Big Love: Dating While Losing Weight
Is there any reason for a woman to refrain from dating while losing weight? ...
by Erika Nicole Kendall
I don’t love this topic, because it’s thorny. In fact, every time I blog about men and relationships on this site, it’s thorny.
Being “thorny” has never deterred us before, though.
That being said, this was posted over at Clutch. I’m just gonna highlight a few parts of it:
Weight is an emotional and challenging subject for many women who struggle to keep (or take) extra pounds off. While a lot of us fight to get our bodies “right” in order to stave off health issues, others feel that weight is a barrier for them when it comes to finding or sustaining a relationship. And for all the stories of happy and loved heavy women, our size most certainly can be a factor when it comes to meeting Mr. Right.
[...]
They way I looked in clothes (and what I perceived to be my limited dressing options) had great baring over my disdain for my size, but my desire to meet what I believed to be a better caliber of men had far more to do with my choice. I met a lot of guys even when I was much larger, but I felt that many of the guys I would have wanted to want me back weren’t interested in a chunky girl. Now that I’m on the other side, I actually think my line of thinking had a lot to do with my lack of confidence (see above). Either way, whether it was the increased confidence or the “improved” appearance, once I lost the weight I definitely met not only more men, but more men that I wanted to date.
However, there is something awfully unhealthy about your relationship to your appearance and your body being so deeply connected to your desire to be in a romantic relationship. What happens if you make the changes and you still don’t find someone? Or, if you find love only to find the pounds piling back on (this is the current challenge I’m facing, btw; I’m winning so far, but that comfort of a relationship has made saying ‘yes’ to dessert much easier than I would have hoped)? While I’m glad that I lost weight either way, I wish that I hadn’t waited until I felt romantically frustrated to realize that I needed to take control of my body. Ironically, not only has my current boyfriend dated chunkier women and isn’t nearly as interested as I am in seeing me get that elusive small dress size that I seek. Chubby Jamilah probably could have pulled the same dude, had I been walking around with my head held high.
In the comments, you’ll find this from me:
I surely hope that no one come and chastises you for what you’ve written here, because the reality of a lot of our relationships with our bodies is that we’re simply not sure what that relationship should look like.
It’s hard to develop a healthy sense of self when we so rarely see it… and among many of our peers, it’s taboo to even talk about weight in terms of weight LOSS. Hell, I run a BLOG about weight and I don’t engage in these conversations in public unsolicited.
I think it’d be disingenuous if we didn’t admit that appearance is an element of attraction. It’s why we put on heels. It’s why we put on makeup, polish, fix our hair to our standards, dress well and make sure we aren’t ashy, lol. It’s also just a hard truth to admit that – for one horrible, unfortunate reason or another – weight is also a factor that can come into play. Because women know this – regardless of whether or not they’d admit it – it becomes a big part of our relationship with our bodies, even though it’s a lil’ unhealthy. “You’re too fat… you’re the reason why I can’t get the man I want.”
I’ve written about this on the blog before – that, after losing over 150lbs, a lot of the men who weren’t giving me that kind of time before were all up in my face – and even though a lot of women don’t like what that implies, it is still a fact. Losing weight increases the dating pool exponentially – lots of men simply don’t see you if you’re at a certain weight; and once you start being “seen,” you start getting attention.
Whether its right or wrong, we still have to work over time to make sure that we are in tune with ourselves, and that is also something else that comes along during [what I consider to be] a successful weight loss journey. You learn to be in tune with what makes you feel bad, what makes you feel unhappy, what excites you, what turns you off, what makes you uncomfortable, where your weaknesses lie, where your strengths are… and that element of intuitiveness also makes you, overall, a more attractive person. You can be aware of the realities of dating and weight loss without letting it affect your sense of self in the end.
In closing (I almost said “in short” but this ain’t short), I believe posts like this that allow every woman a little private space to reflect on her own sense of self are important. We may not like what these things imply, but since there are very few spaces where these conversations can be had among women, we should allow these things to be said. They have to be said because those of us who have healthy senses of self can help our peers get to where we are, and that’s far more important than any harm Jamilah’s words could bring.
Sorry for the hellalong comment. I’m pretty sure my readers are used to it, but this ain’t MY blog. LOLOL
Now, I was all done with it until someone sent me the link again, and I saw the following response to my comment:
While it’s great to hear success stories, I’d be interested in hearing from folks who are actually ON the journey and trying to date. Because in reality, it takes TIME to lose the weight if it’s anything over 10 pounds, so do women not date until then? How do you cope through that? And how does it help/hurt your self esteem while you’re transitioning? Or do you just remain invisible and cope with that until you’re an “acceptable” weight for being approached?
Surely, people have their thoughts about what the original author wrote, but I’m not one for shaming women for their reasons for wanting to lose weight. I don’t question a woman’s reasons for not wanting to lose weight, so I afford women who do want to lose the same courtesy. (If anything, I care far more about how you go about it than anything else.)
That being said, I’m more interested in the questions asked afterward. How do you handle dating while losing weight? I’ve already admitted that after a break-up in the early part of my journey, I became abstinent and didn’t date. I was not only vulnerable, but working through insecurities that would’ve only made dating an embarrassing experience for myself. I valued having time that was mine and mine alone because, quite frankly, I’m dope and interesting when I actually pay attention to myself and learn about me.
I mean, I can understand a desire to date – if for no other reason but the sake of company and being sociable – but I wonder if there’s a part of a woman’s journey (and I specify gender there for a reason) where, if it’s extensive enough, she’d benefit from not dating. My journey was like literally demolishing a building and rebuilding it from scratch. Would you let anyone set up their home in your building, knowing that it wasn’t completely solid, sturdy or even able to provide adequate shelter? If a house is still being actively rebuilt, I wouldn’t rest my head in it.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m not looking for people to understand why I made the decision I made. Lots of women balk at the idea of remaining abstinent during their “rebuilding” process. Lots of women have “journeys” that are nowhere as complicated or extensive as mine was, and that’s okay (shoot, as much as I had to deal with about myself, I can only hope there aren’t a billion women out there dealing with those kinds of issues.) I’m just wondering about the wide spectrum of choices looks like for women losing weight out there, because while I’m positive that there are plenty of us who’ve chosen to go either way on this one… I’m also positive that there are women out there who are unsure and may very well be needing different viewpoints to help her make her own decision.
So… I’m curious. Did/do you date? Did you decide to fall back? What compelled you to make that decision?
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49 Responses to “Big Love: Dating While Losing Weight”
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I decided last year to pursue a dream and train for a figure competition. In the beginning, I believed that this meant losing a decent amount of weight and putting on A LOT of muscle. As I got farther into the process, I found that the process of training was making me confront my insecurities and distorted self-perception. It has been and continues to be a beautiful and painful process. I am learning myself better than I have ever had to before. So…to get to the question, I stopped dating a few months ago. I tried to date initially, but realized that I just didn’t have space for it. This process is a selffish one and I couldn’t share myself with anyone else while I was still trying to know and understand myself and changing body.
I’m dating now! I’m still fat, yes, still fat, and I stumbled upon a guy who I enjoy spending time with and he is not concerned with my weight at all. He is not a “chubby-chaser” but he happens to like me, the person, and he knows I want to lose weight and that it’s hard. (I was actually told once that I would need a “chubby chaser” if I wanted to be with someone now) There are things about his body he doesn’t like either but we just enjoy each other’s company and have fun together and we don’t focus so much on our physical issues, and he’s not fat at all has great arms! I like that I don’t have to hide it from him and he doesn’t act like it’s okay either for me to be fat. Whatever I want for my body is fine with him and that is refreshing! He never said “Don’t change I like you like this” it’s more about what I want and what makes me feel good and he just likes me.
I did not plan to date until after I got in better shape and felt more comfortable with my body or get stuck with a “chubby chaser”. But sometimes a good person just comes along and those things just don’t matter anymore. My self-esteem isn’t totally jacked up because of my weight but I don’t like it and I did feel like it could possibly get me overlooked by men. However, that ended up not being the case. Maybe it was because I didn’t allow it to cripple my self-worth. Maybe it was because I still contacted him and let him know I was attracted to him. Maybe it was because I was honest about it and still was myself.
We dated very briefly years ago when I was much thinner so I didn’t think he would want me this way when he had met the old me.We have mutual friends and were at a party where I felt chemistry between us. And after a while I acted on it. He said he felt it too but thought I wasn’t interested in him, so for me it paid off, so far since it’s still fairly new. I was shocked, he thought I was too good for him, and here I was thinking I was too fat for anybody! So I think it has less to do with our weight and more to do with our other internal issues. I almost allowed myself to get caught up in thinking I wasn’t good enough to be with a man because I am fat. In my case I didn’t have to fix that first to date.
But I understand what you are saying about your situation. If the feeling is much deeper than just the weight, if you truly need time to reinvent yourself then take that time before adding something else that can be pressureful to your life. Dating is not easy. There are plenty of situations where we are broken but can still be lifted up by a good person in our lives, man or woman, because I’m not talking damsel in distress at all!!! My sister, for example, was going through a bitter divorce that left her a shattered woman. It was a very traumatic experience for the whole family. She met the man of her dreams in the midst of going through that. And now they are buying a home together and have been together for like 10 years! He is a great person and the love that they have is truly amazing to be a part of. By no means did he “save” her but rather he endured the pain with her and loved her still. He did “rest his head in her house” while it was being rebuilt. Since I’ve seen it I know it can happen, depends on the people involved.
I dont’ date. I tried to start something with a new person not long ago and he immediately started with the game playing. It just brought back all the insecurities that would make me reach for something good to eat in order to calm my nerves. I cut off all communications with him and decided that until I get to goal I can’t even consider dating. It is not worth it.
I’ve been in a relationship for 17 years, that right now is sort of rocky. I met my lover in college when i was much thinner, we reconnected and started dating for the first time almost 18 years later. I was sort of chubby but I have gained weight through all the usual ways, stress, a child, taking care of others before myself. So has he. But his opinion of me has changed, he’s actually called me fat, and made cracks about my size, something i never do to him. Mind you he never hesitates to bring home the ice cream, doughnuts or goodies he knows I don’t need and although I manage to resist them most of the time, its strange and somewhat inconsiderate at best, and downright mean at worst. Anyway, my point is, a relationship changes with time, with weight, with a variety of things. I’m working on my own esteem as I work on my weight issues. To me, they are one in the same. If I love myself I’ll be able to do what’s best for me, regardless of what others feel, or say.
I don’t know you from a can of paint, but I wanted to let you know that I’m proud of you for focusing on loving yourself despite the way your partner makes you feel. I read your comment and thought “Good for her!” so I thought I should go ahead and type those thoughts out. =)
With all due respect, the quickest way to lose weight is to drop that zero. I am single and I absolutely LOVE my own company. I think we settle for abusers (and trust me, he is being abusive to your spirit) because we do not feel good about ourselves and fear being alone. I think we need to be alone sometimes to figure out what it is that we want out of this life, staying with someone who is taking the best years of your life is a tragedy in MHO. Life is just too short….don’t waste it on someone who demeans you for being fat, then sabotages you by bringing crap into the house. That’s not love, sweetheart….it really isn’t.
Unfortunately I don’t date anymore. When you’re over 50, not too many guys want to hang out.
Well I been struggling with my weight since I was eight years old and it hasn’t been until recently at the age of 24 that I decided to get serious and start my weight loss journey. I have been in a steady relationship for the past 3 years. When I mentioned to my bf how I felt about my weight and what I wanted to do of course he gave the usual bf talk of “You are wonderful the way you are” and “I personally don’t think you need to loose weight” but he also went on to say that he “would support me and do whatever he can to help me with what I wanted to do”. and I seriously believed him because we have been through so much… and he has been supporting me and has jumped on the bandwagon also because he is also over weight. But I know when I have tried to loose weight before in other relationships I have been ridiculed and even been told that if I lost weight they was gonna leave.. I have also been in the position where I have expressed the fact that I was interested in someone but I was “to fat to date, and we should just be friends” smh… So I truly believe that the basis of a good strong long lasting relationship is to find someone who loves you for you because our bodies will always be changing.. No persons body stays the same… As we age they change, as our situations change we loose/gain weight… things happen.. I feel that if I person truly loves you it doesn’t matter if you gain or loose weight.. If they have a problem with me wanting to gain or loose then I feel that they aren’t the right one for me… Cause truth be told a long lasting relationship has to do with way more than the size of your mate….
“So I truly believe that the basis of a good strong long lasting relationship is to find someone who loves you for you because our bodies will always be changing…”
While I hear what you’re saying, I still think that phrases like this miss the point.
Obviously, no woman is foolish enough to genuinely say “I’m going to purposefully go out and find a man who loves me for my nice booty,” or “I want him because he loves me for [insert something superficial].” Though women do wind up in situations like that, I think that this turns the focus OUTWARD, as opposed to inward.
Yes, find someone who loves you for you, but only after you’ve resolved within yourself that you love you for you, and made sure that you’re a whole-enough woman to go out and genuinely contribute to a relationship and another person’s life. I’m assuming that women make sound sane decisions when it comes to choosing a mate, but even if they don’t, this post isn’t about that part of dating. This is about truly looking at ourselves and deciding whether or not we’re emotionally sound enough to actually date successfully. Lots of broken people enter the dating pool every day… I’m just trying to see how many of us take stock of ourselves to make sure we aren’t one of ‘em.
“This is about truly looking at ourselves and deciding whether or not we’re emotionally sound enough to actually date successfully. Lots of broken people enter the dating pool every day… I’m just trying to see how many of us take stock of ourselves to make sure we aren’t one of ‘em.”
I don’t think a lot of people are used to hearing about someone who is choosing not to date because they are working on themselves (physically or otherwise). With work, school, working on my weight, etc. it’s good for me to be single and focus on my life right now. I just don’t have the space in my head or my heart for someone else while I’m trying to make myself better. But when the topic of dating comes up with my friends, it never ceases to amaze me how many people suggest I “get out there”, “wear a push up bra” or “put on some makeup” to find somebody. It seems to me that some people think having a relationship is more important than emotional health and stability, which is too bad. I’ve learned more about myself since I’ve been making a point to be single than I ever have when I was chasing after somebody.
I have actually experienced this recently. Friends telling me I need to get back into the dating scene. I personally don’t think there is anything wrong with taking time to be selfish to understand who you really are. Honestly, I feel that more woman should do this–while changing their bodies or not. For me, the decision to change my physical appearance revealed the need to strengthen my emotional self. This process needed to happen regardless of my choice to change my eating and exercise habits.
I not too long ago left a relationship where clearly my weight was an issue for the man I was seeing. Granted I wanted to lose the weight and tried to commit to the gym and eating better but quite often fell off a bit. Him asking me constantly about the gym or what I was eating didn’t help either and only magnified my insecurities. One day his ex called me and said he told her I wasn’t his ideal woman because I was fat, that broke the straw on the camel’s back for me. I decided that I need to be on my weight loss journey alone because I knew once I was comfortable with my size, it would remove a lot of the insecurities I had in my past relationships. I am talking to a few men but I’m truly not trying to form anything serious, just trying to get myself in order before I commit to something serious because I believe if you’re not happy with yourself, you can’t be happy with someone else.
I can kind of relate with not being ‘seen’ when you have more weight. When the Atkins diet first came out, I did it and lost about 60 lbs and I noticed I was getting more attention. I eventually gained all that weight back and then some and so here I am currently trying to lose weight and still have a lot to lose. I have been big all of my life so I am sort of used to way that I look and have become accustomed to it, so I know what flatters my shape, I’ve met a few guys here and there and my overall self esteem is pretty good. I would be lying if I never thought that my weight was the reason why I was single, but then I look at the 80 million single beautiful girlfriends I have and about 90% are slim to average so it has to be more than about weight in my eyes. I have never thought I was ugly and think I clean up very nicely, but maybe when you are bigger you just don’t get ‘seen.’
I do have a very outgoing personality and make friends very easily and often feel that people gravitate towards me, but now that I am going through this journey of overall well being I wonder if I use my personality to outshine my outward appearance. I have been pondering this lately b/c I have been learning how to say no to a lot of things other than food and people are telling me that I’m changing.
Hi Chi Chi,
The words I have for you are simply this, Chi Chi you are changing and it is a very important wonderful thing. I realized in my own journey that the phrase “you’re changing” isn’t always about you, but rather how the changes you are making impact the people in your life. Your friends may fear somehow that they will be “left behind”. We both know that this is absolutely not true! It could also be that your striving to improve your health has made them take a “good long look at themselves” and we all know the “good long look “can be sobering. It takes tremendous strength to look inward and make corrections while that strength is takes in my opinion should always be supported and encouraged, the truth is often that does not happen. Friends may fall by the wayside which is a very sad thing. But I have found that the void will often make way for new things and new people to enter your life and when the very people who had issues with your “changing” realize that you are still the same person with the same heart they make their way back to you. So Chi Chi I leave you with this, change is a wonderful thing to embrace. It is the only way we can achieve our hopes and dreams. Stay your course I’m sure your friend will come around, my friends have. Please know that although I am a complete stranger to you. You are “seen” and supported as wonderful you.
nita
Thank you Nita! Your words were a wonderful way for me to start my Friday!
Hi Chi Chi,
I’m so happy you found it helpful!
nita
I don’t have much choice in the matter as a married woman. Luckily he’s military and will be gone for most if this process. It’s a hard road for me because I find myself angry that I feel better about myself when I look in the mirror. To acknowledge that I didn’t look as good or feel as good as I lied about when I was bigger is an emotional process and I’m glad it’s an experience I can go through without him here.
I didn’t date before, I don’t date now…it’s not really hard, with reading, Netflix, PS3, really I don’t have enough time as it is. Truthfully, I’m not quite at liberty to do so, as I’m currently in an area not too hospitable to queer individuals and a queer dating scene, but I’m hoping to move soon! So I do plan on trying to start afterward, it’s kind of been like a, I don’t want to say a “reward”, but more like a “life experience”?
If I had to be honest, the women I’ve known (mom, aunts, grandmother, friends of family) have been expected to sacrifice and deal with a lot of BS in relationships because they are treated as though they should be lucky to be in a relationship to begin with (or have to learn to live with a relationship for financial reasons or are pressured to behave a certain way for religious reasons) and once they’re in one, they don’t have a lot of time for themselves, they’re constantly expected to make time for and accommodate spouse/children. I don’t really have time for that…especially when I need to put myself first to accomplish this goal. And further, if I’m at my “A game” so to speak, I feel like I can better head off and cut off people looking to gain relational dominance through demeaning comments over appearance. It’s kinda twisted, but oh well.
I have been losing weight steadily over the past year (down about 50 pounds – yay!) and I dated during the entire time. I met a guy I really liked at my absolute highest weight, and it didn’t affect our situation at all. During my weight loss I dated 4 guys – 2 seriously. None of them had a problem with my weight. I’m naturally a confident woman tho, even when I was highest weight & hated my body, it didn’t affect me where I was unable to go out & attract men.
The funny this now that I’m smaller (though not at goal yet) I’m actually not dating anymore. My weight loss journey had no affect on my decision to stop dating – other factors led me to do it. But now that I don’t have the distraction of dating, I can focus more on my journey & work towards getting to my goal faster.
I am currently struggling with the issue of dating. I recently lost alot of weight, and have more to go. When I was bigger, I never thought I deserved more then what I got, and what I got wasn’t much. I basically put up with anything, because I felt “who would want me”, eventually my mind changed and that is what caused me to loose the weight. The deciding factor was the last fool I dated, I made the decision, that I know longer wanted to attract his type anymore. You know the type, he uses your insecurity against you. Leaving him alone and loving myself FIRST, for once, enabled me the courage to loose the weight.
So now, I want to date, but I want to enjoy dating. Not always insecure and wondering, why is he with me, but being secure in myself. The reason that i wasn’t attracting the right person is, how could they treat me right when I wasn’t treating myself right.
I think if you date while you are still loosing, you have to get your mind right. If not, you won’t change anything, and eventually gain the weight back
I have decided that I don’t want to date. I’ve been going back and forth with it but this is honestly the first time in my entire life that I’m an actual priority. With me finally focusing on me and making my life better, right now I want to do just that. I feel like I’m being rebuilt from the inside out and when it comes to mindsets, myths, lies, and also words that I’ve spoken and others have over my life. As I’ve lost the first twenty pounds my confidence has soared. BUT that has only been compounded by the fact that I have the mental and spiritual space to think about ME. It isn’t about someone else and how/what they think but about me. This isn’t being selfish in my book, it’s actually bringing my into the picture. Like I’ve told a friend, I’m finally going from being the side character in my life to the main character. It feels good and as much as I would like to be in a relationship one day, right now this is too important. Too solidifying for me and my soul.
This post is right on time for me. In the past few months I have been trying to “re-enter” the dating world after a 3-year hiatus during which time I was recovering from the difficult and bitter end to my marriage. That period of time was the first time since I hit puberty that I actually took time to get to know ME without trying to pursue a relationship. I began focusing on my own mental and emotional health and realized I had a lot of issues that were not conducive to a healthy relationship. I think that time was so valuable and helped me to realize how important self-love truly is. See, I have been overweight for the better part of the last 6 years (gained toward the end of my marriage – lots of stress) and whether it is related or not, I have had a lot of trouble meeting the quality of men that I like since then. My ex was a “chubby chaser” and didn’t care about my weight, or rather loved big women, but it has been a major issue for me in terms of how I see myself. While I haven’t received any of the comments about my weight that some of the other commenters have, I have felt that my options have been limited by my weight. I definitely don’t feel like men “see” me anymore. I mean when I was smaller, men were always honking at me when I walked down the street, trying to say hello, grab my hand when I walked by them, etc. And while these aren’t the most romantic gestures, I do feel the void of that attention now that I am bigger. Clearly 3 years wasn’t long enough to work on my self-esteem and all that emotional baggage I’ve carried around. Still, I have been trying the online dating thing and find that the men that are attracted me are into “bigger” women. I don’t want to necessarily be THAT woman those men are looking for, but I also want some companionship and to go on a date for goodness sakes! Lol. This is such an emotional rollercoaster. Getting back into the dating world has made me realize that I still have a lot of insecurities, I still haven’t healed completely and that losing weight is going to have to be based on my health, happiness and love of myself. Still, I can’t help but have the idea in the back of my mind that I won’t find the guy I want while I am this size. It’s not a healthy attitude but it is where I am right now.
I’m not dating while I lose weight. I have a lot to lose, and to me, dating a man while I’m going through such a drastic physical change is likely not in my best interest. Why? Because with that physical change, I anticipate some psychological changes as well, and I need to be able to properly deal with that without having to potentially mollycoddle a significant other and his issues with my weight loss.
There are plenty of men who don’t have a “size” preference. We make it worse than it is because we are obsessed with it. My 1st husband saw me go from 160-280 and never blinked. My size wasn’t the thing for him. It was that fact that no matter what size I was, I remained flawless…. meaning my clothes were always VERY stylish, my hair, my nails done like ALL THE TIME! My current husband met me at this weight (not 280!!!). He has dated tall, short, Black, white, thick, and thin. His ‘thing’ is breasts. So my point is not all men are fixated on weight. And we need to be mindful of that.
Not to belabor the issue, but this comment also misses the point.
I’m trying to keep this on topic – this is absolutely not about whether or not men care about a changing body. There are enough men in the world where there’s a man to like every size and every shape. That’s pretty irrelevant to what I’m saying, here. This is about whether or not THE WOMAN is mentally and emotionally whole before she enters the dating market. As I said in another comment, this is about truly looking at ourselves and deciding whether or not we’re emotionally sound enough to actually date successfully. Lots of broken people enter the dating pool every day… I’m just trying to see how many of us take stock of ourselves to make sure we aren’t one of ‘em.
Y’all keep wanting to focus outward (on men) instead of inward (on YOU.) What’s that about?
Erika, you said: “This is about whether or not THE WOMAN is mentally and emotionally whole before she enters the dating market. As I said in another comment, this is about truly looking at ourselves and deciding whether or not we’re emotionally sound enough to actually date successfully. Lots of broken people enter the dating pool every day… I’m just trying to see how many of us take stock of ourselves to make sure we aren’t one of ‘em.”
This is interesting because I kind of have the OPPOSITE situation going on. For years, I didn’t date because I didn’t feel worthy. I just stuffed myself with cookies and ice cream and occupied myself with my work, friends, and family. Today I am at my heaviest weight, but have embarked on a journey to better health – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. As part of that, I *want* to date and stop being the fat chick alone in the corner. But I’m finding the pool of potential suitors to be rather shallow. It is only the fact that I know of plenty of attractive, slim sisters who are great catches that are also single (or just dealing with a jerk) that keeps me from completely blaming the situation on my weight. But yeah, for me the decision to date has come from a recognition that I am date-worthy . . . that has been a long time coming . . . .
See, that’s interesting. I don’t know that this is an issue of whether or not one is date-worthy. We’re ALL date-worthy. I don’t know of any reason – short of committing a heinously deviant act – why one wouldn’t be WORTHY of dating.
That being said, worth isn’t what we’re discussing here. I genuinely hope that ALL of us consider ourselves to be worthy of love, admiration and adoration. Again, these are external elements. Might not feel like it, but it is, without a doubt.
Like I said, “Lots of broken people enter the dating pool every day,” ostensibly because they believe they’re date-worthy. That doesn’t mean they aren’t emotionally confused. This also doesn’t mean that the only emotionally confused people in the dating game are overweight…. so we can stop trying to single out “slim women” and stop bringing them up like their lives are perfect. No woman is exempt from emotional problems, so let’s not get into the realm of “thin women” because when I made the comment that you quoted, I was referring to ALL women – thin or otherwise, y’know?
I’m glad that you feel date-worthy, but take stock of your emotional self and determine whether or not you’re emotionally ready to involve another person in your life and actively contribute to theirs… and there’s nothing wrong with saying “Yes, I am date-worthy because I am dope, but I am not ready to be bothered with all that right now.” That’s all I’m sayin’, mama.
You make a good point Erika, but many people think they’re ready to date when they aren’t. I think the question is, how does a person know they’re broken? How does a person know they can deal with a relationship? Sometimes that knowledge takes a long time to come.
I don’t disagree with that. I also don’t have a problem admitting that I think a LOT of people should spend some quality time with themselves, not dating.
Do I have an answer for that? Yep. I’m going to write it out in a blog post, though, because a lot of strange things happened in these comments.
“It was that fact that no matter what size I was, I remained flawless…. meaning my clothes were always VERY stylish, my hair, my nails done like ALL THE TIME! ”
But see, some women don’t want to do that. My mom is a hefty lady, but she still looks great because she puts a lot of effort into her appearance. Personally, I don’t want to feel like I have to dress around being fat or having to buy certain things, wear a lot of makeup, a lot of high maintenance things I don’t like to do to compensate for being overweight. I’m a jeans/t-shirt, minimal makeup, no-fuss-no-weave hairstyle person….when you’re overweight, unless you spend a ton of money on fashion, this translates into being frumpy, whereas if you’re a smaller person, it’s just a more androgynous or lowkey look.
As I walk steadily towards getting healthy, passing up things that I would normally eat and eating a great deal less, I have pondered dating and what they would be like. I will also admit that this becoming healthy forces me to look at myself mentally and emotionally and to face things that I have avoided. Currently I am in counseling, and as I work some things out, dealing with a great deal of emotions I have avoided for years, I have noticed that I eat a great deal less and get to living a great deal more. I was always comfy with my body as a larger woman (size 14-16), but after not caring about the state of my body for four years, let’s just say I have some work to do to get it in shape and to get myself ready for a relationship emotional intimacy and love. When you don’t love yourself the best you can but just let yourself go, I believe that often that is the kind of man that you attract into your life. I am beginning to understand now that I deserve to position myself to have the best life I can for me.
I am exercising now, getting up in the morning (sigh!) and getting on the treadmill I purchased, and recently decided to start using another piece of equipment my parents bought for me eons ago. I am also beginning to lift weight and continuing with yoga. My desire to get healthy and have a great and solid relationship is real and one that I am willing to do the work to obtain. I want to be available for the right man when he comes along, and though I do not think that weight loss is the end all be all, I think that becoming as healthy as I can in all of the ways that I can is part of my solution.
I’ve been mulling this over everyday since I began the journey.
I’m at the point in my life where I know I deserve better and I won’t settle for less than that. I also know that my size as it is now significantly hinders me from snatching what my better is.
I do crave a certain amount of companionship but I’m gonna fall back and not jump into anything. I know that my weight is the source of most of my insecurity and that insecurity fuels my paranoia about most dudes.
So, I think it’s best that I remain unattached.
When it comes to working on yourself and taking time out of the dating scene to be “selfish”, I have been there, but for me it was more a matter of self preservation. I have also had to sideline myself because I knew I was vulnerable and knew that I would get dogged…but that was only after it happened (and embarrassment ensued). I literally had to take emotional stock and think about what I was putting out there about myself. I wasn’t projecting that I was rebuilding or improving or growing, I was projecting brokenness and shame over where I was and how I had allowed myself to get to that point. I was also very confused and guilty because I didn’t want to feel like my self worth was so attached to my appearance. But the odd thing is, that once I started to take better care of myself and to care about my health (physical and emotional) I came to some really important realizations. And I made some crazy connections about not only what I put in/on my body but also the people I let into my life and how I spent my time and energy. It’s hard to explain, but it’s crazy what happens when you feel empty or unfulfilled…and how you try to compensate for that.
On the other side, I feel very…full…spilling over, so to speak. Like I can give because I love and not because I’m needed, or worse, because I’m needy. And I am able to put things in better perspective. I can cut out unhealthy relationships and step away from toxicity without guilt. It has become so much deeper than food and exercise because I have been forced to pursue health on so many levels. And I hope this doesn’t sound cliche, but as this transformation was happening (and I am a work still in progress), love blossomed.
I love myself, I love men, I love sex, I love food, I love to workout, I love my weightloss journey. For me, it is about balance, in all areas in my life and I encourage all women to go towards balance. If balance means sex go for it, if balance means abstinence then go for it, get it? There is more than one way to live, love, and be.
I have been enjoying all the attention I’ve been getting with my new figure, but it is also overwhelming at times. I don’t really want to settle with one suitor because I want to be free to date anyone I please. When I was 130+ pounds heavier (in the 300+ club) I saw what dating was like for my slim girlfriends and was glad to realize (for wisdom’s sake) that being slim wouldn’t make the mate selection process any easier. Rather, I would only have more men to choose from and more BS to sift through by default. I see that first hand now. Is it fun, flattering and ego boosting to be the object of appreciative stares and winks? Hell yes! However, I do have more pressing concerns in my life that don’t involve deciding who gets to take me out, who to call back, or what to wear out on the town. Plus, dating often involves dining out and cocktails which are unnecessary temptations as I crunch down my last 20 pounds or 10 inches. I’m VERY seriously considering keeping me all to myself for a while after reading this and evaluating my core needs at this point in my life. Thank you for the sagacious and valid perspective on the matter.
This is a big issue, for me. If you hide yourself away from the dating scene and concentrate on losing weight, what happens if you never lose the weight? or if it takes years and years? What happens if after the weight loss you still can’t get a date? plenty of single women are at very healthy/socially acceptable weights. And many of them can’t get/keep a man to save there lives. How would that leave you feeling? Haggen das anyone?!!!! So many unanswerable questions, so I decided rather than pondering these issues for too long I’m just gonna concentrate on eating healthy, exercising and getting to a more healthy weight, and let the cards fall where they may. I will Trust in myself to take good care of me and put it out there into the universe that you only want to attract people/lovers/mates that will be a loving supporter of you goals in life, weight loss being just one of them. I’m not going to wait for the weight loss to happen: I’M GONNA LIVE MY LIFE LIKE IT ALREADY HAPPENED!!. I’m gonna love what I’ve got and make the most of if, while I transition. I’m gonna do what I love, go to museums, art galleries, farmers markets, and if I meet someone nice, I’m not gonna let my weight stop me from going on a date. I not going to online date or anything like that but I will be more socially active. And if I meet someone then wonderful. Either way, you gotta love, the you, that you are right now.
It’s the same thing in these comments… over and over and over again.
Where did I say “wait until you lose the weight?” Did I say that, or did I say the following:
“I mean, I can understand a desire to date – if for no other reason but the sake of company and being sociable – but I wonder if there’s a part of a woman’s journey (and I specify gender there for a reason) where, if it’s extensive enough, she’d benefit from not dating. My journey was like literally demolishing a building and rebuilding it from scratch. Would you let anyone set up their home in your building, knowing that it wasn’t completely solid, sturdy or even able to provide adequate shelter? If a house is still being actively rebuilt, I wouldn’t rest my head in it.”
I didn’t say “wait until you lose the weight.” I said “take some time to figure out whether or not you require some emotional growth and development.” That doesn’t have anything to do with weight loss, and it doesn’t have anything to do with being skinny or not. Emotional shortcomings should cause ANY person – thin or otherwise – to step away from the dating scene.
All these excuses to not actually spend some time alone with yourself… and, really, it sounds more like you’re more interested with finding a man than finding peace when people imply that their mental health isn’t more important than dating. If you already have peace, I’d presume you’d understand what I’m referring to in this post, and realize that I’m not talking about you.
Seriously. Anything to avoid doing a mental assessment, I guess.
Um, the last question posed in your article was asking women if they dated or not while losing weight. It sounds like this poster and many others answered your question and you keep chastising them for it.
It seems that many people felt that they weren’t necessarily rebuilding themselves, or that they shouldn’t wait to try to find love even if they were. Some did feel the need to stay focused on themselves. But how is that not answering your question? If not everyone feels that they must go through some complex emotional restructuring as they change their bodies, then why is that answer insufficient?
So if I was to answer your question, I’d say that for now I am not falling back because I feel as though I’ve spent my whole life falling back, and I don’t think I need to. I mean, if I decide that it gets to be too much, then maybe I’ll reconsider, and yes, some people will shed the partners that they are with or that they choose.
But how is this NOT answering your question and why is it that only the people who say that they are continuing and explaining why are getting criticized for that?
Maybe the better question and the one that you want answered is whether or not people think that they should get involved with someone if they are going through a big transformation and why did they decide that they can juggle both. Or you should ask people if they feel as though they are going through a complex journey and even need to shut new people out. Because not everyone feels the same way that you do about what is going on in their heads. That doesn’t mean that they are avoiding the work, but we are all different even if the exteriors look similar.
I think that the title of the article AND the question you posed are the reason why you are getting these answers, so maybe consider that instead of criticizing everyone who isn’t answering you the way that you want.
It’s not about “getting the answers I want.” This isn’t about me. I’m questioning a VERY specific thing, here.
When a woman implies that it is UNNECESSARY to assess someone’s mental capacity BEFORE they involve themselves in someone else’s life and BEFORE they involve someone else in theirs, I throw a flag on the play. Especially because my community has a habit of both downplaying mental health issues AND overemphasizing this “You’d better have a man ASAP!” thing I keep seeing. It’s more about them attacking the idea of not dating (as if to imply there’s never a reason to not date – again, flag on the play), not offering up what they’ve done and why.
YOUR comment isn’t “not answering” my question. This – “I’d say that for now I am not falling back because I feel as though I’ve spent my whole life falling back, and I don’t think I need to. I mean, if I decide that it gets to be too much, then maybe I’ll reconsider, and yes, some people will shed the partners that they are with or that they choose.” – didn’t downplay the need to assess your own ability to handle what you’re taking on. There is a difference. Glad you asked, because I’m sure you’re not the only one who figured as much.
Wow, this topic got a little heated. I left a comment a while back and I think it was misunderstood. I was really writing to affirm my choices about the future. I wasn’t really answering the question as much as stating my opinion on the subject. I, like many of the folks who have commented understand that this is a difficult subject at best. I am like the character from Waiting to Exhale. The one played by Loretta Divine. At first I didn’t date because I had way to much to do. Raise a set of twins, finish college, go to work, pta, swim classes and all that jazz, as a single parent, btw. By the time I had gotten all that out of the way, I had become a relationship hermit. I gained the weight and now I feel like I have to get rid of it to met the kind of man I want. I’ve spent the better half of my adult life doing the work to help me grow as a person. Now I’ve got a whole other challenge to work through. Weight loss.
I bring a different perspective when I say that I have decided that right now I am not ready to give a man what he deserves out of a relationship with me because I have yet to give myself all that I deserve. This is compounded with the fact that at 26, I have never been on a date or dated anyone seriously.
Now, I assure you I’m cute. I know I am. I’ve been hit on by some decent looking dudes but for my entire life I have ALWAYS let my wait get in my own way. So this comment in not about whether or not there are men out there that want me. It’s about me not being ready to put myself out there. I don’t like body right now and I don’t want to be with someone who would want my body the way that it is (329 lbs) right now. Please understand that I for the most part I love me. I know I’m funny, smart and a great friend to have. And as much as I would like to be in a relationship or at least date, I know that I have develop my love of self and self esteem before I expect anyone else to.
So Erika, to answer your question I find it extraordinarily important to take a step back and evaluate one’s self and their WLJ prior to a embarking on a dating life. Again, it took me a long time to figure out why I kept men at a distance and now that I know why I can work on it to make the best me possible.
I love love love this topic. a little about me i’ve been a bit large for all of my life. I stand at 5’10..I wear alot of 4 inch heals..so image this 230lb solid woman..already tall..wearing heals. I’ve never been below a size 14..and the only time i attract attention from men was when i was all done up while being my smallest (size 14 pushing to a 12). Right now…im back to being a 16 and honeslty..this topic is correct an on the head. Men just arent “seeing” you if your larger..for my case large AND tall.
I am not dating right now because weight loss (yes i am actively back on the road to my size 14 pushing into a 12) is just too much to deal with..to have a man around. It’s really psychological and it just require me to focus on what i’m eating..what is motivating me to eat along with..attacking alot of my personal issues as it really relates to my weight. So weight loss. coupled with learning me, AND going to grad school and a new career change…umm yeah. I dunno call me crazy…but i think i will be capable to date when i’ve dropped these pesky 30 pounds, and near the close of my grad school career.
I never attracted the men i wanted to date..because most of them prefer “pettite”. That I am not. The men I did attact where very much over weight and felt that because I was a large tall girl i would settle on them. I did “fool around” with a attractive looking man who was tall and slender but he was a mess and half…but some reason he liked tall “thick” women. So I knew my size wasnt an issue. But then I wonder..when I lose the weight and start attracting whole new set of men…will they really be genuine..and where were they when I was larger…and is there a whole new head space of competition to deal with? I have smaller sister friends…who are single and attract men nice looking men who I would not pay for all the tea in china to deal with. I dunno know..
but yeah..i chose not to date during weight loss..because to much emotional and mentail changes are going on. Shucks, it’s like renovation. I did not sleep in my condo until everything was done and too my liking.
*i loooooove this blog by the way. this site had motivated me to keep pressing on in my weight loss journey*
I haven’t dated in several years. At first, it was by choice. As the years went on and I gained more weight, I became a hermit. My only male interactions were limited to family members and work colleagues. Until recently, I just began to vocalize my desire to date. However, I don’t like my body at this size. I’m uncomfortable with it. My outward appearance is fly and my demeanor is super confident; but, I know that I project my dislike of my curreny body size to the universe making myself unattractive to men. I am a firm believer in ‘you are what you think.’
I know I’ll feel more comfortable dating when I’m a smaller size. This will affect my behavior, attitude, and actions. If I’m digging me, then men will as well.
Right now I’m so focused on one losing weight and two adding a DDS at the end of my name so I haven’t been dating. I have been pretty lucky to meet some pretty fabolous guys who accepted me as I am even though I don’t accepted me. Some how I have balloon in a weight I have never been in my life and a size I don’t feel comfortable at and I’m not even 30… I have started eatting healthier and hitting the gym atleast 3 times a week.I did a big chop on my hair and I’m looking foward to the new me..so I think i ‘ll wait a little longer to really get out there and start dating at this point I don’t need any up sets to send me off the cliff into a world wind of unhealthy goodies…
Call me shallow if you choose but I have believe in calling out the big elephant in the room so it can be dealt with. I recently met a great guy that is overweight to the point where he takes meds for HBP and Chol. He asked me how I felt about him/his situation. I was honest and told him that I have always been attracted to people who value their health/wellness. Elephant #1: The usual topic of genetics came up and I get that. However, if you are not your proper weight, making proper food choices and have an active lifestyle then you don’t know if your illnesses are genetic or not. Elephant #2: HBP meds can affect a man’s ability to perform in the bedroom and I went there. He told me that there is a pill for that. I asked him if he actually heard himself. You are taking meds for what might be controlled with lifestyle changes and then you are willing to take a pill to combat some of the well-known side effects of the pills you may not even need to take with a few changes. WOW! That was not sexy in any way, shape or form. I believe that we all look for what appeals to us and I’m not mad at any man or woman who chooses to look at the outer because it may be a big indication of what’s going on inside at least healthwise. Ignoring the inner beauty of a person, male or female, is a huge mistake but we don’t get to that until later…ijs and keeping it real
The thought to NOT date never crossed my mind. I have a good amount of self confidence and when i was at my biggest, I was still sexy. Men respond to a woman with confidence, regardless of her size. True, the more weight you loose, the larger the pool of men who find you attractive. But the idea that a woman should stop dating just because she’s losing weight and trying to be healthier doesn’t resonate with me. If you had self esteem issues as a big person, those issues can still follow u as u slim down. What the focus needs to be on is how we see and treat ourselves.
Stumbled upon your blog because a friend merely “liked” it on Facebook using that crazy live stalking feature. But, boy, was I glad that she did. I have really loved snooping around, and have to say that this particular post makes an excellent point that I think was well-divided and outlined: that while weight does play a factor into attraction, it needn’t play a factor in terms of value. We have to get to a point where we are not drawing value externally based on unrealistic expectations (though, I’d contend drawing them externally is a problem in and of itself). If we reach a point where we are satisfied with our personal brand of beauty, in all its transitions and forms, then deriving some value externally can work to a point. But really our value doesn’t have to link with our attractiveness at all – and I think that is an excellent way to divide the issue. Divorcing attraction from value is a critical point that you have touched on. Cheers.
I am so glad I saw this post. I am struggling with the same sentiment. My spin is that I’m now 37 and feel like my weight has held me back from love for the better part of my dating life. Now that I am clearly ready to wife and mommy up- I find my options limited. I want to lose weight to have my “outside” reflect how I feel about myself on the “inside.” In my opinion, like you Erika, I felt like I was not able to attract the caliber of man that I wanted. I had to defer to the guys who liked “big girls” or didn’t mind the extra pounds. I realized at some point that I, myself, didn’t like being a “big girl” (hate that phrase!) so I wouldn’t like a guy who liked me. Twisted but a huge part of my “coming to Jesus” that has put me on this path. I am starting with wanting to lose 70 pounds. I am starting with the first 50- which I know will take some time.
I am wrestling with a crush on a great guy at work but even through our flirting, there is a part of me that wants to wait to see if/when this thing could reach it’s tipping point and part of me that wants to wait until I am in my best shape- phsyically and emotionally- since I’m not just looking for a casual fling. Although, I project confidence, I’m not sure I really feel it when I think “he could have that girl” or “why would he want a “big girl” when he could get a thinner, prettier, more socially acceptable girl.” I know, I know. This is MY issue, not his. So, is it right for me to project that issue onto him when he just comes by for a flirt and nice conversation a couple times a week? If he woke up tomorrow and asked me out, would I feel comfortable or would I find some way to sabotage it because I don’t feel good enough. I can’t get past the feeling that ‘maybe he’s just being nice to the fat girl at work’ and me thinking that HE is thinking ‘poor girl.’
So, no conclusion has been made
This is a discussion that I’ve been wrestling with in my own head. After attaining my graduate degree, I had gained almost 40lbs. A year after that, I had my heart broken and decided to pull back from dating due to my feelings. During that time, I began meditating and I lost all the weight and became the healthiest I had ever been.
Now I’m in a loving relationship and I’ve gained 20lbs of that back and working towards losing it. I can’t pull back, because I’m in love, but I have noticed that this weight loss journey is different from my last. Someone else is along for the ride and all the psychological issues that I meditated through on my own are now part of our relationship.
Most long-term weight loss journeys require you to choose the road less travel and you grow stronger in many ways. This time, while I’m dating, I’m choosing to use this journey and all the psychological challenges that come along with it as a practice in relationship transparency.
Regardless if you chose to pull-back, completely abstain or even increase your dating during your journey, you should always be working to be the best you possible. It makes it easier to spot the impostors.