Black Women, Our Bodies & Perceptions of Beauty: On Self Esteem
Society would make you think that being overweight is a sin... ...
by Erika Nicole Kendall
Look at how they've got Khloe covered up by the text -- poor girl is already touted as "the fat one," what a way to perpetuate that "you shouldn't be seen as much as the skinny one" meme. Sigh.
Self-esteem is defined as a confidence and satisfaction in oneself. A person’s overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth. If you were a stock on wall street, it’d literally be how much you think you should sell for.
If you listen to the national conversation about weight, one would presume that being overweight is a sin. It’s unsightly. It’s “offensive to the nation’s visual sensibilities.” The media regularly perpetuates this notion that if you don’t look anything like “X”, then there is something wrong with you. Never mind the fact that you may not look like “X” because you are simply a beautiful shade of “different.” All that matters is that you do not resemble “X,” and that this is a serious matter.
And we – innocent, unknowing, gullible, naive little us – we simply buy into it. Perhaps its too easy to go with the flow for many of us. Perhaps it takes too much time to challenge these ideas that tell us that we are “less than” because we don’t fit with an American cultural ideal. Perhaps this notion of being “less than” already fits in with perceptions we had of ourselves long before we recognized that the media agrees with us. The bottom line is.. “we” are told that we suck… and “we” agree.
As a woman who came of age around women who didn’t look much like me, I see how this affects everyone. I already wrote about how the young girls who didn’t need diet-anything were sucking down diet sodas for lunch. (Perhaps the corn syrup in the drink counted as a serving of vegetables? Just playing… maybe?) I remember my non-Black girlfriends getting relaxers to tame their curls so that it’d be easier to straighten their hair. I also remember those who refused to participate in the “race to be what they want us to be” being ostracized and mocked and shunned for their choice.
As a woman of color, I see how this affects women like me. We don’t see leading ladies with curly hair. Hell, we don’t even see leading ladies with their own hair anymore. (And please don’t take this as an insult toward individual choice.. it’s a direct critique of the images we see in the media.. not the people we see every day.) Black radio shows are full of advertisements selling weight loss pills, smoothies, shakes, and [insert random quick fix here]. We, as women of color, are often told everything is wrong with us.
It’s rare that you hear a conversation about why, though. Why are we told by the media that something is wrong with us? Why are we always told that we need to lose “that last five pounds?” Why is it so unappealing for people with heritage that doesn’t look like the mainstream image of “ideal” to be different?
Diet, diet, diet.... womp.
If self esteem is the perceived level of satisfaction in oneself, and you have imagery around you every day telling you exactly how “less than” you truly are… how hard is it going to be to develop a healthy sense of self? A healthy understanding of your worth?
The question I truly have, is why is so much of our self-esteem – essentially, our estimation of our worth – wrapped up in our appearance? Are we as a nation so superficial that we estimate a person’s worth by their appearance? Are we knowingly accepting a mentality that causes us to think less of ourselves and value ourselves even less? Because, let’s keep it real: if two thirds of this country is overweight, we don’t look like the girls who’ve got the magazine covers selling like hotcakes, do we? The value we place on them, inadvertently causes us to change the value we place on ourselves. How often do we look at an Us Weekly cover and say “Man, if only I could lose another 10lbs,” only to see a Women’s World magazine right next to it that says “Lose 10lbs in 10 days!” and thank our lucky stars?
Plain and simple, because if you didn’t believe something was wrong with you, no one could make money off of fixing you. As women of color, the message is often that everything is wrong with us because we are so different. We can’t get right for going left. We look differently. Our hair is different. Our facial features are different. We created magazines that would highlight what we were doing because we were shown our lives weren’t worth space in contemporary pop magazines. And as we scrambled to be like everyone else… we lost ourselves and lost sight of the things that truly matter.
Normally, I wouldn’t care about any of this. It’s capitalist principle – if you allow yourself open to be taken advantage of, then please believe there’s someone out there willing to do it. However, the conversation that tells people that they are less than and that they “must be skinny” has created an attitude that completely ignores health. In a country full of “fat-free,” “low-fat,” “low-carb” everything… in a country so obsessed with food bearing health labels, we are still two-thirds overweight. The irony of it all? No one’s doing any of this to be healthy. People do it to chase that “skinny dragon.” The perceived “healthy benefits” are just a “plus.”
When I was well over 300lbs, I didn’t gauge my worth by how “pretty” I was or by how much I looked like the current cover girl. Like I said before, “I didn’t need to be skinny to be a person of value to my community, my country, or my world. I mean, for crying out loud – skinniness isn’t what makes a person phenomenal! I don’t need to be skinny to be dynamic! I don’t need skinny to rock your world! Being skinny isn’t what makes a chick bangin’! I can do ALL of that without being a single-digit size.” I had the first part of self-esteem down pat – I understood what it did not consist of, but I failed to fully understand what I did include.
Now that I’ve lost most of that weight, my definition of self-esteem is a little more honed in. It sounds more like the stocks and bonds version. (What can I say? I’m a businesswoman.) I treat myself like a business that I want to see flourish. I invest heavily in me – without guilt – because I know the return on my investment is a longer, healthier, more fulfilling life. When I invest in my body, I know that only good can come of my investment, and it makes my stock more valuable. Why? Because when I invest in taking care of me, I am that much more capable of properly caring for those who depend on me. It’s as simple as that.
This may seem like a thinly veiled attempt to tell you to begin giving the media the middle finger (it is), but it’s not (it is.) It’s a simple suggestion to truly think about how we allow the outside world to influence our inside emotions, and how we allow the media to truly influence how we see ourselves. Especially as a woman of color, I’m beyond aware of the fact that the media hardly ever sees me, so why on Earth would I allow them to make me feel less than? I’m cool on that. I base my self-esteem on what I contribute to the people around me, and my investment in myself as a person worthy of love and care, and that’s all right with me.
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12 Responses to “Black Women, Our Bodies & Perceptions of Beauty: On Self Esteem”
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I really love your blog. It is always insightful and well-written. I have a girls group at my school (I teach H.S.) that deals with this very issue of beauty and self-esteem. I started it because I have dealt with self-esteem issues all of my life, many of which stem from weight and appearance. I can honestly say now that my self-esteem is intact, but it took so much work and soul searching to get there. It took being uncomfortable and looking at the parts of myself that I considered ugly and embracing them. Unfortunately, this is not a skill that is often taught in the home or in school. Fortunately, we have programs that can help…but people need to have the desire to work hard at deflecting these images. There is always an outsider in every society, and there will always be a group that is not considered beauty because they do not fit a one dimensional standard. We have a choice as to how we respond to that standard. Jessica Simpson’s show “The Price of Beauty” really broke that down.
I found your site on the Black Weblog Awards nomination page, and I’m glad I did. What an inspirational blog! As a black woman who is “always on a diet” I find you inspiring. Thanks!
I love this post. You said, quite eloquently, what I think a lot of women (women of all races and heritages) constantly have on the tips of our tongues and can’t quite find the words. My favorite part:
“It’s rare that you hear a conversation about why, though. Why are we told by the media that something is wrong with us? Why are we always told that we need to lose “that last five pounds?”
Touché and brava!
You are right “Skinniness” does not make a person phenomenal. I have been “skinny”(Oh, how I hate that word)my entire life, and not just skinny, I am supposedly tooo skinny. I was not considered phenomenal.This assessment did not come from any magazine but from my community, my family, my friends the people that matter most to me. The people who supposedly know and love me.It is amazing how some think that because being skinny is the considered the norm (not in the black community)or the accepted state of being it is o.k. to proclaim for all to hear that I AM SKINNY! That I am less than, literally. Don’t get it twisted, this proclamation is never made with a smile so that maybe it can perceived as a compliment but always with a sneer or snicker and followed with weight gaining tips or a comment as to what men want. Tell me, what exactly is the correct response to this statement? I honestly didn’t realize how much this still affected me until I was standing in the grocery aisle and ran into an old high school classmate that stated quite naturally, “You are still skinny huh, and now you have skinny kids too,” as she looks at my perfect 11 year old.” How do I respond without disrespecting her as I feel disrespected. As I look down at my beautiful, caramel athetically built child who has yet to grow into herself and count to 10. How dare she, how dare anyone. I can’t say to anyone that is overweight, “Oh my, I thought you would have grown out of that baby fat from high school and now you’ve had little chubby babies too.” It is so acceptable to comment on my weight, because of this I have had issues my entire life. It hurts.
@Arianne, I think one way to respond to situations like this is to put the person on the spot by shifting attention from you to what they’re saying or to how they’re saying it. Ask them “Why would you say such an offensive thing?” or “Why are you being rude?” Don’t say it in an angry tone. Say it as if you are honestly perplexed as to why somebody would do such a strange thing. If the words are not offensive, but the tone is, ask them why they are adopting such a negative tone. Again, do it in a neutral voice. The important thing is to show your daughter that the woman’s words/ tone are inappropriate. Whatever happens next, do not let it accelerate into an argument. Feel free to end the conversation, say goodbye (politely) and go on with your business.
Afterward, when you’re alone, talk to your daughter and explain to her why you felt the comment by the other woman was offensive, or her tone negative.
Thank you for speaking on this. Women of color are doubly bombarded with negative messages about our appearance. Like it or not, women generally are judged on the way we look first and foremost. We all want positive affirmation and we have to teach ourselves how to provide it for ourselves first. If we look to the outside world, we will never measure up & we’ll turn to food to make us feel a momentary and false comfort.
I totally agree with this article and I’d like to add, I’m turned off by the media’s sudden interest in “curves” on white women…..when Black women have had those curves since curves were. I’m not hating (personally, I think both Kardashians on the cover look great) just saying, why not also celebrate the curves of Black women? O wait, that’s right, we can NEVER be good enough in the media’s eyes. Le sigh.
The reason why curves on a white women are more appreciated than on black women in America (this is only a U.S. phenomenon) is because black american women have ruined their brand and society doesn’t value what is associated with them. You either add value to your image and reputation or you decrease value. Black women in the U.S. are damaged goods and not sellable for anything. Sorry ladies it’s the truth which is why I’ve decided to leave this country for a new start to rebuild. That’s the only option for us.
Ohhh, not to worry. I’ve got something JUST for you, Tina.
LOL
” No one’s doing any of this to be healthy. People do it to chase that “skinny dragon.” The perceived “healthy benefits” are just a “plus.”
Excerpted from Black Women, Our Bodies & Perceptions of Beauty: On Self Esteem | A Black Girl’s Guide To Weight Loss
You’re so right when you say this. I am guilty of this fact. I want to lose weight to woo more male suiters and to look sick in clothes. Being able to get up the steps without dying or losing the risk of diabetes are just small extras. How petty and silly of me? But I cannot shake that feeling. I don’t care, I just want to be thin. I once told my sister (during a depressed defeatest state) that I didn’t care if I died just as long as I was a size 8 in the casket.
But I will say that as a women of color that when I admire the bodies/looks of celebrities it’s always a more curvier one (ie. Kenya Moore, Salma Hayek, can’t think of more at the moment). I have a piece on my blog called I Ain’t Hatin which talks about these curvier and confident women. In addition, I have to admit that I would like to lose weight to get further and further away from the stereotype of fat ignorant black women. It seems like a lot of women of color are overweight at this time and I don’t want to be a part of the statistic. Not that were all ignorant or loud, but the media constantly paints us that way. When I see people on the streets, I don’t want them to be like “there goes another one” Maybe this is wrong, I’m not sure.
My blog is not as snazzy as yours lol, but feel free to drop by at anytime gummiwormbandit.blogspot.com
Take care
“I treat myself like a business that I want to see flourish. I invest heavily in me – without guilt – because I know the return on my investment is a longer, healthier, more fulfilling life.”
So profound. This resonated with me so much now that my “aha” moment has happened and I am investing what it takes to be a more healthier, but still awesome, me!