that.

Men And Your Weight is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

Related posts:

1. Did I Just Plateau? Why Am I Not Losing Weight?
2. 5 Reasons Why You Won’t Lose Weight
3. “Weight Loss Is For People With Low Self-Esteem”

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© Erika for A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss, 2012. | Permalink | 41 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: dating, health, men, perceptions, relationships, selfishness

"Sex In Progress?" Nope.. not over here.

If I can talk about stretch marks, cellulite, emotional eating and poop… surely, I can talk about this.

Besides, it’s my blog. C’mon. C’mooooooooon.

As I’ve mentioned a few times before, I’m abstinent. That’s right. I’m not having sex. Last time I had sex? Let’s just say the President in office used words like “strategery.”

And in any other context, it’d totally make sense for you to ask me why, on Earth, I’d bring this up on a blog for weight loss and wellness. But today, it’s important.

Why? Because my experience with losing weight has caused my sex drive to increase to such a monumental degree… that if I didn’t put a [chastity] ring on it, I might’ve lost my mind.

Mind you, my decision to remain abstinent had more to do with my desire to spend this time focusing on myself. I’d broken up with the boyfriend I had when I first began, realized that I needed to spend some time being selfish and made my decision to keep my body to myself – literally – for as long as I needed. Undergoing the changes that I’ve endured throughout this time period left me vulnerable emotionally (abandoning emotional eating and trying to find ways to cope with stress that weren’t addictive in nature? very vulnerable) and I think I would’ve either been extremely paranoid of anyone around me romantically, or become emotionally dependent upon them. That’s not fair to anyone. I’ll keep me to myself for the time being.

I first noticed it after about the 50lb mark. I mean, I’ll be honest – part of me was just excited to be able to possibly “do my Beyonce thing someday,” and I figured that I was just feelin’ myself a little bit. No biggie, right? I mean, it’s exciting to recognize that the effort you’re putting through is causing such major changes in your body, and even if you don’t feel physically sexier just yet… you certainly feel empowered. And power is always sexy, right?

At the 100lb mark? It wasn’t just “Oh, I’m empowered! I’m Super Woman! This is sexy!” It wasn’t even “Oh, I’m abstinent so that I can be selfish and focus on myself right now.” It was “Oh my gosh, why am I always horny?! I can’t take this! This can’t be life!” It was obnoxious. Couple that with the fact that at events, men (women?) who haven’t seen you in a while are so in awe of your changes that they want to touch you… and keep touching you? I’ll be honest. It made life rough. Men, who I’ve known for years, would stand near me and insisted on touching me more suggestively than they ever had before… wrapping their hand around me and resting it on my hip – my hip that no longer had a spare tire resting on it and was a nicely-shaped curve – and it took a lot of blinking, deep breathing and thinking-before-I-spoke to keep me from throwing abstinence out the window and ducking away in a damn linen closet somewhere. And did I mentioned the heightened sensitivity you feel in places where you’ve lost weight? Good grief.

I didn’t say I was proud of it. I’m just tellin’ the truth.

At the 150lb mark? I straight up gave up and became a hermit.

I’m kidding… sorta.

I feel like it came in waves. Just when I was getting used to it, another wave would come over me and I’d have to reacclimate to what I was dealing with all over again. It’s not that it got increasingly worse, but if I hadn’t struggled to become accustomed to what my body was feeling? It might’ve felt that way.

Of course there’s a scientific explanation for all this, right? Right.

Let’s talk about sex drive for a minute. Your libido is the thing that makes you want sex. It’s what compels you to want to get down to business. Primarily controlled by testosterone levels in the body, its what gives you the ability to put forth the energy necessary to develop and satisfy a sexual appetite. Men might make way more testosterone, but women are more sensitive to it.

What role does weight play in sex drive?

Men aren’t alone with sex problems caused by poor blood flow. Research shows overweight women’s sex drive and desire are affected by the same problem.

“We are beginning to see that the width of the blood vessels leading to the clitoris [the area of the vagina most closely related to sexual response] in women are affected by the same kind of blockages that impact blood flow to the penis,” says Susan Kellogg, PhD, director of sexual medicine at the Pelvic and Sexual Health Institute of Graduate Hospital in Philadelphia.

When this happens, says Kellogg, a woman’s body is far less responsive, and a drop in desire is not far behind.

Complicating matters further for both sexes: The more body fat you have, the higher your levels of a natural chemical known as SHBG (short for sex hormone binding globulin). It’s aptly named because it binds to the sex hormone testosterone. Doctors theorize that the more testosterone that is bound to SHBG, the less there is available to stimulate desire. [source]

If you listen to Dr. Oz (my personal crush – or is that just my libido talking?) tell it, he’ll say the following:

“The big issue on weight loss, for me, is that it allows your hormones to work the way they’re supposed to. When you have that belly fat that I was showing you earlier, it becomes metabolically alive. It begins to convert hormones. It’ll convert your estrogen levels in the wrong way – which is why it’s associated with different cancers… breast cancer, uterine cancer and the like – but it also does bad things to your testosterone. And women have testosterone, too. Any guy who’s got a big waist, I can guarantee you, begins to have problems with testosterone levels. ‘Cause if your testicles are a normal size, and the testosterone that’s being made by the testicles is being converted by your big belly into estrogen or other things, you don’t have any left. The same goes for women. So one of the surefire ways to re-light the sexual adventures in your life, is to get rid of that belly fat.” [source]

The increase in my sexual appetite was noticeable to me because my entire journey has been about learning, listening to and answering to my body. It was ever-present to me because I noticed that certain things I would do would either remind me of sex or would make me think something sex-related. While I think that can be super duper fun in the right contexts… I certainly think it can also be dangerous, especially for those of us who might be feeling a little insecure with our bodies. Insecurity + an increasingly growing sexual appetite = recipe for disaster: how many times do women do things they eventually regret because someone told them “what they wanted to hear?” Especially when all you want to hear is that you’re “beautiful” and “sexy” and “amazing” and all those other vague words that really excite us for some weird reason? Yeah… no. Nothing worse than having that void to fill, letting empty compliments from strangers fill that void and then being left empty when your stranger decides they can no longer benefit from what you have to offer.

In all seriousness… losing any weight is going to be an awesome experience, but for those of you in committed relationships? Just… tell your mate to get ready. And for people like me, who will be single when they experience those waves of libidoey goodness? Especially those of you who may have a lot to lose as well? Consider taking some time out to learn how to understand and appreciate your new sexual appetite. You’d hate to have someone around who’d simply appreciate how voracious you’ve become, only to decide there’s nothing else to enjoy about you once you’ve “normalized.” Besides, considering how much you’ll be learning about yourself and your body? You might be far too excited by yourself to want to be bothered with anyone else.

No pun intended. I promise. (Sort of.)

Weight Loss… and Your Libido is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

Related posts:

1. A Very Big Piece of My Weight Loss Story
2. The Math Behind Weight Loss Plateaus
3. Stop Defeating Your Weight Loss Efforts Before You Begin

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Post tags: abstinence, hormones, libido, relationships, sexual appetite, testosterone, the body, weight loss and sex drive, your body

As usual, a few notes:

“Being overweight is infectious. Friends of those who become obese risk a 57% chance of also becoming overweight.”

Really? Oh.

“Studies have shown that binge eating of sugary sweets can cause an addictive response in the brain similar to illegal drugs.”

Again, really? Oh.

“Stress and depression can be temporarily alleviated by eating. Cortisol, a stress hormone, also causes weight to be retained in several key areas. At 9.6%, America has the highest depression rate in the world. 75% of the population considers itself overstressed, up from 59% last year.”

I wonder why that happens.

“The closer a school is to a fast food restaurant, the more student obesity it has. The average American school is only 600 meters away from a fast food restaurant, a seven minute walk or a far shorter cruise to the drive thru. This may be the reason why childhood obesity has quadrupled in the last forty years.”

“Still not worried?” 10% of national medical costs are spent dealing with complications and disease brought on by obesity – roughly $147 billion tax dollars every year.”

“Brought on” by obesity, or “coupled with” obesity? The two are very different. Type 2 diabetes occurs in “skinny” people, too. Not only that, but the same things that cause type 2 diabetes are the same things that cause obesity, so…. just like a person can be overweight and not have diabetes? A person can be diabetic and not be overweight. The longer we continue that stupid philosophy, the longer we continue to deal with these problems because we insist on attributing it to obesity instead of food.

It’ll be a hilarious day, indeed, when we’ve “cured” obesity and people start to realize that type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure are still around. “Well what the hell happened?” “Gee, buddy, I don’t know…”

“The Obesity Olympics…”

…seriously? [insert confused face]

“Still, we choose what we put into our bodies, right? Not entirely – food deserts, areas with little to no access to healthy foods, exist throughout America, eliminating the option to eat healthily entirely.”

For once, a infographic doesn’t completely ignore this issue.

Your thoughts?

Infograph: Obesity In America is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

Related posts:

1. Infographic: The Skinny on Obesity in America
2. Statistics: Obesity By The Numbers
3. What Does An Overweight Surgeon General Mean To America?

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Post tags: Fast Food, infographics, obesity, relationships, schools

Before I do, though, I want to share this quote that’s in the comments and, hilariously, sums this article up in under fifty words:

“Attention women! Don’t fall for this headline. Read carefully, and you’ll see that all you have to do is be thinner than your guy. Thus, if you’re fat, no need to put down the fork and get off the couch and all the cliches that fat-shamers spew. Just find a guy who’s bigger than you! Problem solved.”

So, before you begin, it’s not saying women need to be “tiny.” They just need to be “smaller than their partners.”

The President and our First Lady, from The Official White House Photo Blog

From ABC News (the bold is what I felt to be most important):

Marriages are more satisfying for both partners when wives are thinner than their husbands, according to a new study.

The four-year study of 169 newlywed couples found that husbands were more satisfied initially and wives were more satisfied over time when the fairer sex had a lower body mass index — a common measure of body fat. The study was published in the July issue of Social Psychological and Personality Science.

“There’s a lot of pressure on women in our society to achieve an often unreachably small weight,” said Andrea Meltzer, a doctoral candidate at the University of Tennessee and lead author of the study. “The great take-home message from our study is that women of any size can be happy in their relationships with the right partner. It’s relative weight that matters, not absolute weight. It’s not that they have to be small.”

Just how relative weight impacts marital bliss is unclear, but Meltzer has a theory.

“One idea is that attractiveness and weight are more important to men,” she said. “That might be why we see this emerging at the beginning of the marriage for husbands, and their dissatisfaction might be affecting wives’ satisfaction over time.”

The finding held up even when other marital stressors, such as depression and income level, were ruled out. But relative weight is not the only factor that affects marital satisfaction, Meltzer cautioned.

“Obviously a lot of things play into relationship satisfaction and this is just one of them,” she said. “It’s not a guarantee to be happy in a relationship.”

Man and women tend to be happier in a relationship when the men are “more powerful in a benign way,” according to Susan Heitler, a couple’s therapist in Denver and author of PowerOfTwoMarriage.com.

“The good news is there are many dimensions that symbolize power for men,” she said, adding that height, weight, earning capacity, intelligence, education level, personality, even a big smile are all empowering traits. “Those signs of bigness lead to a subconscious feeling within the woman of more security and, in turn, more marital satisfaction.”

The effects of marriage on weight, and vice versa, are tricky to tease apart. For women, unhappiness can often lead to weight gain — a situation that both partners often feel uncomfortable talking about. But Heitler said using open-ended questions to understand the impact of weight changes on the relationship can help.

Instead of asking, ‘Are you annoyed that I’ve put on weight?’ try, ‘How do you feel about the weight I’ve gained?’ Heitler said. “It’s better to know if the weight bothers your spouse than to not have that information.”

The importance of relative weight may vary between couples as well as between cultures. Ninety-four percent of the partners involved in the study were white.

“The emphasis on weight is an American and European value,” said Heitler. “The finding may be very different among the black community. In Africa, weight is a sign of fertility and voluptuousness. Heavier women are prized in that culture.”

Similarly, older partners may weigh the importance of relative weight differently than younger newlyweds.

“The effects of relative weight could definitely change over time,” Meltzer said, adding that all the couples in her study were younger than 35 years old. “As attractiveness plays less of a role, perhaps relative weight has less of an effect on satisfaction.” [source]

Speaking of benign, I don’t really know that this story told us anything we didn’t already “know” in an unspoken way: men care more about their partner’s weight than women do. Is that residual from the 50s era of the “Honey, I’m home!” man with his bread baking (and bon bon-eating) wife? Probably. Is it funny that it’s only “relative weight,” in that she only has to be smaller than her husband? Damn straight. As the commenter said above, “you only have to be smaller than your mate!”

Here’s what’s annoying about this, to me. I can understand saying “marriages are happier when…” and thinking you have the tools to prove your assertion. However, the spin on this is hilarious… and awesome. What would this study look like if it said “marriages are happier when the husband weighs more than the wife, because the wife feels more protected, safe and secure in her husband’s care?” The authors of the study saw their findings and immediately went to the wife’s weight, as opposed to the husband’s. Why? If there’s not something specific in the study that lends to that, does the spin not reflect upon the biases that the author of the study might have?

Oh, and about 94% of the study’s participants being white. Is 94% of the population white? No? Oh.

Putting the “study” and its findings aside, I do believe the theory about communication is a big point, regardless of how the study arrived at that conclusion. It’s a point of contention: one partner starts to feel insecure, doesn’t communicate that insecurity to their mate, that insecurity starts to affect their contributions to the relationship in other ways that affect the happiness of their partner in greater forms, the relationship starts to collapse. It’s pretty simple. How often do we hear about the husband who starts feeling insecure about his ability to provide for his struggling family, doesn’t talk about it with his wife, and then rectifies his insecurity by getting another woman on the side to try to make himself feel better? Y’know, because he feels so bad about his inability to provide, that he can’t possibly sleep with his wife anymore?

Or the wife who, because of age, starts to put on weight and doesn’t understand it; starts to feel insecure about her body; feels disgusted by the thought of being naked with her husband and, in turn, decides to make herself feel better by drowning her sorrows in a bowl of ice cream whenever she starts to feel bad?

Maybe because I spent soooooo much time celibate, I have a little bit of a different opinion on relationships that involve actual commitment. Not just the boo-thangs that are hangin’ around and keeping us “busy,” but the ones you commit to for the long haul. Why not trust your partner to talk to them about your insecurities and help them build you up? I mean, it might seem like a bad thing to be insecure, but it’s an even worse thing to let a wound fester to the point where it evolves into an infection… and who better to trust than the person who is committed to loving you and staying in your life? Who could be more invested in you building your self-esteem than the person who’s going to have to handle the immediate effects of you not having any?

What am I getting at? A few years ago, I asked the readers if anyone in their family was allowed to bring their weight to their attention, and a LOT of the answers I received sounded an awful lot like “hell naw!” But is that a result of an insecurity about one’s body, and if so, who better to trust to talk about it than the people closest to you… the people who are most affected by our insecurities? There was a great suggestion to use open-ended questions that don’t require simple “yes” or “no” answers. What about that?

Or are we still scared to communicate our issues as they involve weight? Thoughts?

Marriages More Satisfying When Wife Is Thinner Than Hubby? is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

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Post tags: marriage, relationships

Jennifer Hudson continued to show off her amazing new figure over the weekend before performing at AOL Sessions in Beverly Hills.  Although, she has been getting compliments left and right since slimming down, her fiance David Otunga isn’t too pleased with her sudden weight loss.  She recently told Jay Leno:

“He’s getting adjusted to it. He’s not really into change that much so he fusses at me like, “Why do you have to have to get all dressed up to go out and why can’t you just go our like you used to?” And I’m like “I’m a walking billboard now honey”

Two snaps. That new figure is helping to keep food on the table.

Read more: Jennifer Hudson’s Fiance Is Not Too Happy About Her Weight Loss | Necole Bitchie.com

The only reason I’m doing this is because I wanted to take the opportunity to line this up against the following:

3) There’s also an element of this that speaks to the insecurity of the mate. Yes, I do believe this has to be said, too. If this sentiment is shared repeatedly, with someone beating you over the head with this “you don’t need to lose weight… I like my women with x, y & z” kind of of thing… that’s a problem. Think about how dating works. We like to have arm candy on our arm. We like to walk around with someone we’re proud to have on our arm. For men, its usually that they want their girl to look better than every other girl in the room. For women, we usually like him to be well off, well dressed, well known… some kind of stock.

Now… don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that it absolutely IS better to look like a Victoria’s Secret model. What I am saying is that in this society… we know that the closer one is to that kind of figure, the more they are prized. Why would a significant other intentionally prevent you from doing something they know would garner you more compliments? Why would they try to dissuade you from doing something that you believe would make you better? Why consistently sabotage you? Why try to convince you to stay where you are, if you’ve already admitted (if not to him, at least to yourself) that you’re unhappy where you are?

I’ll just flat out say it. It’s because if you become more prized, they fear having to put forth the effort required to keep you around.

There’s a catch to weight loss, and I can admit this full stop. The more weight you lose, the larger the dating pool grows. It’s strange, because even men whom I’d been around for years were treating me differently. Speaking to me differently. People I’d joked with for years were all of a sudden hugging me closer, touching me differently. Men of different races were approaching me (which means the dating pool grows exponentially.. that is, if that’s your thing.) It’s somewhat bizarre and unfortunate – the fact that there are lots of people out there who simply will not date women beyond a certain weight – but that doesn’t change the fact that it is a very real reality… one that many of our current significant others do not want to face. They’d rather not compete with others for your affection. They’d rather not put forth the effort that would be required to regularly, repeatedly and consistently show you that you belong with them.

I’d never say that people choose overweight mates because they’re “easier”… but I do think that people get comfortable with their mates, and don’t like having to work harder than they’re used to in order to keep them.

Excerpted from “Don’t Lose Any Weight.. I Love A Big Fine Woman!” | A Black Girl’s Guide To Weight Loss

Thoughts? I’m just genuinely – genuinely – hoping it isn’t a case of what many of us have experienced, here.

Jennifer Hudson’s Fiance “Not Really Into” Her Weight Loss? is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

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1. Jennifer Hudson Opens Weight Watchers Center In Chicago
2. Jill Scott Dishes On Her 63lb Weight Loss
3. Jennifer Hudson Tells Her Story To Self Magazine

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Post tags: celebrities, celebrity weight loss, jennifer hudson, relationships

Being “thorny” has never deterred us before, though.

That being said, this was posted over at Clutch. I’m just gonna highlight a few parts of it:

Weight is an emotional and challenging subject for many women who struggle to keep (or take) extra pounds off. While a lot of us fight to get our bodies “right” in order to stave off health issues, others feel that weight is a barrier for them when it comes to finding or sustaining a relationship. And for all the stories of happy and loved heavy women, our size most certainly can be a factor when it comes to meeting Mr. Right.

[...]

They way I looked in clothes (and what I perceived to be my limited dressing options) had great baring over my disdain for my size, but my desire to meet what I believed to be a better caliber of men had far more to do with my choice. I met a lot of guys even when I was much larger, but I felt that many of the guys I would have wanted to want me back weren’t interested in a chunky girl. Now that I’m on the other side, I actually think my line of thinking had a lot to do with my lack of confidence (see above). Either way, whether it was the increased confidence or the “improved” appearance, once I lost the weight I definitely met not only more men, but more men that I wanted to date.

However, there is something awfully unhealthy about your relationship to your appearance and your body being so deeply connected to your desire to be in a romantic relationship. What happens if you make the changes and you still don’t find someone? Or, if you find love only to find the pounds piling back on (this is the current challenge I’m facing, btw; I’m winning so far, but that comfort of a relationship has made saying ‘yes’ to dessert much easier than I would have hoped)? While I’m glad that I lost weight either way, I wish that I hadn’t waited until I felt romantically frustrated to realize that I needed to take control of my body. Ironically, not only has my current boyfriend dated chunkier women and isn’t nearly as interested as I am in seeing me get that elusive small dress size that I seek. Chubby Jamilah probably could have pulled the same dude, had I been walking around with my head held high.

In the comments, you’ll find this from me:

I surely hope that no one come and chastises you for what you’ve written here, because the reality of a lot of our relationships with our bodies is that we’re simply not sure what that relationship should look like.

It’s hard to develop a healthy sense of self when we so rarely see it… and among many of our peers, it’s taboo to even talk about weight in terms of weight LOSS. Hell, I run a BLOG about weight and I don’t engage in these conversations in public unsolicited.

I think it’d be disingenuous if we didn’t admit that appearance is an element of attraction. It’s why we put on heels. It’s why we put on makeup, polish, fix our hair to our standards, dress well and make sure we aren’t ashy, lol. It’s also just a hard truth to admit that – for one horrible, unfortunate reason or another – weight is also a factor that can come into play. Because women know this – regardless of whether or not they’d admit it – it becomes a big part of our relationship with our bodies, even though it’s a lil’ unhealthy. “You’re too fat… you’re the reason why I can’t get the man I want.”

I’ve written about this on the blog before – that, after losing over 150lbs, a lot of the men who weren’t giving me that kind of time before were all up in my face – and even though a lot of women don’t like what that implies, it is still a fact. Losing weight increases the dating pool exponentially – lots of men simply don’t see you if you’re at a certain weight; and once you start being “seen,” you start getting attention.

Whether its right or wrong, we still have to work over time to make sure that we are in tune with ourselves, and that is also something else that comes along during [what I consider to be] a successful weight loss journey. You learn to be in tune with what makes you feel bad, what makes you feel unhappy, what excites you, what turns you off, what makes you uncomfortable, where your weaknesses lie, where your strengths are… and that element of intuitiveness also makes you, overall, a more attractive person. You can be aware of the realities of dating and weight loss without letting it affect your sense of self in the end.

In closing (I almost said “in short” but this ain’t short), I believe posts like this that allow every woman a little private space to reflect on her own sense of self are important. We may not like what these things imply, but since there are very few spaces where these conversations can be had among women, we should allow these things to be said. They have to be said because those of us who have healthy senses of self can help our peers get to where we are, and that’s far more important than any harm Jamilah’s words could bring.

Sorry for the hellalong comment. I’m pretty sure my readers are used to it, but this ain’t MY blog. LOLOL

Now, I was all done with it until someone sent me the link again, and I saw the following response to my comment:

While it’s great to hear success stories, I’d be interested in hearing from folks who are actually ON the journey and trying to date. Because in reality, it takes TIME to lose the weight if it’s anything over 10 pounds, so do women not date until then? How do you cope through that? And how does it help/hurt your self esteem while you’re transitioning? Or do you just remain invisible and cope with that until you’re an “acceptable” weight for being approached?

Surely, people have their thoughts about what the original author wrote, but I’m not one for shaming women for their reasons for wanting to lose weight. I don’t question a woman’s reasons for not wanting to lose weight, so I afford women who do want to lose the same courtesy. (If anything, I care far more about how you go about it than anything else.)

That being said, I’m more interested in the questions asked afterward. How do you handle dating while losing weight? I’ve already admitted that after a break-up in the early part of my journey, I became abstinent and didn’t date. I was not only vulnerable, but working through insecurities that would’ve only made dating an embarrassing experience for myself. I valued having time that was mine and mine alone because, quite frankly, I’m dope and interesting when I actually pay attention to myself and learn about me.

I mean, I can understand a desire to date – if for no other reason but the sake of company and being sociable – but I wonder if there’s a part of a woman’s journey (and I specify gender there for a reason) where, if it’s extensive enough, she’d benefit from not dating. My journey was like literally demolishing a building and rebuilding it from scratch. Would you let anyone set up their home in your building, knowing that it wasn’t completely solid, sturdy or even able to provide adequate shelter? If a house is still being actively rebuilt, I wouldn’t rest my head in it.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m not looking for people to understand why I made the decision I made. Lots of women balk at the idea of remaining abstinent during their “rebuilding” process. Lots of women have “journeys” that are nowhere as complicated or extensive as mine was, and that’s okay (shoot, as much as I had to deal with about myself, I can only hope there aren’t a billion women out there dealing with those kinds of issues.) I’m just wondering about the wide spectrum of choices looks like for women losing weight out there, because while I’m positive that there are plenty of us who’ve chosen to go either way on this one… I’m also positive that there are women out there who are unsure and may very well be needing different viewpoints to help her make her own decision.

So… I’m curious. Did/do you date? Did you decide to fall back? What compelled you to make that decision?

Big Love: Dating While Losing Weight is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

Related posts:

1. Not-So-Big Love: When Losing Weight Turns Into A Marriage Proposal
2. Losing Weight and Losing Identity
3. Did I Just Plateau? Why Am I Not Losing Weight?

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Post tags: abstinence, dating, relationships

I know that in the beginning, I was always told that old – and by old, I mean caveman-esque – line of “How can you take time away from your family for you? How could you be so selfish?”

Um, the same way I’d take time away if I had to make money. No one would complain about that, right? Because that would be better for the house, right?

The notion that I shouldn’t take time away from everything simply to make sure that I’m OK, to me, basically implies that I’m a robot – no feelings, no emotions, no needs that need tending to. It says that my purpose is being filled elsewhere – my purpose is being filled by handling everyone else’s needs – and that there’s no reason for me to do anything else.

I don’t buy that.

I spent some time looking at how I care for my daughter. As a single parent, I’m always aware of the fact that I am who my daughter depends on all day, every day. To some, that looks like justification to pour all of themselves into their child, but to me – especially as the Mother of a young girl – it’s all the more reason for me to take extra special care of myself. How can a broken woman teach a girl to be a whole woman?

I know my shortcomings. If I am emotionally worn down, my patience is limited. If I am stressed, my tolerance is low. If I am frustrated, the last thing I want to do is educate or enlighten someone (and risk becoming that much more frustrated.) She is a child – she demands my patience, my wisdom and my tolerance. If I bring my shortcomings to our doorstep, I’m denying her that which she needs to grow. By denying myself the care I need, I’m neglecting my family’s needs.

I believe in ten minutes. I’ve even learned to take several bouts of ten minutes throughout the day. In the morning, I take ten minutes to practice yoga to help me stretch and wake up in preparation for my workout. Around 8, I take ten minutes to decompress and organize what I’ll be doing for the day. Around noon, I take ten minutes and pace up and down the stairs to help me zone out and relax while getting a little exercise in. After naptime, we take a ten minute jog around the neighborhood to help the little one wake up (because I’m not tolerating grouchy toddler attitude by any means). I take ten minutes during cooking dinner to decompress and read/count/dance with my daughter.

I keep a jam-packed schedule, but I know full well that if I don’t tend to and take proper care of me, I am no good to anyone. I can’t justify taking a ten minute jog with my heathen daughter if I don’t take ten minutes in the morning to properly organize my day. I can’t enjoy dancing with or reading to her if I am so frustrated with how my day went. I can’t remember all the ways I need to care for her, if I fail to care for me. It’s literally like running your car 4,000 miles past the point where you should’ve gotten an oil change. Something’s gonna blow pretty soon.

I mean, I get it. I’m a “strong Black woman.” I can have everything, be anything, do everything and anything. Yeah, I get it. But with all that “everything,” shouldn’t that include being able to take ten minutes out to tend to myself and make sure that I’m around in optimal enough condition to “have everything, be anything, do everything and anything?” Seriously, here.

So to me, taking ten minutes is a representation of my desire to tend to myself. Not using it to sleep, but to sort out my life and how I can include all the things I need – fitness, food, love, enjoyment, achievement – in order to be a more agreeable and productive person. I use my ten minutes to show myself some love. Tell me – how do you use your ten minutes?

How I Became A Better Mom & Friend In 10 Minutes is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

Related posts:

1. Part 2: The “10 More Minutes” Challenge
2. Food Guilt and Food Shaming Are Not Your Friend

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© Erika for A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss, 2011. | Permalink | 8 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: family, mentality, relationships

And do we see goals as public property and “small talk?” As complicated as my current goals are, I certainly don’t think I can talk about them in a conversation with people who are only slightly interested in me. I don’t say that to imply that people shouldn’t ask – I don’t mind that – but I do mean that perhaps we should be careful regarding how we discuss our goals and who we share them with.

Excerpted from Setting Goals: How, Why & Who Do You Tell? | A Black Girl’s Guide To Weight Loss

The more I talk to people about their personal goals with fitness and weight loss, the more I hear them tell me about how non-supportive their friends and loved ones are in them reaching their goals. They talk about how, once their loved ones learn of their desire to eat better, they find brownies and other irresistible sweets in the house all of a sudden. Now, they see their favorite cake on the dining room table as a centerpiece. Not flowers, not fake fruit (fake fruit?)… but a cake, man. Now that their girlfriends know that they’re trying to make better choices, they’re being put under the hot lights. They’re being given the third degree. They’re being asked the hard questions and, once they can’t give “the answers,” are told “girl, just shut up and eat this food… stop ordering all these salads.”

And all the while, while people are talking about this stuff, I just keep wondering to myself, why tell anyone anything?

If you’re starting on a journey that leaves you a bit confused and, just maybe, a little self-conscious, do you really think you could handle finding out that your peers and loved ones aren’t so supportive? And once they do show themselves to be non-supportive, do you think you could handle their acts of sabotage, should they choose to follow that path? If your answer is anything other than an emphatic yes, it might as well be “no.” Let me explain.

I remember when I first decided to give up red meat and pork, which was my junior year (I think?) of high school. I told my mom that I was planning to let go of the pork chops, the ham hocks, the ribs, the steaks, the burgers… all of it. It had to go. Considering how much she mad chicken, I figured I wouldn’t miss it much anyway, right?

Y’all. Before I knew it, every night… it was some kind of pork. It was ribs. It was roast. It was pork chops. It was bacon… every morning… bacon. House reeked of bacon (hence my general disdain for it – not because it’s “unclean,” just because I’ve been traumatized! Dang!) all the time, and it was inescapable. She was tryin’ to sabotage my efforts, man! Moms can, sometimes, take our efforts to change our eating habits (the eating habits we’ve developed from them) as an insult to them  – it implies that what they taught us was wrong, and that we reject what they passed down to us.

And what about our girls? When we go kick it with them, and we head out to eat before we go out for real… what happens when they notice that we’ve chosen something grilled instead of something fried (and usually in soybean oil… yuck?) Do we go in on how disgusting fried food is (by the way, it doesn’t have to be) and how you’re making healthier choices and losing weight by not eating it… thereby making them feel like garbage as the waiter drops their burger and fries in their laps? Do we tout our moral superiority for choosing the “better” option in the midst of temptation, thereby guilting your friends for not showing the same restraint as you?

If you ask me, I say no.

Now, I’ve written about this before – the fact that the people we spend the most time with can wind up feeling judged in a roundabout way by the decisions we make. And, let’s face it – we can’t always help that. Sometimes, that has more to do with insecurity than anything else:

I mean, think about it – when we hear a woman talk about how she doesn’t want “big thighs,” how many of us have looked at our own thighs and asked ourselves “What, is something wrong with big thighs? Do I have big thighs? She doesn’t like my thighs?” and it causes us to feel some kind of way about ourselves and the decisions we’ve made for ourselves. [source]

But how much do we contribute to this? Do we ruin perfectly good outings by explaining to our friends how “those cupcakes are why they can’t get rid of their gut?” Do we, out of eagerness to share what we know, piss off the people who love us the most by trying to invoke their “come-to-fitness” moment before they’re ready? You might think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not – I’ve heard the stories, and I’ve witnessed it myself.

I’m a proponent of the art of silence. Like, the way my shoulders shrug off questions? You’d think I was a politician. I don’t want my outings with friends and family to turn into conversations about my eating habits, where I might be mocked and weakened and feel compelled to make decisions I’d rather not, just to conform and make everyone else [except me] comfortable.

“Aww Erika, you don’t really even go out to restaurants anymore… why not get a burger or something?”

[insert slow shoulder shrug]

“Dang Erika, you’ve got to try those cookies Danielle brought in to work… why aren’t you getting any?”

[insert slow shoulder shrug]

“But Erika, you’ve eaten this way your whole life and you’re still alive! What makes you think the problem is the food, and not just you?”

[insert shoulder shrug] [waits a few moments] “Oh, did I show you my pedicure? It’s my favorite shade of pink, too…”

All three are things I’ve heard over the course of my journey. All three have answers that could easily add another 1,000+ words to this blog post to answer each question but really, my little shoulder shrug works wonderfully. Now, I’ve advocated for straight up lying to answer these questions but really… you’ve got to use that to progress onward to the point where you simply don’t answer these questions. It’s pretty hard to find a point of contention in your reasoning… when the only reason you give is a physical version of “I don’t know.”

It’s all about self-care. Know your abilities. Are you able to handle the questioning? If so, then proceed with caution. If not, then know that. It’s a part of your new lifestyle – venturing off into unique territory and knowing you have a whole new set of strengths and weaknesses to assess.

The reality is, the more attention you draw to your lifestyle changes, the more people you’re inviting in to tell you how wrong you are and how you should be following the advice they’ve read in Marie Claire this week… and if you’re on the path to building the confidence you need to keep going, you really don’t need the additional battles of defending your choices at every turn. You don’t need the extra task of sifting out the friends from the frenemies. Your focus simply needs to be on making the “new” into the “normal.” If someone asked you why you always take off your favorite pumps and put them back in the box once you got home – a habit you’d developed from Mom – you’d answer “I don’t know.. it’s what I’ve always done.” and go on to another topic. Start thinking about this with the same approach.

The goal, in the end, is to make your new lifestyle something that isn’t “new” and “novel” anymore. It isn’t a “sideshow” worthy of pointing, staring and dissecting. It’s just you. And while you may be total star material… this is not a reality show, you aren’t in OK! Magazine and your every move – namely, your choice in salad dressings – really doesn’t need this much attention. Just shrug your shoulders… it counts as an upper body work out if you do it enough, anyway.

The Art Of Silence is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

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© Erika for A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss, 2011. | Permalink | 19 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: friendships, goals, relationships, sabotage

I mean, let’s be real, here. Few issues are as thorny, on this blog, as ones involving dating and relationships. Let’s just say that y’all are very protective of your dating prospects and the ability to pursue them. I ain’t mad at it… I am confused by it.

I wrote the following:

How do you handle dating while losing weight? I’ve already admitted that after a break-up in the early part of my journey, I became abstinent and didn’t date. I was not only vulnerable, but working through insecurities that would’ve only made dating an embarrassing experience for myself. I valued having time that was mine and mine alone because, quite frankly, I’m dope and interesting when I actually pay attention to myself and learn about me.I mean, I can understand a desire to date – if for no other reason but the sake of company and being sociable – but I wonder if there’s a part of a woman’s journey (and I specify gender there for a reason) where, if it’s extensive enough, she’d benefit from not dating. My journey was like literally demolishing a building and rebuilding it from scratch. Would you let anyone set up their home in your building, knowing that it wasn’t completely solid, sturdy or even able to provide adequate shelter? If a house is still being actively rebuilt, I wouldn’t rest my head in it.

Excerpted from Big Love: Dating While Losing Weight | A Black Girl’s Guide To Weight Loss

People kept assuming that by referring to “rebuilding,” I was referring to their bodies… but I wasn’t. I was referring to their minds. I was referring to the reality that in order to live a more fit lifestyle, you have to demolish everything that gets in the way of developing that in order to do what you have to do. And really, no shade, but I’m generally of the mind frame that most people need to take some time off to reassess themselves and what they want before they go out and date. Most people need to know what it feels like to put themselves first and treat themselves right before they dive head first into treating someone else “right.” Most people need to know what it means to love themselves before they commit to loving someone else.

When I write, I write with myself in mind. Everything I’ve ever written on this blog, I’ve written for myself. Writing in my moment of clarity gives me something to look back to and read when I may be struggling. I write a lot about compassion, because I find myself involved in an environment where there isn’t much compassion, and my writing serves as a reminder. I wrote a lot about getting over sabotage because I found myself encountering people who didn’t have my goals and best interests at heart. I write a lot about body image and learning to love myself because I struggled with the idea that I could simultaneously love myself while wanting to change myself.

That last sentence is important. I learned that a huge component of loving myself is accepting that I am not perfect, I am worthy of love even in spite of this nonperfection, and that I’m even worthy of love during this process of change because I’ll always be changing. I stopped chasing perfection, and instead decided to strive for excellence. At least with excellence, there’s an implied understanding that the goal isn’t “working so that I never have to work anymore.” There’s not some finite point that I should feel guilty about not reaching. The goal post is always moving when one strives for excellence, as you are constantly learning what’s possible as you progress forward.

Why am I saying all this? Because these are the things that I addressed that made me a different person. Addressing these things changed how I approach life. How I approach relationships. And while I understand that for the woman who only wants to lose 20-30lbs, the issue may be far more topical like food changes, a godawful soda habit, or learning to cook a little more… for the woman who’s in a strange place, like I was, who needed to lose upwards of 75lbs altogether? You might have a challenge that is as much emotional as it is physical.

For me, I dated during my weight loss journey. I dated a couple of men – some who’s intentions were more noble than others – but there were lots of time between them, because there were specific parts of my journey that all out demanded time for self-reflection. I advocate for that approach because as I reached new hurdles, I needed to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to jump over them… and that’s not something that can be done with everyone. However… there was one man who not only supported my self-reflection as a friend, but encouraged it. When I admitted my experiences with sexual assault and binge eating… when I snotted up his shirt sobbing about things that I was thinking and feeling… he was there, wanting to be trusted, wanting to be caring and wanting to help me grow. He saw how I was learning to love myself, and he contributed to that love by adding some of his own. He was just… always there, and always enjoying it. He wanted to be there.

And then, when he came to my house a week or so ago… when he knocked on the door… when I opened it, holding back two huskies who obviously smelled him on the other side of the door and were excited to see him… he was there. On one knee. With The Ring in his hand.

So, yeah. I’m currently engaged. Squeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

Back to seriousness, though.

Suffice it to say, I think that there’s a genuine connection between where my head and heart were, how I treated the relationships I was in and how I understood care and love. And once I changed how I approached those, it became easier for me to find what I was looking for… or, rather, for it to find me.

It is not my intention to talk about this as if it is “the ultimate fairy tale.” It is my intention to talk about this wonderful addition to my life that I wouldn’t have been able to experience without reassessing my headspace. I know myself. The old Erika would’ve made a man like my current fiancé take off running in the opposite direction. I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate him for who he is if I were the old me.

I bring this up in conjunction with the Big Love post because so many women claimed that it was unnecessary to “assess their headspace” during their journey because that wasn’t a legitimate reason to not date. If anything, it made it easier for me. It made dating easier, for starters, because some men simply weren’t on my level. It made it more enjoyable, because I was more able to speak up for myself, felt less desperate and felt more capable. I didn’t have to struggle so much with being a people pleaser, and believing my desire to be a people pleaser would be the most important thing (or the only thing, for that matter) to make a man stay with me.

This won’t be the situation for every woman who embarks upon a weight loss journey, but this is how it was for me. And though every woman isn’t on a weight loss journey, I think that it should be a goal for everyone to be, at least, emotionally solvent… to be able to give as much as they get. My journey not only granted me that peace… it’s brought lots of joys along the way, one of those being the man I’m going to marry. If all it takes to bring a little light into your life, is to reassess oneself emotionally… there’s absolutely nothing to lose, and a lot [of love] to gain. The changes I’ve embraced along the way have changed my life for the better, now, in more ways than one. And I couldn’t be happier.

Squeeeeeee!!!!!

Not-So-Big Love: When Losing Weight Turns Into A Marriage Proposal is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

Related posts:

1. Big Love: Dating While Losing Weight
2. Losing Weight and Losing Identity
3. How Losing Weight Made Me A Feminist

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© Erika for A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss, 2011. | Permalink | 75 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: dating, relationships

Q: Now that I’m more active, I notice that my partner is… well… not. In fact, it seems like the more active I become, the less active he tries to be. He fakes like he wants to do stuff with me, but then complains about it the entire time. IT DRIVES ME NUTS! How do I deal with this without killing him?

A: I think, first and foremost, you have to ask yourself a hard question: is this a serious enough issue that you’re willing to leave your mate over it? If the answer is yes, then just simplify everything and be out. If the answer is no, then recognize that your partner deserves your compassion and understanding, and this should be in the forefront of your mind when dealing with him regarding this issue. You want to get your point and your needs across, but you want to be sensitive to his feelings, too. He does have them, regardless of how he acts, and if you truly want things to work out you’ll remember that hurting their feelings today will result in lots of problems down the road.

Honestly, talks like this have to happen, because the way things are currently is resulting in you feeling some kind of resentment. No matter how petty [you or he may feel] it is, you should feel comfy with sharing your thoughts and feelings, so long as you remember the other side does have feelings, too.

The next time you decide to engage in an activity together and he starts complaining, ask him, “What’s wrong? Do you not want to do this? You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, [insert pet name].” If you get push back on it, say “No, really… I can tell you’re unhappy, and I don’t want you putting yourself through this if you don’t want to, so really… just go back home, relax, and I’ll be back soon, okay?” and if you get more push back, tell ‘em “Alright, now… but if you’re going to stick around, you’ve got to chill with the complaining. None of us truly “loves” putting ourselves through this, but we just suck it up, y’know?”

I feel like people who do things and complain about them the entire time are doing it because they’re not comfortable. They may be uncomfy because they don’t know enough to feel comfy, they may only be doing it because they feel some sort of obligation to do things you obviously enjoy, they may be doing it because they feel like they have to go with you in order to let “the competition” know you’ve already got a significant other in your life… or they may be there begrudgingly because they fear that if they don’t work out, they’ll lose you.

Considering these four reasons, we can take them one by one. If they fear they’ll lose you if they don’t try to work out too, it’s in your best interest to tell your mate that they have nothing to worry about. You’ve already decided, by this point, that you want to maintain your relationship, and it isn’t healthy to have one partner be constantly afraid of losing you for no reason. If you can quelch their concerns, then you should. If you can’t, then that is a-whole-nother issue in and of itself.

If your partner simply believes that they have to let others know that you have a significant other, then you can tell them – often, if necessary – that they have nothing to worry about. On top of boosting their ego a little bit – and who couldn’t use a little ego boost every now and again? – you’ll reassure them to the point where this becomes a non-issue. If it doesn’t become a non-issue, again, that’s a-whole-nother issue in and of itself.

If your partner feels obligated to like the things you like, let ‘em know: “Listen, you can try anything I do, but if you don’t like it, you don’t like it… and that’s okay! Trust me – I don’t like your [insert really annoying thing they do] and I love the fact that you don’t make me struggle through it… so I don’t want you to feel like you have to struggle through this.” Two people don’t have to be eternally adjoined at the hip just because they’re in a relationship with one another and it is, in fact, healthy to have interests that don’t involve one another. If you get the “but this is something that I really wanna like!” response… I’d simply come back with “Then you have got to relax with the complaining… I know it’s hard and the learning curve is steep… but that complaining is making it hard to help you out..”

The last one, to me, is the easiest. If your partner’s complaining simply because they don’t really know what’s going on or how to use anything, tell them – “Look, if you want, I can show you the ropes… all you’ve got to do is ask me.” For your partner to admit they don’t know something is a pretty vulnerable place to put themselves in front of you, so you’ve got to be gentle with it. Don’t lord over them and assume they know nothing about exercise. Leave them alone in the gym or on the field, and whenever they’ve got a question, answer that question as thoroughly as possible. Let them know that you can be their resource and that it doesn’t bother you to give them the tools and tips they need today, because tomorrow, it’ll be different questions… or – even better – less questions. It’s an investment – you might have to deal with being A Human Google for now, but eventually they’ll be knowledgeable enough to hold their own during your workouts… and both of you will be more fit for it.

It’s all in how you handle it. You just have to approach the situation calmly, and ready to get down to the bottom of the issue. Let your mate pour their heart out, let them explain and diagnose it accordingly. Being “the fit one” in the relationship has its responsibilities, and one of those responsibilities is acknowledging that while you may have already had your “come to fitness” moment, your partner may not’ve… and you can’t force that on them. All you can do is strive to be the change you wish to see in your mate, and wait patiently. Before you know it, your partner will either slowly come around or learn to give you your space free of their negativity. Just remember that their feelings shouldn’t be ignored, and you shouldn’t try to force anything on them that they don’t want. If you’ve decided to say, you’ve decided that your partner is worth the emotional investment and respect for their feelings. As long as you remember that, very little can go wrong here.

Q&A Wednesday: He Won’t Stop Complaining When We Work Out! is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

Related posts:

1. Q&A Wednesday: I Work In Fast Food And Want To Lose Weight! Help!
2. Q&A Wednesday: How Do I Stop Holding Myself Back?
3. Work It Out In The Morning, Or At Night?

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© Erika for A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss, 2011. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: compassion, exercising, relationships, working out

My weight loss goals however are a different story! He has terrible eating habits and he is defensive about them. Since we live, cook and grocery shop together, his habits truely affect me. His junk food is always available to me.

Outside of two dinner meals he cooks weekly, he eats take out, fast food, with a ton of soda every day.  I am continuing to gain weight and am the only one who sees our shared eating habits as an issue.

Is there a previous post you have written about live-in partners or spouses who contribute to weight gain?

I’ve come close, but not all the way here.

It’s hard for me to really talk about relationships because, as I’ve admitted already, I’m currently abstinent, dating for fun and have been this way for a while, now. I feel like if I give answers that people don’t like, the response is gonna be “Well, she just wants everyone to be all sexless like her… don’t listen to her! She has no man!”

So… just be forewarned. I already know it’s coming. I really don’t care, though.

I think that, sometimes, we expect people to be as excited about us reaching our goals as we are. We really expect people to dive in head first toward us getting exactly where we want to be. We also expect them to change their lives to accommodate us. Just because we’ve had our individual “come-to-fitness” moments, we expect others to immediately follow suit. Doesn’t happen like that.

If they don’t share your same value system – the value system that allows you to make your health a priority – then no, that’s not going to happen. It’s one thing to support someone along their journey. It’s another thing entirely to change something extremely intimate – like your eating habits – to accommodate something you don’t even believe in.

Men aren’t compelled to “OMG LOSE WEIGHT” the way that women are. A lot of  ‘em are really ambivalent about it. If anything, society tells men to bulk up. I mean sure, they know who to talk to about that – a bodybuilder-looking-type dude – but they’ll ask me about slimming down. The two are completely different issues… and “slimming down” feels a little more like “girl talk.” That being said… they’re often kind of sheepish about admitting they need to lose. It’s just a product of our society.

A lot of us have significant others who are, quite frankly, just comfortable with how they are. There’s a double standard that allows for men to be overweight with impunity. Women, though? We dominate the fitness commercials. There are no “Shape-Ups” for men. There are no “shake weights” for men. (I know, I know. Sorry.) It’d be nice if we, as women, could experience that same level of satisfaction but then again, that kind of ambivalence is why your significant other thinks that his weight (and really crazy habits) are acceptable. I mean, they aren’t.. but since it’s “okay” for men to be “bigger,” I can see why he doesn’t feel compelled to change.

I also don’t think it’s fair to believe that just because you think he needs to lose weight, that he should just automatically change and accept whatever you’re telling him. If you were okay with where you are, and your significant other came at you trying to change you… how would you feel?

Now.. on to the realities of where he may stand. Does he have access to the same information that compelled you to lose weight? Does he know that it’s not all about eating rice cakes and tofu and bland food? Does he know that it’s not all about “no cookies?” Does he know that he doesn’t have to spend the rest of his life in the gym to experience results? A lot of people separate themselves from the possibility of living healthier, more fit lives because they think it requires so much work. They believe the crap that the fitness commercials tell them: “Crunches are hard.. buy our mid-air-swingy-contraption and get a six pack today!” No one wants to spend the money on the contraption, but now everyone believes crunches are hard.

It’s obvious that you both love one another, and maybe his perception of what “healthy” and “fit” entails is what’s getting in the way of him embracing it with you (especially since he’s been so willing to sacrifice for you in the past.) That being said, I will say this for the record – this kind of stuff, for me, is a deal breaker. You want to continue to purchase junk food? I’m going to throw it in the trash. Wild, ain’t it? I make no apologies for it, either. Not in my house, absolutely not. If I tell you that I need certain things out of the house, and you can’t oblige me? We cannot live in the same space. Plain and simple. There is no way around it. As hard as it was for me to reclaim my health, to let that be affected for the worst by an outside force? Unacceptable. (You’d think that this might affect my “options” of men, but as I’ve stated before… not only do I meet more men, but the men I meet are either open to changing – and look forward to it – or are already very fit.)

There’s a quote that I live for – “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I live by it – as evidenced by this site – because you serve as living proof of the benefit of the knowledge you have. If you know how to live healthier, then be a living embodiment of that. Go for regular walks, and come back feeling invigorated. Spend some time relieving your stress by giving yourself ten minutes to stretch in the mornings, and come out feeling limber and happy. Let him watch you do your crunches – or whatever – and keep doing them regardless of how he frowns his face up at seeing you in action. Let him see you enjoying food that is absolutely delicious yet still clean and healthy. He will eventually see your dedication – which is what really matters, here – and your results – which maters even more, strangely enough – and he will feel compelled to talk to you about your changes… and how he can get on board.

Can you cook, even though he’s getting take-out? Really, are you able to cook before he orders takeout? Pick a few of the “sweeter” recipes from the recipe section of the site, prepare them the night before, and tell him that you want to try something different tomorrow. The recipe will still give him that “sweet” [that I suspect he might be addicted to] but will still be healthier than what he’s getting. Go for regular walks, and after your third day of consistent walking, invite him to join you. If he says no, leave him alone for a few days, then ask again. Tell him “I know you said you didn’t want to come before because it was so cold, buuuuuuuut it’s sooooo much fun. I promise I won’t hit you with a snowball if you come!” and see what he says. Don’t badger him about it, but every few days? Invite him. If you don’t stick to it, you certainly can’t convince him to stick to it. You’re kind of asking to carry him on your back because you know you both need to climb up this hill… and it’s literally as hard as the visual makes it seem – you are throwing him on your back and carrying him up a big hill. Be ready for that. You obviously love one another – I suspect that it’s worth it, to you.

What I’ve learned is that you can show a person – way better than you can ever tell them – how simple achieving fitness can be, how within reach it is and how the sacrifice has its trade offs in the long run. If you can do that,

Q&A Wednesday: Sabotage From A Significant Other? is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

Related posts:

1. 5 Ways to Identify and Reject Sabotage
2. Q&A Wednesday: How Do I Say No?
3. Q&A Wednesday: I Used To Be Fat?

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© Erika for A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss, 2011. | Permalink | 16 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: come to fitness moment, relationships, significant others

Food fight? I don't think so!

A: Y’all don’t play on these questions, do you? Jeez.

The mister and I are, in fact, sharing a household now and while I compromise, it’s not as much as you might think.

I kind of started off by swindling him – whenever I cooked for him, I cooked some of my very best dishes. I’m talking grilled wings, chicken biryani, roasted tomato pizza… everything. I did all the cooking in the beginning, and he really enjoyed it. I cook every night anyway, so it didn’t make a difference to me that I’d have to add another plate to the table.

After a while, we started to talk more about part of what I do for a living, which is this blog. We talked about what life was like for me at above 300lbs, we talked about what my pregnancy was like (which is where I most clearly remember my binging habits) and we talked about what my “recovery” was like. We talked about what I keep in the house now, what I use to “snack” (well, when I used to snack) on, and what my indulgences look like. We talked about my food addiction, what I think “success” looks like in overcoming it and how far along I thought I was. We talked about my relationship with food, and whether or not this meant I lived on rice cakes and other cardboard-esque “delights.”

Surprisingly (or not), he was extremely supportive and understanding. He actually appeared intrigued by the fact that all the good food I’d been cooking for him meant he was eating healthily. In fact, I told him – in advance – that my fried chicken recipe just might make him put a ring on it, and that I only would make it for him twice a year because it’d wind up having him give me all his money… and I can’t have him running around broke. That… was win #1.

Don’t get me wrong – there were a few hiccups in the road, namely in regards to sweets. I don’t keep baked sweets in the house. For one, they’re usually far too sweet with no flavor… so they’re usually pretty disgusting. For two, the ingredients list looks atrocious. I’d rather not be “tricked” into liking something. So, I told him straight up – when he wanted cookies, he could either buy them and eat them that day, outside of the house… or I could bake them myself. At bare minimum, I always have the ingredients to make icebox cookies in the house, and if he wanted something more he’d have to buy it. And before he had the opportunity to complain, I reminded him – if my dinners are great, my baked goods are phenomenal. He obliged.

I don’t keep ice cream in the house, either. He balked at that, too. However, I told him it wasn’t because ice cream is som terrible thing.. it’s just because I live around the corner from the holy grail of frozen delicacies and some fancy pants ice cream couldn’t really compare to it anymore. I took him there and, well, that was that. When you show people what the best looks like, it’s not that difficult to convince them that their “favorite” is, in fact, no comparison.

We talked about cleaning up some of his favorite dishes, we talked about some of his cultural delicacies and some of what I grew up on. We talked about everything. I’m a pretty laid back person, and I’m really go-with-the-flow… except for this. And smoking. That’s a biggie, too, but he’s equally bothered by that one so no worries, there.

We talked… a lot. For us – for any relationship, really – I think talking is important. One of the things I learned the hard way is that not talking is pretty dangerous. To be a bit corny and cliche, but if you’re not talking, it means someone isn’t being heard. If you’re worried, if you’re afraid, if you’re scared… my partner is the one I go to help me figure out how to assuage those feelings. That means that, sometimes, I’m oversensitive and other times I’m terribly nonchalant. As long as I’m not being one more than I am the other, I’m tolerable.

That being said, I think it’s different for my situation (introducing someone new to my house and how we do things here) than the one presented in the question (trying to change how we do things for someone who already lives there.) It’s also interesting that, while he may not be able to gain any weight, there’s no general concern for any of the other issues that come from just generally eating bad, poor quality food. Being thin isn’t a shield that protects you from these kinds of things.

In my mind, if you have two people who have to live together and are on separate ends of the spectrum on an issue, both parties have to move to the center. You want him to eat cleaner? Cook good food – dishes he enjoys. He refuses to kick a sweets habit? Bake the sweets for him, and keep them wrapped. I used to bake chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, wrap them in little candy bags with a ribbon and put them in my mister’s laptop bag. He didn’t feel deprived, and actually felt like he was “cheating.”

So.. if I were you, what would I do? I’d cook. Every day. For about a week. I’d bake a batch of cookies, wrap them up with a bow and leave them for him as he’s returning home. After 7 days of successful dishes goes by, I’d sit him down and talk to him. Tell him that you admire his fitness, and that you want to work towards your own. Tell him that every meal you’ve cooked for him has been a “healthy” one that’ll help you both stay healthy while also helping you lose the weight that’s been bugging you. Tell him you look forward to being eye candy on his arm, and you look forward to being and feeling healthier for you. Tell him that you’re afraid for your health, that you worry about your ability to prevent yourself from gaining any more weight and that, because you need to make changes, you worry about his ability to compromise for the both of you. Tell him you’ve been doing a ton of reading about food, how to cook, how to eat healthier and how to eat in a way that both tastes deliciously as well as makes sure you don’t get the high blood pressures, diabetes and everything you see around you. It’s important to be straight up about it – don’t be passive aggressive – and it’s also important to stick to your guns. While people insist upon harping on and on about will power, I will remind you that if you are someone who has never had much success in using will power… it is an uphill climb to actually develop it. If he brings that up, tell him that. It’s important that he think about that, too.

I find that people love to dig in their heels when it comes down to changing parts of their lives in order to accommodate someone else… but I’m also learning that a big part of long term relationships is, in fact, compromising so that your partner can thrive and be a better person. Seeing how someone approaches compromise can tell you a lot about their ability to handle long-haul situations, I think, so I guess I’d also be mindful of that as well. It wouldn’t be the straw that broke the camel’s back, but it’d definitely be a strike.

And, just to be sure, I asked my mister your question… and his answer? “I think if she has certain things that she feels she absolutely can’t have in the house without eating, she needs to let him know that. She needs to say ‘fine, I can understand if you don’t want to do this with me, I’d appreciate it if you did but if not, okay…but there are a few things that I feel like I really can’t have in the house’ and list them for him. I feel like, really, that should be enough. If the person cares about you, they should want to help you reach your goals.”

All that is to say, notice how much talking went on between my partner and I, and notice how much talking I suggested for your partner and you. You really can’t get very far without it, so spend a week playing in the kitchen and cooking your best, and figuring out the best way to convince him to take the plunge. Both you and your partner’s bodies will be thankful for it in the long run!

Q&A Wednesday: How Do You Co-Habitate With Clean Eating? is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

Related posts:

1. Q&A Wednesday: Is Clean Eating An Eating Disorder?
2. Q&A Wednesday: What IS Clean Eating, Anyway?
3. Q&A Wednesday Clean Eating Style

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© Erika for A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss, 2011. | Permalink | 9 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: clean eating, relationships

Mike and Molly, the TV show that compelled a Marie Claire author to declare that fatties should "get a room."

A lonnnnnnnnnng time ago, I received a lovely comment from a reader (I wonder if she’s still lurking) who brought up something I’d like to address:

I’ve been reading your site for a few weeks now, so glad I found it because just from lurking I’ve learned so much. Your blog is super inspirational because you’ve lost the weight, but unlike so many other blogs, you haven’t started hating overweight people or shaming others who haven’t lost the weight. I read some other blogs, where the writers have lost their weight, and all of sudden they hate overweight people.

I’m not gonna act like I don’t understand that. I do. Don’t get me wrong, though – understanding something is very different from accepting it as “right.”

To be honest, I don’t really follow other “weight loss blogs” because, realistically, I just don’t want to be inundated with “lose weight, get thin!, change your life” and “food will never taste as good as thin feels!” mantras all day. I just want to live my life and get my Serena Williams booty — er, I mean, Michelle Obama arms in peace. I don’t like the idea of prizing thinness over being fit, and I don’t like the tacit demonization of fat, either… ’cause even if it’s 4% or 40%, you’re gonna have a little.

Anyhow, there is a market to which that kind of message caters, though – there are tons of people who are overweight who feel as though they deserve to be shamed for not having lost the weight, and also believe that the shame will compel them to do what they need to do. I can’t comment on whether it has or will work for them. I only know I don’t respond to that, and do better to not have it around me.

I’m always checking myself for this, because while I have to discuss things in realistic terms – being overweight impacted my ability to run, my weight affects my ability to excel at certain sports – that doesn’t remove my responsibility to be compassionate. Not my responsibility to my readership to be compassionate, but my responsibility to myself, because that comes first to me. When I blog, I’m writing to myself. I write the words that I know I need to hear, and I know that I don’t respond to an attitude that has to put someone else down to make my choice appear to be the better choice. I also don’t respond to the desperation that alot of people write when when it comes to losing weight. I mean, if you’re “desperate,” that’s you, but I won’t contribute to or participate in that.

I do think this is an important issue, though, because lots of people who lose weight actually need to, in fact, demonize “fatness” and “fat people.” They need to see “fat” as the enemy in order to press on away from it. I just can’t do that. For me, “fat” isn’t the enemy. “Weakness” is the enemy. Not being able to run across the city if I forget to secure a ride home is the enemy. Not being able to survive the zombie invasion is the enemy. Not being able to flip upside down on the pole is the enemy. Not looking the way I want is the enemy. Striving toward those things will give me the body I want without hating people – people who, invariably, look the same way I did, were probably as stressed out and emotionally broken as I was, are battling the same demons I faced (and still face), and simply want to live without judgment and “fat-shaming,” which is simply just chastising people and unnecessarily criticizing people for being fat.

There’s also this thing… the idea that leaving the ranks of the “oppressed” to join the ranks of the “oppressors.” Leaving behind “The Fat Team” to join “The Fit Team,” a lot of these folks simply enjoy being able to have the “power” of finally being able to do the clowning instead of remembering how it felt to be the butt of the joke and stopping it in its tracks. There’s pleasure, for some, in being able to be the bully instead of showing compassion… and that’s what it takes for them. For some people, they just enjoy the chance to “finally be the bully.” I do believe, for these people who demonize fat and enjoy being able to be the bully, it’s simply a matter of prioritizing “being skinny” too highly. It’s mildly creepy to me.

I’d also be lying if I didn’t admit that the idea of “demonizing fat people” smacks of anorexic behavior. Not even trying to be sensational, but it reminds me of the girl from Marie Claire a while back who wrote the blog post about “fatties” needing to get a room, because just the mere sight of them being out in public was enough to have her reaching for a barf bag (no pun intended.) The author of the post later admitted that she was an anorexic in recovery, and that this might’ve fueled her rant.

Ya think?

It has always been my personal belief that those of us who are on a quest to develop and maintain actual functional fitness – trying to achieve success or proficiency in a sport or competition – know that this is hard work. Losing a gang of weight? Hard work. Building muscle? Hard work. Committing yourself? Hard freaking work. Getting over yourself? Virtually impossible. It’s not something you mock someone or shame someone for because they haven’t achieved it yet… because you know how hard and long you fought to get there. You never perfect that art, because something will always test it. You’ll always feel challenged. And you know that.

It’s something we all should be mindful of, because at least in one form or another, we should understand. The problem is prevalent enough where either we’ve been there ourselves, or we know someone who has. They, just like we, deserve compassion and not shame. If you take anything away from my blog, please take that.

Losing Weight Makes You Hate “Fat People?” is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

Related posts:

1. Losing Weight and Losing Identity
2. “Weight Loss Is For People With Low Self-Esteem”
3. Did I Just Plateau? Why Am I Not Losing Weight?

The FULL list of meal plans is currently available. Check it out and get your copy today!

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© Erika for A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss, 2011. | Permalink | 19 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: fat shaming, relationships

That being said… I can recall my weight coming up only once in my few years of dating. I can remember saying “Maybe it’s time I start trying to lose a few pounds,” and being told “Aw, you don’t need to lose weight… you’re beautiful just the way you are.”

Pause.

There are, maybe, three different elements to this that need to be addressed in detail.

1) I’m convinced that people say things like this just because they think it’s appropriate to make a kind remark in response to someone making themselves vulnerable. Let’s face it – openly saying, to another person, that it’s time you lose weight (especially if you have a lot to lose) is the equivalent of you admitting it’s time you do something about the big zit on your nose. Sure, you may have learned to live with it, but society sees it and probably judges you (albeit unfairly) for it. Admitting that you want to change something about yourself leaves you vulnerable. It’s admitting that you’d prefer something about yourself be different. The kind response would appear to be something similar to “Aw, it’s not so bad.” I don’t think there’s anything malicious to that – your circle of friends would probably say the same thing. Mine did, but they also supported me all the way, too.

However… the problem with this, to me, is where we respond with “You’re right – I don’t need to lose weight… so I won’t.” Why? You got up the nerve to admit to yourself that it was time to start making some changes, you left yourself vulnerable and open to the idea… then it became too tough, too scary, too nerve-wracking, too frightening. You didn’t want to become one of those people. (I don’t know who “those people” are, but I know “they” exist.) The thought of everything you have to do in order to start losing weight is overwhelming. It’s even kind of an ego blow. Having someone you trust tell you that you don’t need to “go through all that to be beautiful, because you’re beautiful just the way you are” is comforting… but it also allows us to retreat back into our shells if we let it.

2) If I have type 2 diabetes, you know this, and I say it’s time I start trying to lose weight… it’s inappropriate for you to tell me I don’t need to lose weight “because I’m beautiful.” If I want to lose weight because I’m facing health complications, telling me I’m beautiful doesn’t reverse the effects of my diabetes. Being beautiful doesn’t do anything for my heart condition. Being beautiful won’t allow me to take off running to save myself in a zombie invasio– um, let’s just say that being beautiful doesn’t help me run faster. I know I’m beautiful. I’m beautiful at 300lbs, I’ll be beautiful while I’m losing and I’ll be beautiful when I’m done losing.

It’s kind of interesting, though – we always say “beauty is on the inside” and “inner beauty” but we let a line like “you’re beautiful just the way you are” stop us from changing our outside appearance… if we truly believed beauty was an inside trait, we’d know that doing something that’d change our outside appearance wouldn’t affect our inner beauty. I’m the same kind of “beautiful” I was at over 300lbs. That’s no different, to me. So either it’s just a line we feed ourselves to make ourselves feel better, or we truly believe it. We need to make up our minds.

3) There’s also an element of this that speaks to the insecurity of the mate. Yes, I do believe this has to be said, too. If this sentiment is shared repeatedly, with someone beating you over the head with this “you don’t need to lose weight… I like my women with x, y & z” kind of of thing… that’s a problem. Think about how dating works. We like to have arm candy on our arm. We like to walk around with someone we’re proud to have on our arm. For men, its usually that they want their girl to look better than every other girl in the room. For women, we usually like him to be well off, well dressed, well known… some kind of stock.

Now… don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that it absolutely IS better to look like a Victoria’s Secret model. What I am saying is that in this society… we know that the closer one is to that kind of figure, the more they are prized. Why would a significant other intentionally prevent you from doing something they know would garner you more compliments? Why would they try to dissuade you from doing something that you believe would make you better? Why consistently sabotage you? Why try to convince you to stay where you are, if you’ve already admitted (if not to him, at least to yourself) that you’re unhappy where you are?

I’ll just flat out say it. It’s because if you become more prized, they fear having to put forth the effort required to keep you around.

There’s a catch to weight loss, and I can admit this full stop. The more weight you lose, the larger the dating pool grows. It’s strange, because even men whom I’d been around for years were treating me differently. Speaking to me differently. People I’d joked with for years were all of a sudden hugging me closer, touching me differently. Men of different races were approaching me (which means the dating pool grows exponentially.. that is, if that’s your thing.) It’s somewhat bizarre and unfortunate – the fact that there are lots of people out there who simply will not date women beyond a certain weight – but that doesn’t change the fact that it is a very real reality… one that many of our current significant others do not want to face. They’d rather not compete with others for your affection. They’d rather not put forth the effort that would be required to regularly, repeatedly and consistently show you that you belong with them.

I’d never say that people choose overweight mates because they’re “easier”… but I do think that people get comfortable with their mates, and don’t like having to work harder than they’re used to in order to keep them.

I asked #teambgg2wl on FB about this issue, and I got some insightful answers:

Okay if you prefer curves then fine, but remember that it’s my body. If i’m trying to get fit, then that’s my thing. I don’t think they are trying to sabotage you on purpose, but they are thinking only about themselves. A woman I know she goes up and down with her weight. She said simply. “Michelle when a person says, don’t loose to much weight, because you aren’t that big” She said what if they said you aren’t that ugly. or you aren’t that stupid. She left it at that…she didn’t have to explain it.

She also let me know that tons of people will tell me, you won’t look right skinny, or whatever. At the end of the day, who are they? Why do they care? – Farrah

I think some men say that to make you feel good about yourself because they think you feel bad about yourself even if you dont. My husband use to say that to me till we fought, then I was all kinds of fat b****s. The man Im with now see’s a slim girl and be like “she has no meat.” and to me, sometimes, she is a bad chick. I just laugh. I love me regardless if I need to lose weight. – Sonya

Reply to hubby: “thanks babe, I love that unconditional love for me no matter my size, but I’ve got to dig me too, and I’m digging healthier and fit.” Since the hubby is (should be) a keeper, no ultimatums in the response to him, just a gentle reminder of mutual committed love.

Reply to boyfriend: “thanks for appreciating me where I am – I like that…stick around and let’s see if you can appreciate where I’m going cuz that’s onto a fitter and healthier me…you’re welcome to hang around for the ride.” Boyfriends are disposable (don’t believe the hype). A lack of respect for your desires today equals the same tomorrow. Everyone is entitled to their preferences and if the new you isn’t his preference, I think it’s best to keep it moving.

Do you ladies and enjoy it while you’re doing it! – Leslie

My ex – husband told one of our friends “I have to keep her fat so she won’t leave me”. The results of that relationship speak for themselves. By contrast, the man I have now loves me as I am, is affectionate, tells me I’m beautiful, cooks vegetarian meals for us, and goes to the gym with me. He loves me enough to do good by me and my health. – Evelyn

If a man said that to me, husband or boyfriend, I would worry. If Im not happy at a certain weight and I feel the need to lose the pounds, then my partner should be SUPPORTIVE, not encouraging me to stay at the same weight indefinitely or even GAIN MORE WEIGHT. As Evelyn wrote above, I think A LOT of men are scared that once their partner loses weight, their partner will leave. Some men use their (overweight) partner as a a source of self-esteem to build themselves up. Also, for a man to say he doesn’t want you to lose weight when you want to is a form of him trying to control his partner in their relationship. I say NAY to that! We as woman have to stay EMPOWERED and never let a man OR another woman try to tell us what we need or don’t need to do in order to “fit in” or so that he or she can feel superior to us in some way. – Mira

That being said, I think it’s important to say that we all have insecurities… and if your significant other is merely coming from a place of “I fear you might leave me and find someone better” and you genuinely are in it with them for the long haul… then a little reassurance can’t hurt. Now, if you know you’re going to be on the prowl once you get where you want to be, then that’s different… and if you truly believe your significant other is coming from a malicious place (especially if they’re sabotaging you, too), then you might want to consider how “significant” they should really be. We’ve talked about the importance of a support system here, and if mine weren’t as strong as it was, I might’ve failed. They’re way more important than we realize.

I say all of that to say… a line like this can come from a place of good intentions, questionable intentions or maliciousness… but you have to be conscious enough to not let it slow you down or change your mind. I think there’s way more to this than just “you and your weight loss,” but the most important part of this is to not let yourself get sidetracked or stunted by these words. They may be cute and sweet, but if they lull you back into not doing what you need to do? They need to be ignored… and that’s real.

“Don’t Lose Any Weight.. I Love A Big Fine Woman!” is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

Related posts:

1. Big Love: Dating While Losing Weight
2. Not-So-Big Love: When Losing Weight Turns Into A Marriage Proposal
3. Why Aren’t Feminists Allowed To Lose Weight?

The FULL list of meal plans is currently available. Check it out and get your copy today!

Get BGG2WL delivered wirelessly to your Kindle! Click here for more info!

© Erika for A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss, 2011. | Permalink | 28 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: dating, dating pool, insecurity, relationships

“You know it’s love when you start giving up stuff you really like to see them happy.”

When I posted news of my engagement on the blog, a reader asked me what I meant by the following:

I know myself. The old Erika would’ve made a man like my current fiancé take off running in the opposite direction. I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate him for who he is if I were the old me.

Excerpted from Not-So-Big Love: When Losing Weight Turns Into A Marriage Proposal | A Black Girl’s Guide To Weight Loss

 

and really, it’s easy. Sort of.

My weight problems were a result of an emotional problem I had. Love is an emotion, a volatile one, at that. If I couldn’t handle my emotions properly and believed that the answer to all of my troubles could be found in the bottom of a container of Blue Bell, please believe that my lack of communication and problem solving skills would affect any relationships I’d engage in. Please believe I’d not be able to identify when a man actually loved me because I didn’t know what love looked like. I didn’t know what it felt like. I didn’t know how to identify it. And because I didn’t know how to identify love or the feelings it brings out of a person, it affected the love I gave and how I showed affection. It affected a lot. I just wasn’t a pretty picture.

It doesn’t sound like someone that a person who desires marriage would be interested in for anything long term. Someone emotionally stunted? Yeah, not so much.

When I talked about loving myself before, I wrote that I looked at how I loved my child – what I would sacrifice for her happiness, what I would struggle to acquire for her, what I wanted to ensure she would always have mentally as well as physically – and I wondered why I didn’t love myself the same way. It was through learning that process of giving love to myself in a very deliberate fashion that I learned what it was like to love someone. I mean, my daughter? I’d never even questioned my love for her. I’d never questioned what it felt like to love her. I’d never studied how hard I work to make her happy. I’d never questioned why I do the things I do for her. But turning that love back onto myself? There lied the challenge.

A combination of love and faith in that love got me to where I am, now. The things I’ve given up for Mini-me, the sacrifices I’ve made for her and the faith I had in the fact that I was doing the right thing all paid off, because those sacrifices are beginning to pay off for me in the end. Learning to sacrifice for myself? Win. Learning what it looks like to sacrifice, and see that sacrifice pay off for the recipient? Double win. Having someone in my life who is attracted to my ability to love and commit and sacrifice? That’s everything.

Can you imagine pouring everything you’ve got into someone who can’t give it back? Can you imagine displaying a willingness to give up everything for a person, and they not give in the same way? To value someone that highly, and know you aren’t seen worthy of the same? You’d leave, and rightfully so.

Loving myself requires effort. I have to show it every day. In the face of opportunities that might feel much more rewarding (like, say, binge eating), I have to make the hard choice out of love. I did it every day for my daughter, I learned to do it for myself and now, with a third addition to my household, he’s someone else I do it for.

In the book The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck once wrote that we apply meanings and feelings to love that don’t, actually, belong there… that once we realize that love is not essentially romantic and not, essentially, a feeling, we get to the point where we realize that love is an investment that requires work and effort to grow. It’s foregoing instant gratification for the pursuit of a higher goal, which is – more often than not – some kind of growth. While Peck was speaking spcifically to the growth of another individual, it’d be years after I first read the book that I realized it could apply to the growth of your own self, as well.

I do what I need to do for me. I know I’m beating an emotional eating habit. I turn down the things that trigger it. I don’t allow certain things in my house. I don’t give myself the chance to make excuses. I make the hard decisions for me because I know that I’m not ready to find out whether I’m ready. I am on an active path of loving myself, and I feel the benefits of such. It’s how I give, and it’s changed how I love. I’m more free, and I’m more vulnerable, and I’m happy.

I know not everyone will be able to relate to that, and while there are people who don’t care to read me talking about love all the time… don’t worry. I don’t care to blog about it all the time, either. However, because I talk about body image, compassion and learning to love oneself… and because my view of “love” is all-encompassing, I think it makes sense to mention here.

Soooooo, as snarky as I was being, I was actually kind of truthful. “You know it’s love when you start giving up stuff you really like to see them happy.” And just like your body thanks you and shows you, in return, the benefits of that kind of love by loving you back the same way? I’ve learned that pouring that kind of love into other human beings causes the exact same effect. It’s a powerful cycle, and can only make life better.

How Do You Know When You Love Someone… Or Yourself? is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

Related posts:

1. Not-So-Big Love: When Losing Weight Turns Into A Marriage Proposal
2. Big Love: Dating While Losing Weight
3. “Don’t Lose Any Weight.. I Love A Big Fine Woman!”

The FULL list of meal plans is currently available. Check it out and get your copy today!

Get BGG2WL delivered wirelessly to your Kindle! Click here for more info!

© Erika for A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss, 2011. | Permalink | 6 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: love, relationships, self-love

In the post I wrote last September titled Sexual Assault, Sexual Harassment, & Weight Gain: Facing Facts, I discussed the effects that street harassment, sexual harassment, sexual assault and the depression that stems from them all can affect a woman’s psyche. I discussed the fact that the depression compels a lot of us to eat emotionally. I specifically discused the proposition that a lot of us may have allowed ourselves to gain the additional pounds by erroneously thinking it’d convince potential harassers to leave us alone… y’know, because we’re fat now, and “fat women” never deal with sexual assault or harassment. A lot of us might’ve even learned the hard way, after gaining the weight, that “fat women” deal with a whole new class of harassers – both the ones who believe you to be property… only meant to be the receiver of their attention and little more, and the ones who take delight in harassing fat women, because, y’know… they’re fat. They’ll take it because that’s the only attention they ever get.

For clarity’s sake, that’s not what I think. It’s how harassers behave.

My post was therapeutic. I had released that drama and trauma from my life for almost a year prior to writing that post. Just so happening to see Tracy’s post made it click in my head that there is, in fact, a connection there. I’ve been sexually harassed. I’ve been sexually assaulted. I’ve accepted these things. I’ve learned to cope. And addressing these things has made me an infinitely better human being in the process.

That being said… while my post was therapeutic for me (although I’d kept my own sexual assault to myself until recently), the comments area of that post are rife with women sharing their experiences and how those experiences have affected them. It’s a collective 30+ comments full of women putting their vulnerabilities on display – talking about an extremely negative experience and how this negative experience put them on a path of self-destruction that they are now trying to work through. Do you know how hard it is to get a person – any person… a “strong Black woman,” at that – to be that publicly vulnerable? To humble themselves to that kind of lowest common denominator? So many of us struggle with the mere idea of admitting that we might need to even spend a little time self-reflecting…. public humility and vulnerability? Seriously?

I’m getting off track, here.

Last night, in the comments for this post about sexual/street harassment, this comment was left:

Good Day,

I hope this reply finds its reader in good health and spirits. As man I wanted to share with you my feelings regarding the concept of sacrificing health in order to avoid unwanted male attention.

Great thespians will tell you that they can play many any type of role with conviction because they have the compassion to tap into the soul and inner-being of the character. While I cannot identify with the situations expressed in your blog or by the author of the blog you linked above, I do have the capacity and compassion to identify with the sentiments and emotions from where these feeling are expressed.

With that said, I would like to caution anyone from sacrificing their health for any reason. This is imperative from many standpoints but I would delve into a few to try to obviate the urgency of my words.

First, I am not trying to discount the concepts of the original author but her post, in my opinion, revealed a woman that is very confrontational. The men represented in her blog post were extraordinarily disagreeable but I find it hard to believe that the majority of her experiences with Black Men are as described in her post. In fact, I would surmise that these are a few of the more memorable of the minority encounters with Black Men.

Also, the experiences she noted were so vile and attributed at such a frequency that it is apparent that her safety is perpetually compromised. Considering this predicament any rational person would have removed themselves from that situation.

I wrote the above to express that readers should be careful to not emotionally attach themselves to her experiences as she may not share your sensibilities or mental stability.

Secondly, I am of the belief that we have a social responsibility to be with one another. This is a responsibility that is becoming increasingly difficult due to health/weight issues prevalent in the black community.

While men are able to “love a woman for who she is,” black men cannot ignore the responsibility that we have to our offspring. The natural assumption is that an unhealthy person will reinforce unhealthy dietary practices to our children. This is a major concern and a primary deterrent when confronted with potential mates that are unhealthy.

Finally, assuming unhealthy dietary practices will, in effect, predetermine your pool of potential candidates. I am a 30 year old, well-educated, professional man and I can tell you from experience and from the discourse had with brothers of my ilk that there are only a handful of instances in which a black man will consider a serious relationship with an overweight woman. They are as follows:

• He is a big man himself
• He has children with her and she has gained weight
• He married her and she gained weight
• He has not achieved the same level of education as she has
• He does not have a similar financial status as she does

In short, sacrificing your health will only compound the problem. Many brothers will be immediately deterred from considering you as a potential candidate and you will predestine yourself to someone that is either himself unhealthy, feeling as though he is settling, less educated or broke.

I know my words are curt but the ideas and advice I express are from a place of love.

I’m going to personally and publicly offer my rebuttal because, quite frankly, I want this to be seen by as many women as possible. Not because I’m some man-hater who enjoys this, but because I believe when I know someone’s dropping shit on my plate and calling it steak… I have every right to show them what steak really looks like. I’ve no personal interest in this man in particular, but I have every interest in dealing with the insensitivity shown in this comment.

And yes, there is an abundance of insensitivity.

I cannot begin to express my disappointment in a person who, ostensibly, will never have to deal with sexual harassment – or the accompanying feeling of being objectified as someone’s property – and who can admit to never having these experiences… telling a woman that she is “too confrontational” in regards to these experiences he’s already admitted to not being able to have. If you’ve never been there and never WILL be there, how can you tell a woman how she should speak of it? “I find it hard to believe that the majority of her experiences with Black men are as described in her post.” Do you know? Do you know what her walk to and from work looks like? Do you know what it looks like outside of her front stoop? Outside of her job? Do you know what she deals with when she tries to go to the mall? Do you know what her life is like? Do you stand next to her and keep a running tally of how many times she encounters Black men and has the same experience? If you answered “No.” at least one time… you are wildly inappropriate.

All it TAKES is one time to frighten the hell out of you. That’s it – one time. There are women who’ve had GUNS pulled on them for rejecting a man’s advances! There are women who’ve been grabbed by the throat, chased, and RAPED for rejecting a man’s advances. That is what objectification looks like – you’re not a human. You’re not allowed to say no. You are to shut up and stand there and boost my ego by receiving my advances and responding accordingly. And while this isn’t exclusive to Black men, it is an especially disheartening issue for Black women because for some reason… the shit remains unchecked in the communities where we are most prevalent. Very few men are out there defending our honor, as if y’all have collectively decided we don’t have any honor worth defending or something.

For all of your efforts to tell Tracy – in SAT words and coated with sugar – that she is merely bitter and focusing on the negative instead of the good, how many MEN have you corrected when you see them harassing women? I’m not talking “My brother, that woman is a queen, respect her,” either. I’m talking “Damn, leave her alone dude, seriously.” How many times have YOU done that? How many times have you penned six or seven hundred words to tell your fellow “Black Men” to stop objectifying women? And when you are told “Yeah, well, if they’d stop objectifying themselves, it’d be easier,” do you remind yourself “Well, no woman has ever been exempt from being a victim of street harassment regardless of whether she’s in sweats, a suit, a habit or booty shorts… she is a human who deserves to be able to walk to the store in peace?” Do you say THAT to your fellow “Black Men?” Or do you sit on the Internet looking to tell women, once again, how to be women in a fashion that is acceptable to you?

“[B]e careful to not emotionally attach [your]selves to her experiences as she may not share your sensibilities or mental stability.”

Are we stupid, now, and need you to come tell us the obvious? We don’t have to share her sensibilities (or implied lack thereof) in order to understand the emotion behind them! We’ve ALL been there! I’ve received almost 60 e-mails about this blog post ALONE. The number of women who’ve shared their stories with me – cis-gendered AND trans-gendered – where they’ve become fed up, they’re self-medicating, they’re hurt, they’re scared, they’re frustrated, they’ve identified how this has stolen years of their lives, and they ADMIRE Tracy’s ability to turn those emotions back outward instead of inward and resulting in self-harm the way it has for them. To tell them “That bitch is crazy, don’t connect with her” is the same emotional manipulation that we see, every day, in various forms. It’s creepy, it’s gross, and it implies that we’re all plebians that needed YOU to come and rescue us from our emotional stupidity… in the comments section of a blog post that showed a heightened sense of emotional awareness long before you came by. Irony.

I have no interest in the idea that we “have a social responsibility to be with one another,” especially if that “responsibility” can be considered “difficult” because of a woman’s weight! I guess that responsibility ain’t THAT large, huh?

The last thing I’m going to say is pretty important. It speaks to something I’ve said before and very few women really took it to ear because many felt I was being insensitive myself, but maybe this’ll make it more plain.

Telling a Black woman that she isn’t allowed to be changed by her experiences, that she should “not identify with that bitch — she’s crazy” and then telling her that the weight she gained from her emotional shortcomings is the reason why she can’t get a quality man… in a post where she’s already broken down to the point of humility and ready to accept change? This is the mess I’m talking about when I say that I’m tired of Black women being treated like animals, not allowed to feel emotion.

How insensitive can you be, to talk about relationships in the comments to a post about women coming to grips with sexual assault? How insensitive can you be, to tell a woman to keep her weight in check so that she can get a man… in the same space where women are ALREADY ADMITTING emotional shortcomings that have made relationships difficult for them? Is there not a time and a place for everything? Should “getting a man” always be at the forefront of a Black woman’s mind? (I’m sure that mentality benefits you. Where the hell do you live? Atlanta?) Should a woman put this at the top of her priority list? Do you really think that getting and keeping “a serious relationship” should be mentioned in the same conversation as “I’ve been sexually harassed and it’s changed my idea of how I could and should interact with men?” It makes sense to tell a woman who’s already becoming newly aware of how her experiences have changed her relationships with men… “your fat ass is the reason why you can’t get a date now?” Word?

I see why it’s so hard for Black women to be vulnerable. We are rarely ever “allowed” the space to confront our emotions. When we confront our emotions, we are deemed “hysterical,” “bitter,” “emotionally unstable” as if the answer would be to HIDE those emotions. The hell? No – you CONFRONT those emotions so that you can figure them out and file them accordingly. THAT is how you COPE. Furthermore, THAT is how you COPE WITHOUT FOOD.

I love what I do. What I do reinforces what I’ve learned over the course of my weight loss journey, because I can see it in action. I see, in so many women, the things that I’ve struggled with and I see the mentalities that looked similar to mine on my path to emotional recovery. I see women who I believe may very well struggle, and I see women who are broken down to the point of developing eating disorders because they’re becoming afraid of food. The exposure to the human psyche that I’ve gained is immeasurably valuable.

That being said… I already know what’ll come from this: “Isn’t he right, though?” “She was kinda bitter.” “Didn’t you just blog about weight loss and relationships?”

To that, I reply… “His comments aren’t about ‘rightness.’ His comments are a problem of time and place – there is a time and a place for everything, and his lack of sensitivity is more indicative of a larger problem with how Black women are treated. Dare I say it, but his comments are almost as dehumanizing as the street harassment in and of itself. Is that radical? Yes. Some things require more than a demure nature, though, anyway.”

“She might be bitter – I can’t call it. What I can call, though, is that acknowledging the source of any emotion – as she very well may have been doing – is the path to emotional recovery. Plain and simple.”

“Yes, I blog about weight loss and relationships… but I just got done arguing the point that women should refrain from dating until they’ve taken emotional inventory of themselves. I’m not saying the two can’t and don’t go hand in hand. I don’t even tell the lie that weight doesn’t affect one’s amount or quality of potential suitors. I don’t bring that up in the context of ‘You let your ass get fat over this stupid stuff, and now you can’t get a man!’ though. Not ever.”

At this point, I don’t care whether or not that dude ever returns to my blog and sees this response. It’s far more important to me for women to see this kind of thing fleshed out in full, so that it can be filed away accordingly as the underhanded, self-serving, insensitive tripe that it is. And then we can go back to figuring out how to make delicious and healthy brownies or something.

A Follow Up To Sexual Harassment, Sexual Assault & Weight Gain: Facing Insensitivity is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

Related posts:

1. A Follow Up To Sexual Harassment, Sexual Assault & Weight Gain: Outside Perspective
2. Sexual Assault, Sexual Harassment, & Weight Gain: Facing Facts
3. Q&A Wednesday: A Black Girl’s Guide To Weight GAIN?

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© Erika for A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss, 2011. | Permalink | 45 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: dating, relationships, sexual assault, sexual harassment, street harassment

...those blasted office cookies!!!

One of the strangest things I’ve learned about people along the way… is the fact that people feel judged simply because you do things differently from them.

No, really.

You don’t have to say “Oh, I’d never order that.” in order to make someone feel judged about the decisions they’re making with their food. You don’t have to say “Oh, I’d never eat the office cookies” in order to make someone feel some kinda way about the fact that they did, in fact, eat more office cookies than they’d care to admit. All you have to do… is do something they didn’t.

I know that I’ve always noticed when someone chose to turn down the cupcake or the cookies. I’d always wonder “Who, on Earth, would do something like that?” (Of course, the answer is “Someone who has a sugar addiction, someone who doesn’t want the sugar, someone who isn’t turned on by cupcakes, someone who is watching their figure…” but I didn’t know that, then.)

But the interesting thing, then, is what I’d think next… which is “Is there something wrong with me for eating the cupcakes or cookies? Is there something wrong with the cupcakes?” And this line of questioning always brought me some kind of guilt and shame… causing me to feel bad for wanting the cupcakes, and compelling me to feel like my choice was wrong… thereby making me want to go hide in the corner and binge on ‘em by my damn self.

What can I say? I was young, I was weak, and I was emotionally vulnerable in ways I was unwilling to acknowledge. It happens.

I’ve written about food guilt and food shame before, but maybe we should revisit:

Let’s talk about guilt and shame here, for a minute – specifically “food guilt” and “food shame.” I am not a fan of either. Why? Because, quite frankly, they’re ideologies that come from a dieter’s lifestyle. Not the lifestyle of a human being, which makes allowances for error/slip-ups/occasional indulgences. (Note: this is also why I don’t believe in “moderation.” It’s dieter’s mentality. I’m not a dieter. I don’t “moderate” my intake of food. I use common sense.)

Guilt, defined by Merriam-Webster: “a : the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously b : feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy”

Shame, defined by Merriam-Webster: “(1) a : a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety b : the susceptibility to such emotion <have you no shame?>; (2) a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute <the shame of being arrested>”

I brought up these two different situations for a reason. Did I feel a little shame? Of course! No one likes to be wrong. No one likes to feel like they have a “shortcoming,” and no one like to feel like their knowledge of anything is subordinate to someone else.

Someone else who does not know me from a can of paint, however, trying to check me – in, almost, a mocking sense – about “what’s good for my diet?” Monumental fail.

Excerpted from Food Guilt and Food Shaming Are Not Your Friend | A Black Girl’s Guide To Weight Loss

This new third scenario, however, is different. It’s an implied judgment. It’s assumed that you’re trying to passive-aggressively imply that someone else shouldn’t be doing something simply by the virtue of you choosing to not do it. It’s a strange way for someone to put your choices on a pedestal and measure themselves up to you… but that’s exactly what it is.

I mean, think about it – when we hear a woman talk about how she doesn’t want “big thighs,” how many of us have looked at our own thighs and asked ourselves “What, is something wrong with big thighs? Do I have big thighs? She doesn’t like my thighs?” and it causes us to feel some kind of way about ourselves and the decisions we’ve made for ourselves.

It’s also a way to shoot down common wisdom about wellness and weight, to protect the idea that you can “eat what you want in moderation” and that you also can, in fact, “lose weight effortlessly… without all that ‘deprivation‘ and working out” There’s nothing effortless about what I’ve gone through, that’s for sure. But to see you making the hard decisions and, essentially, benefiting from them would serve as proof that people keep talking about the hard way because the hard way works. No one wants to hear (or see) all that, and it’s easier to question you than themselves… or that silly philosophy they cling to.

But why? Why do we feel implicitly judged by someone else’s choices? Why do we feel as though their choices for their own life are an indictment of how we choose to live? If someone decides to hit the gym during their lunch break instead of [insert franchise restaurant], why do we feel like we need to make ourselves feel better by clowning the gym-goer behind their backs over lunch? If someone decides to pass on the office pizza, why do we feel the need to put that person under the bright lights and give them the third degree over their choice?

If I decide that I don’t want to be a size 16, it’s not an indictment on size 16s. If I decide that I don’t want to eat the office cupcakes or the office pizza or the office potluck food, that’s not an indictment on (or judgment of) the people who do. It means that I don’t want it. What I decide for me and my body isn’t about you, so to make it about you is foolish on your part.

There are countless stories, shared by BGG2WL readers on this site, of how people have chastized them for doing what everyone else does – for goodness’ sakes, your “Black Card” can be revoked because of it – or do what they can to throw you off track… all because they feel judged by your choice to live differently.

So my friends take me out for sushi to celebrate (’cause we do go out to eat!). I’m enjoying an eel roll and seaweed salad when the friend of a good friend begins to go off about taking the fat girl out to eat, and that I should go on a water fast for 2 weeks, then a colonic, then vegetarian diet. I told her she know didn’t a thing about diabetes and uncontrolled low sugar levels. She told me that she knew that eating too much brought it on, therefore not eating would take care of it. So I said the only thing I could think of:

“I may be fat today, but I’m loosing weight and getting healthier every day. A year from now, I’ll be smaller, more gorgeous, and won’t even remember you. But you’ll still be mean-spirited and ignant. Sucks to be you.”

Then her friend had to step in before the heifer hit me but that’s another story.

Excerpted from Handling Unsolicited Advice and “Big Girl Guilt” | A Black Girl’s Guide To Weight Loss

Also popular, is the “how dare you not offer what we want?” meme:

Last year for my son’s bday I set up a fajita station. We had grilled chicken or grilled sliced portobellas for the non-meat eaters, peppers & all the usual fajita offerings (lettuce, tomato, etc), fresh grilled corn on the cob, huge salad, fruit kabobs & of course the required cake & ice cream. My aunt complained the WHOLE time about where the fried chicken & macaroni salad was as if that’s the only fare we can serve at a family gathering. It really worked my nerves. Then she says, picking over my food, “I can’t eat this stuff.”

Stuff? What stuff? *sigh* It saddens me to think that for some of us if it isn’t fried, smothered, or cooked to death (string beans) it’s not our kind of food. This logic is ridiculous.

As for exercising this doesn’t seem to be a problem for men of color. They are encouraged to shoot hoops, run track & bike all day. Yet when a woman of color wants to partake in an activity it’s viewed with ulterior motives. She must be “trying to lose weight for the summer”; or she’s “trying to be cute” (or white). Being active is never viewed as wanting to maintain health or simply for enjoyment. This is bothersome.

Excerpted from “Working Out Is For White People” | A Black Girl’s Guide To Weight Loss

Understand what I’m saying, here: it’s one thing to see or hear something you don’t like… it’s another thing entirely to then denigrate it because it’s not what you want.

I guess I speak of it in this fashion because I used to do it. My best friend is a size 6. Trust me. I used to do it a lot.

Is there jealousy involved? Is there guilt or shame involved? Absolutely. I think that is what compels the person who feels judged to respond negatively to you making a different decision than they did. How do you deal with it?

Like I admitted before, I used to be guilty of this. It’s strange now because I went from being the person embarassed that my fat ass was eating cake in public to being the person who everyone’s asking “why aren’t you having any cake?” and giving the puppy dog face when they see you turning it down. I’m extra-sensitive to it because I also know that the wrong word choice would cause someone to feel the same way I did.

And no, it isn’t my responsibility to coddle someone else’s feelings… but I do feel some responsibility to not be insensitive.

When people ask me why I’m not having the cupcakes or any other super sweet thing? I just tell ‘em, complete with a head shake, “I just have a headache… the sugar’s only gonna make it worse. Maybe after it dies down.” and I add in a hand toss for good measure. If they inquire further, you “already took something” and you’re waiting on it to take effect. That way, I’m not responding with anything similar to “Don’t you know that cupcakes make you fat?” or “Because I have a sugar addiction and I’m not trying to make it worse.” I don’t want to have any further conversation about my choice, and I don’t want to make an awkward situation worse.

If it’s something oily or cheap-looking? “I want to, but I have a stomach ache. Maybe after I have some pepto.”"I haaaate [insert pizza chain.] It always makes me sick when I try to eat it!”

For some strange reason, saying “I’m just not in the mood” isn’t enough, because [thanks to all these cupcake boutiques] people love to respond with “a cupcake will always put you in the mood!” (Mind you, as a recovering sugar addict, this is creepy as hell.)

What I realized about myself – and it may be different for others – is that the times where I felt some kind of way about someone choosing to not eat the cake or cookies, were the times where I wanted to turn it down too, and couldn’t (yet, didn’t know why I couldn’t.) I felt an unnecessary compulsion to indulge… and didn’t understand it. I didn’t get it, but I’d do it anyway and be okay with it because, well, cupcakes taste good. It can’t hurt to have another one, right?

I didn’t want to take the “easy” way out, but I did because it was comforting. It’s a hard decision to go against habit and hit the gym or turn down the cupcakes. I didn’t know what that took then, but taking the time to learn made the difference for me, personally.

Do I think this happens the same way in every situation? Honestly, no. However I do know that, on the course of adopting a healthier lifestyle, we all will encounter this. My only advice is to do what you can to take the focus off of what’s assumed to be judgment, and put it onto something arbitrary that can’t be accounted for. It takes the sting out, squashes the debating, and everyone can go back to enjoying their cupcakes… while you, well, enjoy not enjoying them.

It’s Not About YOU: Dealing With “Implied Judgment” is a post from: A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss. Thanks for reading!

Related posts:

1. Q&A Wednesday: Dealing With Emotional Eating

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© Erika for A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss, 2011. | Permalink | 16 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: food guilt, food shaming, potlucks, relationships