Pilar Sanders, my fit inspiration!

I’ve written about motivation before. I know I have. I’ve written about being “motivated” into shrinking down to fit into a dress. I’ve written about experiences that have compelled me to get my act together – I know I have – but I can’t help but wonder.

Merriam-Webster defines motivation as:

Main Entry: mo·ti·va·tion

Pronunciation: \ˌmō-tə-ˈvā-shən\

Function: noun

Date: 1873

1 a : the act or process of motivating b : the condition of being motivated
2 : a motivating force, stimulus, or influence : incentive, drive

“A positive, motivating force within your life,” right? I guess.

I’m not going to sugar coat this at all. The idea of being “motivated” into some giant whirlwind of fitness… does not work for everyone. Some women are raised in such a vacuum of “focus on being skinny!!!!111!1″ that they fall into fitness. Some women are truly raised in such a healthy environment, that proper nutrition and fitness is all they know… and they trust their upbringing enough to not stray too far away from that. Some women can identify that one catalyst in their lives that makes them say “Enough is enough!” and get down to business.

And then… there are women like me. Overweight for all of their adult lives, had all the health risks and reasons to compel me to do what I needed to get on top of my health, and just… couldn’t do it. I don’t know if it was a feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, laziness or flat out “I’m-too-fine-to-focus-on-losing-this-booty”ness… but whatever it was, it wasn’t compelling me to make any changes.

It wasn’t until I had a very heartfelt conversation with the owner of the gym I eventually joined – a conversation about me – that I realized I had every reason in the world to compel me to lose weight and live my healthiest life.

I think about every lull I’ve experienced in my own journey. That point where you slow down and start getting bored, start feeling blah, whatever it may be. “I’m waiting for my muuuuuuuse….. I need to be inspiiiired…. I need motivaaationnn….” as I ate some stuff I had no business eating. I was looking for something outside of myself to solve a problem that could only be solved by looking inside of myself. I wanted something other than me to have the responsibility of compelling me to do what I needed to do for me.

That’s stupid.

I wanted something to inspire me. Something other than me to tell me what I needed to do for me. I didn’t want the responsibility of telling myself to just pick my behind up off the couch and go, for some reason, as if that would’ve been too much ownership of the situation. I needed to wait on my epiphany. I needed to wait. And while waiting, I was doing nothing. Wasting time. Doing what I knew I shouldn’t be doing… while I waited on the thing that would come tell me to do what I knew I should be doing.

Doesn’t that sound silly?

At the point where I knew I needed to eat better, knew I needed to get in my daily activity… waiting for something to compel me to do right by myself is foolish. If you know you need to do it, no matter how thin or overweight you may be, why shortchange yourself? It’s almost like giving yourself an intentional break with the excuse of waiting on inspiration to behave properly.

I have inspirations. My pole intructor? She’s my inspiration to be stronger. Giada DeLaurentis (of Food Network fame) is my food inspiration. Seriously… that woman cooks her behind off and manages to keep her shape. Deion Sanders’ wife, Pilar? She’s my fit inspiration. Her body is incredible, and she’s had like 40 kids. (More like 3, but good grief. Same difference.) No one can make me get up but me.

No person or thing is more compelling than my health. Nothing – no strength, food or figure – is more important than ensuring that I’m around for as long as possible. I put myself first like that. I am my motivation. I own it.

It’s like a change in language is in order. Something else shouldn’t make you act right. YOU make you act right. Those types of women that I mentioned before? Those women were inspired. An outside source inspires you. Preservation of one’s body and one’s health is the motivation. Always. To me, that’s the most important source of motivation – the most compelling reason to live healthily – that there is.

What do you think? Am I off base here? Is there a difference between motivation and inspiration? Is it just word play and semantics? Let’s hear it!

The “Take 10 More Minutes” challenge is important to me. I’m a believer in the concept of learning how to take time for myself, because it teaches me to value my needs just as much as I value the needs of the people who depend on me.

I know that in the beginning, I was always told that old – and by old, I mean caveman-esque – line of “How can you take time away from your family for you? How could you be so selfish?”

Um, the same way I’d take time away if I had to make money. No one would complain about that, right? Because that would be better for the house, right?

The notion that I shouldn’t take time away from everything simply to make sure that I’m OK, to me, basically implies that I’m a robot – no feelings, no emotions, no needs that need tending to. It says that my purpose is being filled elsewhere – my purpose is being filled by handling everyone else’s needs – and that there’s no reason for me to do anything else.

I don’t buy that.

I spent some time looking at how I care for my daughter. As a single parent, I’m always aware of the fact that I am who my daughter depends on all day, every day. To some, that looks like justification to pour all of themselves into their child, but to me – especially as the Mother of a young girl – it’s all the more reason for me to take extra special care of myself. How can a broken woman teach a girl to be a whole woman?

I know my shortcomings. If I am emotionally worn down, my patience is limited. If I am stressed, my tolerance is low. If I am frustrated, the last thing I want to do is educate or enlighten someone (and risk becoming that much more frustrated.) She is a child – she demands my patience, my wisdom and my tolerance. If I bring my shortcomings to our doorstep, I’m denying her that which she needs to grow. By denying myself the care I need, I’m neglecting my family’s needs.

I believe in ten minutes. I’ve even learned to take several bouts of ten minutes throughout the day. In the morning, I take ten minutes to practice yoga to help me stretch and wake up in preparation for my workout. Around 8, I take ten minutes to decompress and organize what I’ll be doing for the day. Around noon, I take ten minutes and pace up and down the stairs to help me zone out and relax while getting a little exercise in. After naptime, we take a ten minute jog around the neighborhood to help the little one wake up (because I’m not tolerating grouchy toddler attitude by any means). I take ten minutes during cooking dinner to decompress and read/count/dance with my daughter.

I keep a jam-packed schedule, but I know full well that if I don’t tend to and take proper care of me, I am no good to anyone. I can’t justify taking a ten minute jog with my heathen daughter if I don’t take ten minutes in the morning to properly organize my day. I can’t enjoy dancing with or reading to her if I am so frustrated with how my day went. I can’t remember all the ways I need to care for her, if I fail to care for me. It’s literally like running your car 4,000 miles past the point where you should’ve gotten an oil change. Something’s gonna blow pretty soon.

I mean, I get it. I’m a “strong Black woman.” I can have everything, be anything, do everything and anything. Yeah, I get it. But with all that “everything,” shouldn’t that include being able to take ten minutes out to tend to myself and make sure that I’m around in optimal enough condition to “have everything, be anything, do everything and anything?” Seriously, here.

So to me, taking ten minutes is a representation of my desire to tend to myself. Not using it to sleep, but to sort out my life and how I can include all the things I need – fitness, food, love, enjoyment, achievement – in order to be a more agreeable and productive person. I use my ten minutes to show myself some love. Tell me – how do you use your ten minutes?

My arch nemesis...goldfish crackers! Credit: Lin Pernille

Regardless of what might’ve introduced you to this rule, I’m sure you’re familiar with it in either of its two forms.

In the first form, it says that you will always see 80% of your results from 20% of your work. While that definitely applies in fitness – specifically since eating properly is easily the most important of developing a fit life – this isn’t the version I’m addressing today.

What I’m embracing today, is the version of the 80/20 rule that says you shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Look at it this way. During the Clean Eating challenge, I had a lot of people send me e-mails about how they were doing soooooooo well with the challenge until they encountered the [insert processed food] or until they drove past the [insert fast food joint.] At that point, they realized that they had failed, and gave up on the challenge.

What?

A few weeks ago, I wrote that I don’t believe in the concept of “cheating” on your clean eating, and I meant that. Let me quote something I said there:

People who take on temporary diets to lose a few pounds, only to revert right back to the habits that caused them to pack on the pounds in the first place… they “cheat” their diets every now and again. They “cheat” and eat the way they used to, because they’ve realized that they took on a diet that was far too restrictive for their natural liking – in a cold turkey kind of way, at that – and regress… without really learning anything from the situation altogether.

I can’t support that for a ton of reasons.

Firstly, it implies – like I mentioned – that you took on something too restrictive and too soon. Why? Are you trying to fit in a dress before the weekend, or are you trying to change things up so that you never have a problem getting in that dress again? Why did you go cold turkey? Don’t we know a gazillion people who’ve tried to cut things (namely smoking) cold turkey, only to regress because it was too much to bear?

Secondly, it implies that we don’t recognize that the habits/food items we used to “cheat” are the ones that got us in this mess in the first place! If I have committed to clean eating, decide to have a “cheat day” when I come home from work and have a TV dinner… y’know, because I’m sooooo tired and need to relax after a long day? C’mon, man! That ain’t gon’ cut it! The TV dinner might not even be that terrible – it’s not the food that’s the problem! It’s the habit. Coming home and not having anything healthy prepped for you to take? Coming home and having the TV dinner in the house in the first place? That’s the kind of stuff that results in you hitting up a fast food joint.

So, having re-stated that… let me explain the 80/20 rule as it applies to fitness. You don’t give up 80% of all of what you’ve earned for the 20% that you don’t have! You don’t give up on what you’ve taught yourself simply because you haven’t learned to resist a few things, or because you haven’t learned to get up from the bed and hit the gym early or even because you can’t seem to put down the ice cream after a few scoops!

You’ve worked hard. You’ve read all my posts about processed food, and you know that some foods that you’ve lived for and grown to love are the foods that are getting in your way. You can’t just snap your fingers and expect to wake up one morning with all of those cravings to just go away! This isn’t a temporary deal – this is a lifestyle that you must embrace, and quitting on the whole thing simply because you can’t give up the scalloped potatoes (yes, I go hard on the scalloped potatoes!) is the most absurd thing you could do.

I used to have an addiction. I used to slaughter giant boxes of goldfish crackers. I mean, I could kill an entire small pack in one day’s time.

I can assure you I didn’t just wake up one morning with the ability to resist them. I’d buy them for my little one, and I’d spend an entire day creeping back and forth getting small handfuls of them. I’d spend all day going back and forth just getting one. Then, I only bought the small packages that came pre-wrapped (and subsequently felt bad about all the trash they created.) I eventually realized that I simply couldn’t come in contact with them, and stopped buying them. It literally took me a year to resolve my goldfish craving.

Let me put it into perspective: it took me a year to resolve my goldfish craving. It took me approximately 8mos to lose 100lbs. Had I taken that mentality of “Aw, I can’t give up my goldfish cravings, I might as well quit.. this is hopeless,” I’d still be 300some odd pounds. I would’ve given up 80% of my successes because of the 20% that I struggled with.

This is not about dieting. It’s about changing the lifestyle that allowed you to put on (and KEEP ON) the weight that you shouldn’t have on in the first place. So no, the concept of “cheating” is ludicrous… as is the thought that you should quit after completing 80% of the race because the 20% gets too tough. Don’t get hung up on the simple stuff. Not only is it a small hurdle in a long race, but it’s a hurdle that – with enough momentum – you can easily hop right over.

Yes. I said it.

High heels.

A pole.

…and me.

One of the things that I quickly noticed as I was losing weight, was the amount of activities that I wasn’t able to actively participate in because of my size or lack of muscle to sustain myself. I’ve written about my inability to lift myself out of a car without grabbing onto both the hood of the car and the top of the car door. I couldn’t get up from a seat without bracing myself. If I dangled from a cliff, I wouldn’t have the upper body strength to keep myself from plunging to my death.

I mean, okay… so the last one was in a dream, but shoot – I could hit a rock climbing wall! It could happen. I’m just sayin’.

Thanks to things like weight training/weight lifting, I’ve been able to fix that. I have the core strength (your core includes abdominal, back and pelvic muscles) needed to withstand most of what I throw at my body. I have the leg strength I need to get through a lot of my daily activity. My upper arm strength might not have me scaling a rock climbing wall in under 10 minutes, but I’m getting there.

At least… I thought I was.

This past Saturday, I decided to attend a pole dancing class. That’s right. Pole dancing. Conservative thoughts aside (for now), I have to admit that this class not only wore me out, but left me sweating and miserable… miserable in that “I got my behind kicked so hard that I don’t have the energy to be happy about it” kind of sense.

I know there’s someone who wants to know what on Earth compelled me to take pole fitness (the correct term), of all things.

A couple of weeks back, I got to visit one of those “Girls’ Night Out” parties that included all kinds of non-fitness related conversation… although I’m sure that if you engaged in the topic enough, you could burn a few calories. Just sayin’. The last portion of the party consisted of all of the girls watching a pole fitness routine – yes, on a nice big silver pole – and learning a trick or two of our own. As someone who’d never even touched a pole before, I was probably more excited than I should’ve, and instead of hogging all the time to myself I decided to sign up for the classes.

Yes, that's my instructor up there showin' off!

My class, hosted by Angela of Enticement Unlimited (Indianapolis), was actually pretty awesome. All I needed was my shorts and my pumps. (Those pink heels above were not mine. I was trying to get in my workout… not fall to my death.) We started out with a warm up that consisted of some pretty serious aerobic activity that had me sweating not even five minutes in. Lots of relaxing stretches to help me calm down and settle into what was about to be demanded of my body.

Did I learn how to spin on a pole? Yes. Did I learn how to do any tricks? I sure did. Did I love it? My gosh, you have no idea. I mean, you’re in a room full of women who want to get in some activity, maybe learn a few tricks to take home to “The Boo” or merely are interested in having a good time. Neither weight loss nor “OMG what will she think if she sees me doing this move too well? She’s gon’ think I’m a ho!” was on anyone’s mind in that room. It was a place of Black girls of all sizes getting it in and having fun laughing at our successes and failures on the pole.

The instructor was awesome. She paid attention to our slip ups and seemed actively interested in helping each of us execute the moves properly. I know some people complain about unattentive instructors or not having enough time to learn their routines… I’d say those were bad classes. I left my class not only excited to attend again, but really looking forward to becoming a better pole-er.

I’m sure there’s someone reading this with their face turned upside down about how slutty this is, or how this isn’t fitness. I can assure you – as someone who lifts weights twice a day, practices yoga everyday and runs every single day – you are wrong about both. Today is Tuesday – my class was Saturday and I am still sore. The amount of upper arm strength it requires to lift and hold yourself up in the air, the amount of thigh strength it takes to execute the following:

Tell me those boots aren't awesome. You'd be lying.

…and the amount of core (again: ab, pelvic and back) muscles needed to hold yourself up in the above position with no hands? Please. This is an aerobic workout of the highest degree. And the thighs that you develop from all that? That’s what I’m really looking forward to, here.

Yes, that is me... scared to death!

But it’s sexy… it’s unheard of… it sets back the movement… I don’t want to be objectified. So what if it’s sexy? Even the most conservative of us know that there is a time and a place for sensuality and sexuality… so where do you learn to tap into your sensual side? What would the harm be in taking a move or two (or a pole, for that matter) home to “The Boo” to appreciate? Like I’ve said before, I find it hard to believe society has a sensible understanding of appropriateness in sensuality and sexuality – a woman can’t enjoy something sensual or sexual without being some kind of slut or whore – and I’m not going to sit around twiddling my thumbs while they figure it out. I’ll be getting my workout on.. probably on a pole.

I’m just not willing to let something silly like stereotypes or pre-conceived notions or pettiness get in the way of my getting fit and finding an enjoyable way to do it. For crying out loud, had I let “society” get in my way earlier in the game, I’d still be 300+ lbs. I’m good on my own.

So, I say to anyone (who can shed a little insecurity and ignore misconceptions about pole fitness) who is looking for a unique and fun way to get in some activity, do a little digging. Find a good pole fitness class in your area and check it out. And don’t be afraid to enjoy it. I know I’ll be going back… I might even try to get on this girl’s level:

Trust me. I’m on it.

I think about all of the conversations I’ve had about health and my weight over the course of my life. Who I talked to about my weight, who I let advise me on how to lose it and how I expressed my desire to lose.

I never verbally stated how much I needed to lose, I’d only say that I needed to lose weight. I never publicly addressed my weight. Not like it was “anyone’s business” anyway but in public conversations about health, I kept a very quiet seat. I don’t know if it was because I had nothing intelligent to add to the conversation (as I was, admittedly, clueless about my health) or if it was because I didn’t want to be caught dead participating in a conversation about health and weight loss. Actually, I do know. I was embarrassed.

The one person I would always take my weight loss issues to… well, let’s just say she had a habit of mocking my thighs, calling them “elephant legs.” This only resulted in me hiding up in my corner – not wanting to burden my closest loved ones with my whining about my weight, not wanting to let anyone know that I publicly acknowledge and admit this weakness I have. This…. problem… that I can’t quite wrap my brain around.

I’m still not sure if I was “faking it ’til I learned how to make it,” to be honest. I know that I wrote about this before, but I disassociated myself from the notion that I needed to value myself based on my outer appearance because I was doing so many amazing (tooting my own horn, thank you very much) things in my community. It allowed me to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-worth without letting one of those 386,170 unhelpful things get in the way of me developing a healthy understanding of who I am and what I could contribute to my world.

Think about that, though – American society, apparently, hits us with 386,170 messages in one year that being overweight means you have a problem. You are the problem.

Just look at this:

I chose a typical day – I went to the grocery store, I was on the internet for business and for personal surfing, I drove for a couple of hours with the radio on.  I was on Facebook and Livejournal.  I don’t watch regular TV (with commercials) so there is none of that.  I purposefully didn’t go to any websites that were specifically about weight or weight loss, any comments that I read were attached to news stories that had nothing to do with weight or weight loss (for example, unprovoked what I can only call  fat bashing abounded on articles about healthcare legislation that had nothing to do with weight).  I only included examples that stated things outright (so I did not include, for example, magazines with page after page of thin models, even though I think that sends a  pretty strong message that thin is the only body type that is beautiful). Examples are only counted in one category.

• Messages stating that it is impossible to be healthy at my weight:  217

• Messages stating that my weight makes me unattractive:  123

• Messages stating that I am lazy and don’t exercise/don’t exercise enough, lack will power, or am not “in control”:  311

• Messages stating that I need to reach a specific BMI to be healthy:  36

• Messages stating that I am a drain on the health care system:  116

• Messages stating that I have poor eating habits:  84

• Messages suggesting that I should be “repulsed by my weight” [used those words specifically]: 19

• Messages calling me a derisive name:  152

• Messages saying something positive about people with large bodies:  3

• Messages that specifically shouted down those 3 positive comments: 231 (these are included in the categories above so they are not added into the total below)

Let’s review:

• Total messages about my body:  1061

• Total negative messages:  1058

• Total positive messages:  3

• About 353 negative message for each positive message.

If we extrapolate, I have been receiving:

• 7406 negative messages about my body each week

• 31,740 negative messages about my body each  month

• 386,170 negative messages about my body each year

[source]

Is it hard to fathom that someone like me, arguably almost 200lbs overweight, would intentionally avoid participating in conversations about health – not my health, but health in general – because I know that most of society looks at me through a fatophobic lens? Do I feel like they’d devalue my opinion, since I “obviously don’t know much?” Don’t they know how unhelpful this is, or do my feelings not matter because I don’t matter?

But see.. I have questions, in hindsight, about my perspective and how it affected me, too. I think about all the events and opportunities I passed up during my college years – things that might’ve helped me learn or be healthier – because I was afraid of being caught dead in the area. (Keeping it 100% real, I hated being seen in the gym, too.) “Oh yeah, I saw Erika at the Health Expo, with her fat ass.” I mean yeah, that’s young-minded for me to make decisions based off of that, but it’s equally young-minded to be adult women who make statements like that about others. So, I’m sayin’. We’re all reduced to gossipy self-conscious teenagers at one point in time or another if we allow ourselves to play this game.

I guess what I’m getting at is, I know that I was someone who was conscious of those messages that told me I’m “less than” because I’m not a swimsuit model. I wanted answers, but I was too embarrassed to do any asking. It felt like asking was a public admission that I am that person that those 386,170 things were about. Mind you, I am now someone who places a different value on society’s “messages,” but that’s because I have answers, now. Having those answers empowered me to think differently, and having a positive environment devoid of judgmental and negative messages allowed me to learn.

So, again, all I have at this point are questions. If we’re receiving all of these negative messages about our bodies, do people hide from or ignore their health as a means of “wearing a shield?” Do we contribute to a hostile environment (on either end) where we can’t have beneficial conversations about health with all these negative messages? And if you’re like me, are/were you embarrassed by being publicly concerned about your health? Do you think that your desire to “not be caught dead” at the gym/talking about self-care prevents you from advancing?

Y’know, I often wonder just how much of our body issues as women come from men.

Trying to attract men… or trying to keep a man… or trying to please a man.

This isn’t some man-hating thesis… I love my men just as much as the next hetero chick (or gay dude, for that matter) but for crying out loud, I have to set some boundaries in regards to just how much of my life revolves around them.

When I chat with women about fitness, we inevitably have the “boo” conversation.

“Hey… I’m just tryin’ to get a boo.”

“Girl, you’re crazy. I get plenty of boos right now with all this booty and all these thighs!”

Then, you get your skinny minnies joining the conversation and pissing everybody off:

“I just want thicker thighs, but I can’t eat all that cornbread! I’m tired of being called skinny!”

Sure enough, we all leave the conversation a little more angry, a little more tired, and a little more depressed than when we entered.

I see three major issues, here.

Firstly, to the woman losing weight solely to get the man – once you get the man, are you pretty much done caring for and maintaining your body? Are you going to skip the working out and eating properly because you “got your boo?” I mean, really – talk about a bait and switch. We’d be mad as sin if he (or she?) only opened doors and pulled out chairs to make us swoon and once he felt like we were deep enough in love, gave up on that stuff. Find yourself valuable enough to be a person worth pleasing. If you’re at a point where appearance is important, be invested enough in pleasing yourself with your appearance… that you’ll work to maintain it for all time. Not just for now… or until he puts a ring on it. Sure enough, you’ll be forced to adopt healthier choices and everyone will be healthier in the long run.

Secondly, to the woman who believes she doesn’t need to lose weight specifically because all the men are praising her frame. There is nothing worse than a woman who uses outside validation as an excuse for not keeping herself in check. It’s one thing to appreciate outside validation (“Oh, girl, you look great!” or the “Wow, you’re getting small!”), but to use it as the basis and/or grounds for decisions in my personal life? Unacceptable.

It’s bad enough that society tells us, on a daily basis, that the end goal for women is [not a successful career, not a dope loft in a bustling metropolitan city, not even CEO status.. but] a happy family and a man. It’s bad enough that we keep being told “Have babies or your eggs will shrivel up to nothingness and you will be worthless, girl!” Letting men (or any outside factor, for that matter) play such a huge role in how concerned (or unconcerned, for that matter) we are with our overall health is just doing too much.

When I first started out on my own path for weight loss, I had a supportive boyfriend. He wasn’t pushing me in either direction – in fact, I think he knew this was a journey I needed to figure out on my own for me. I needed to stand on my own two feet emotionally. I needed to support myself. I needed to be my own cheerleader first, and allow the support of others to come second. I’m thankful for that, because our relationship didn’t last. I can only imagine where I’d be had he chosen otherwise and I’d relied on him to keep me focused, because heaven knows I wasn’t that emotionally stable when it came to self-care. I just now happen to have the hindsight to appreciate how things worked out for me, and how I developed an ability to spot what I needed (notice all the italicized “I needed”s in this paragraph.) and how important it was to make sure that I had what I needed emotionally. No one takes care of you better than you. Ever.

And speaking of hindsight, now I know that the “support from others” is not only conditional, but temporary. Since you, shrinking down in size, means you might be looking more like them/better than them, they become less and less likely to cheer you on in the future. Just like how I wrote about friendships either helping or hindering our efforts to be healthier, those friends might’ve been keeping you around because [in some sick and twisted way] you made them feel better about not being… like you. Becoming a healthier version of yourself – regardless of whether or not that includes weight loss – not only shines an uncomfortable light on their own habits, but makes people feel competitive. Especially if they saw you as beneath them.

Not saying everyone is like that, but dang if it didn’t happen. Please believe the “Wow, you’re getting small!”s eventually turn into “Wow, you’re too skinny, now! Here, have some more [insert crap], girl. Eat up.” and behind your back? It’s probably “That bitch needs a cookie… or a cheeseburger.”

Now, I get questions like “So are you dating much more now that you’ve lost weight?” and get blank stares when I reply, “I’m not dating at all. I’m too focused on me right now to get to know anyone new.”

“Awww, girl, you’re wasting all that hard work!”

Aw, word? So.. my losing weight, escaping diabetes and hypertension, and changing my habits was… to expand my dating options? I mean, forget the fact that I wanted to make sure that if I needed to protect my child and I, I could. And forget the fact that I wanted to make sure that I’d be around long enough to see my grandchildren graduate college. And even forget the fact that I needed to know that I wasn’t actively contributing to my own demise all for the sake of something stupid like the kind of food I insisted on shoving down my throat.

My hard work was wasting because… I wasn’t dating. Priorities, people.

I’m convinced that there’s a conspiracy out there meant to prevent women from valuing themselves and their own opinions enough to be comfortable with shutting out society. Heaven forbid we be empowered enough to tell someone exactly where they – and their silly opinions – can go.

I think that we can all say that 80% of weight loss is eating properly. I think we can also say that for so many of us, our eating problems come from an emotional place. If there’s an emotional void, why allow someone other than ourselves to fill it? Why allow ourselves to rely on something or someone so flimsy?

Let’s be honest about it: no other person, no outside source of validation – whether you’re seeking that validation or already have that validation – can replace how we feel about ourselves… and if we feel like we need to tune up our habits, tighten up our physiques or eat better? Then we need to believe enough in ourselves, have enough faith in ourselves, and value our own opinions enough to make it happen. It’s as simple as that.

I know I’ve said this before, and everyone jumped down my throat… but I don’t believe in the concept of “cheating.”"Cheat days,” “cheat meals,” and the like? I don’t believe in ‘em.

Tomatoes... mmmm...

It’s ok to throw tomatoes at me. I’ll just make tomato bisque out of ‘em, anyway.

I think it’s appropriate to talk about “cheating” during a week where we’re committed to taking extra steps to eat healthier, cleaner and closer to the source because, honestly, so many of us are struggling with the vast amount of sacrifices we’ve had to make in order to do better.

No, I don’t believe in cheating. Cheating is a concept inherited from the “dieting” mentality… something else that I don’t agree with.

Allow me to explain.

People who take on temporary diets to lose a few pounds, only to revert right back to the habits that caused them to pack on the pounds in the first place… they “cheat” their diets every now and again. They “cheat” and eat the way they used to, because they’ve realized that they took on a diet that was far too restrictive for their natural liking – in a cold turkey kind of way, at that – and regress… without really learning anything from the situation altogether.

I can’t support that for a ton of reasons.

Firstly, it implies – like I mentioned – that you took on something too restrictive and too soon. Why? Are you trying to fit in a dress before the weekend, or are you trying to change things up so that you never have a problem getting in that dress again? Why did you go cold turkey? Don’t we know a gazillion people who’ve tried to cut things (namely smoking) cold turkey, only to regress because it was too much to bear?

Secondly, it implies that we don’t recognize that the habits/food items we used to “cheat” are the ones that got us in this mess in the first place! If I have committed to clean eating, decide to have a “cheat day” when I come home from work and have a TV dinner… y’know, because I’m sooooo tired and need to relax after a long day? C’mon, man! That ain’t gon’ cut it! The TV dinner might not even be that terrible – it’s not the food that’s the problem! It’s the habit. Coming home and not having anything healthy prepped for you to take? Coming home and having the TV dinner in the house in the first place? That’s the kind of stuff that results in you hitting up a fast food joint.

Embrace the fact that you are changing your life. You are not yo-yo dieting. You are not overindulging. You are not leaving yourself open to the risk of unpreparedness. You are definitely not going to gain the weight back.

You certainly aren’t “cheating.”

So… if I’m not cheating, what happens when I slip up?

First of all, it’s not a horrible thing. It’s not a “cheat” – because that implies that “it’s ok because I don’t do it often” – it’s a learning opportunity. Take a long, hard look at what you slipped up on. Take a look at why you felt that you “needed” it so badly. Analyze how you felt directly before and after you ate it. Did it help you feel better? Are you going to be hungry ten minutes from now? Was it empty calories?

Now, think about the future. Is this a good habit to maintain? Do you need to take some extra precautions to prevent this kind of trouble? Did you slip up because cold turkey just isn’t working for you? If you’re mad that you had that TV dinner when you know you’re supposed to be cooking, what extra precautions do you need to take to prevent it from happening again? You need to step your freezer game up, or have lighter dishes on hand. You need to have better snacks nearby to eat while you cook (yes, I do this too.) Embrace a salad instead. You know you’re supposed to do X, instead you do Y… so do what you have to do to make sure that you never forget that X.

I’m not talking about those situations where you just can’t get out of an eating mishap. I was hit with the example of a temperamental boss buying you a little birthday cake – can you really.. really turn down a slice? This isn’t cheating. This is acknowledging that life happens. While you may feel like you need punishment in the form of a supercardio session, this isn’t you indulging for no reason other than “I just wanted it.” Be reasonable in your assessment – if you feel like you’re giving yourself a pass for bad behavior, admit that. It’s a part of learning the lesson that comes with “cheating.”

In short, you don’t “cheat” a lifestyle. There is nothing ok about going against what you know you’re supposed to be doing, and making it “ok” because it’s “only for one day.” That doesn’t cut it. It’s half’ing it.

I hate this cliché (I hate all clichés) but really, this is a lifestyle change. For crying out loud don’t “cheat” it, because you’re only “cheating” yourself. So give yourself the time and patience it takes – the time and patience you deserve – to become accustomed to things you might’ve never tried.. never done.. never imagined. It’s so worth it.

Me, at the gym at midnight.. because I was too lazy to go earlier like I should've!

You know, I get it.

If I’m having a long day, I may forget to eat. That hunger hits me. I wander over to the donut table in the break room. I take the first bite… and the angels sing.

The chain of events is something like this: The problem presents itself. I take action. Immediate results. Immediate as in… right then and there.

Let’s see if we can apply the sentence in bold to another hypothetical imaginary situation.

I gain 40lbs. I “forget” to keep track of my fitness. The warning symptoms hit me. I start to work out. First day on the treadmill, and…

…nothing? What do you mean, nothing? Aw screw this, where’s the donuts?

I mean, I get it. The problem presented itself. I took action. Where are my immediate results?

What do you mean, I don’t get any immediate results?

This is why it’s so hard to stick to our fitness routines. We could work and work and work and work and work… and see nothing for weeks. It starts to feel like all of our hard work is in vain, and we only fall off with fond memories of how we busted our tails, failed miserably, and will probably skip giving it another shot. Whereas, if I am starving and I scarf down a giant triple whopper (1,200 calories, 88g of fat, 1,600mg salt)… I get my immediate satisfaction. Like, right then and there.

I am here to tell you, as straight-forward as possible. Screw all that.

If there is one thing that I have learned and am still learning, it’s that fitness requires a level of faith far beyond hope and silent thoughts. It requires you to put your all – your 100% – into something you may not see for weeks or, in cases like mine, months. It requires you to believe in yourself, what you are capable of, how you care for yourself and your ability to seek out and find what you need to better yourself. Fitness requires faith… in yourself.

You have to believe in yourself. Believe in your efforts. Believe that your goal is one worth achieving, because you are worth the effort it takes. It might not give you the same instant satisfaction as a donut, but consider the feeling you get when you turn that donut down. You slayed Goliath! You got a monkey off your back.

If the problem is the lack of instant gratification, get it from a good strength training workout. Get your satisfaction on the elliptical trainer. Get your release from some quick in-house cardio. Get your gratification from the pride you feel when, instead of devouring the entire pint of ice cream, you get a glass of water instead. (Yes. I said water.) Find new fitness-related ways to get your satisfaction, and you will always win. Every time.

So, just dive head first into it! You know you shouldn’t be eating [insert item you know you have no business eating], so put it away/throw it away and feel good about it. Heaven knows I’ve thrown away my fair share of food! You know you shouldn’t be skipping the gym, so go and feel victorious about that battle with the treadmill! You may not see the results today, but you will feel them today… and see them tomorrow! What helps you stick to your routine?

A little while ago, I asked the wonderful, amazingly awesome readers of this site who they allow to bring their weight to their attention. Lots of great comments, with a couple of standouts below:

I think people who really have your best intentions at heart are allowed to express their concerns to you about becoming healthier; however, there is a thing called tact! – Chanel

i’d rather not have anyone call me fat except for me. I decide when I need to hit the gym and i decide when and if i am happy with how I look. – Elledub

Honestly, though I may dislike hearing it, I think my family and friends should be allowed to call me fat. I’ll tell you why. As I’ve stated before (maybe not here, but on my blog or Twitter), I didn’t really notice the weight gain. I knew it was creeping up, but I still looked (in my mind) pretty good. When people started making comments, inclusive of a student that had absolutely NO tact whatsoever, I took stock in what they were saying and decided that I needed to do something about it. – Tracy

Honestly, anyone who loves me had better tell me if I’m picking up weight. – Winnie

I wish to God one of my friends or family members had had the courage to tell me I needed to do something about my weight a few years ago. [...] Now that most of the excess weight is gone, everyone is all “OMG, you look great”, but I can’t help but to wish someone had remarked on my weight before. But that’s easy to say on the other side of the fence… – Sister Toldja

I think that “other side of the fence” is a big part of this. As I wrote about the conversation between my Mother and my sister, it’s hard for me to think about what my response would’ve been to someone telling me I was gaining too much weight. I mean, I was a snappy chick… quick to rain jokes down upon the head of anyone who was willing to step to me about my weight. I could only imagine what kind of torrential terrible twenties tantrum fit I might’ve thrown had someone told me that I was any less sexy, dope, amazingly gorgeous, downright stunning and perfect than I believed I was in my own head.

And that’s not to say that being overweight means that I couldn’t be sexy, dope, amazingly gorgeous, downright stunning and perfect. It means that since I saw “fat” as a flaw (and let’s face it, most of us do), having someone remind me of a flaw I was diligently ignoring felt like the chink in my armor turning into a hole. And that’s, well… unacceptable.

I think of the countless times my girls tried to get me to hit the gym with them. My best friend, an avid runner, actually offered to walk with me one day. (Do you know how hard it is to get a runner to slow down for your slow behind?) My mother made side salads for dinner, while making sure that the more calorie-heavy parts of the meal were “all gone” by the time I’d go to fix my plate. Apparently, everyone had something to say… but no one was saying it. Meanwhile, I was gaining weight at a rate of about 20lbs a year.

Am I making that gain everyone else’s fault? Nope. It’s my body, my responsibility to learn how to care for it, and care for it properly. However, what kind of climate was I creating where the people around me couldn’t even tell me – in love and in kindness – that something was going on with me? Couldn’t express their concern for me?

Frankly, I ain’t the one. I can’t afford to be the one.

Let’s say that you and your girls are getting ready to hit a major event. Before you all walk out the door, you check each other out to make sure you’re all looking good. Isn’t the expectation that one of them will tell you if you’re the one looking a mess? We expect our friends to tell us if we’re looking a fool before we walk out of our houses, but they can’t tell us we’ve put on too much weight?

Is it the fact that we, as women, tend to be so objectified – everything has to do with sexuality and sexual appeal – that we’ve equated “you’re gaining weight” with “you’re unattractive?” Are we so used to everything being about attraction, that being told we’re packin’ on the pounds must also be about being attractive (or, in this case, less than attractive?) It couldn’t simply be a “Hey… check on your health.” type situation? It has to be about “cute?”

Or is it the fact that everyone’s threshold is different? Southerners have a different definition of “putting on weight” than Northerners. Miami’s definition is different from Houston. Mississippi wouldn’t understand California. An extra ten pounds vs an extra hundred or so. For someone to acknowledge that I’ve put on the pounds, when “put on the pounds” means “ten pounds” to them? I won’t even lie. They just might get the finger.

I think about myself now. I get at least one comment/email/tweet/anonymous whatever a week calling me a “fat bitch.” I usually laugh, but every now and again I raise my eyebrow and wonder… “Once upon a time, I couldn’t get people I love to tell me I was too big. Now, I’ve got strangers telling me I’m fat? What part of the game is that?” 330lb Erika might not’ve had that reaction. 180lb Erika, however… is tickled.

It goes back to that “other side of the fence” note I made earlier. Looking at the person I am today, I can acknowledge that this is the person I needed to be to get to where I am. Allowing the people I love to feel comfortable addressing my flaws might’ve helped me become this person much earlier on in my life. If I keep them close to me because I trust their influence to make me “better,” why exclude health? Why exclude weight? If the people who love me want to offer me solutions, why not be open to them? What do I have to lose?

And let me clarify.. I’m talking about people who love you. The ones invested in you as a person. The ones who are there for you at your worst. They deserve to be able to help make you better, and enjoy you at your best. We can talk about “haters,” but I fully believe they’re not worth talking about. Nor are they worth thinking about. People who mean you no positivity aren’t worth time or brainspace.

No, really. I mean that. So those family members who insist on spitefully bringing up your weight – the ones you know mean you no earthly good, and usually never have any support to offer you beyond “Yo booty gettin’ kinda big” – you can give them a polite “I’ll take that under consideration,” and change the subject… while mentally giving them the finger.

My plea is just that we not shut out the people who we trust to see the worst of us. Don’t prevent them from helping to develop the best in you: the healthy you! I’m talkin’ about those people who – like my friends (who, I’ll have you know, are still my tried and true friends fat or skinny) – are willing to walk through the fire with you, support you and offer you solutions to help you get to where you want to go. Where you need to go.

This journey isn’t one that we can go on alone. You will always need a support system that will giggle with you at your failures, cheer you on through your successes, and help you learn from both. You trust them to have your back, so trust them to tell you about something you might be overlooking… like your weight. If you love them and they love you (and you know it), give them a chance. They very well may have the answers, resources and support you need.

Be happy, but most importantly… be healthy.

One evening my Mother, sister and I sat at the bar in the house, and my Mother couldn’t stop staring at me.

“I’m just so proud of you. You just up and decided that you weren’t going to be big anymore.”

In an effort to not start smelling my own roses, so to speak, I shrugged it off.

“Hey, I would’ve never got moving had you not suggested that I hit the gym that had just opened. I only wish you would’ve done it sooner!”

At this point, my sister chimed in. “Now, you know full well you wouldn’t have listened if someone said to you ‘Hey, you’ve gained some weight.’ You would’ve flipped out!”

I don’t even remember what happened after she said that, because I’m still stuck trying to remember the person I was, and how I would’ve responded. I do remember responding to my mother’s suggestion about hitting the gym with a serious eyeroll (the kind where, if caught, you usually get slapped – grown or not).

So my question to you is, who’s allowed to tell you that you’re putting on the pounds? Even better, who’s not allowed to tell you you’re gaining weight? Have you been there before? Let’s chat!

Note: If you know me, you know there’s something coming behind this… so stay tuned! Check out “Who Do I Allow To Call Me Fat?”

Yes… because it has truly become an art form for me. Trying to diagnose when I’m hungry – truly hungry, and not just craving something because of a memory or a scent – then slowly determining just how hungry I am followed up with finding the proper item to feed my hunger? Yeah, that’s an art form. And once you’ve perfected it, your solutions may not look anything like mine or anyone elses – and that’s okay, trust me – but they will work for you.

How often do you snack?

It’s not how often you snack, it’s what you’re snacking on. You have to truly think about your day, and what you’re eating (and if you’re writing in a food diary, are you even including the little candies and cookies you snack on in your diary?) throughout the day. Every time you stick something in your mouth, you’re snacking. Is it candy? Is it office cookies? Are they empty calories – calories with neither nutrients nor real food (like cookies, cakes, candies)?

Consider how much time goes between your meals. Do you leave for work at 6am, with no lunch break until 1pm? Chances are, you might overeat at your 1pm meal because it’s been at least 7 hours since the last time you ate! We can’t have that!

If you know you’re goin to have a long day… plan! Prepare in advance. How?

Tools of the Trade

Let me tell you how I snack.

First of all, I keep food everywhere that I know I’d have a hard time convincing myself to not seek out a quicker, cheaper, less healthy option. Like… the car. Or… my desk. Perhaps, even, my kitchen. Yes.. the kitchen. If the name of the game is to avoid overeating, you head yourself off at the pass by providing little things that can quickly satiate an immediate hunger, and give you enough time to make sound decisions about what you want to eat. So for me, snacking helps curb that “hungry” feeling – if I avoid eating at the last minute (which is what causes that “hungry” feeling) and eat a little bit each time on a set schedule, I will never encounter that hungry feeling (or if I do, it’ll be rare) and I’ll never have a reason to overeat. I’ll never encounter that “Ohhh, I’m starving” feeling that usually propels me to overindulge.

What am I snacking on?

I keep a bag of grapes in the freezer. Why? Because they’re healthy, low-calorie, they take a while to eat and actually make me stop and think about whether or not I’m really hungry. I just grab a couple of frozen grapes, bite and chew them slowly (I’m quick to get brain freeze, so I’m careful and chew slowly) and before too long, I can assess just how hungry I am. Will I need only a few more grapes? Should I consider cooking? I get time to think about these things while I chew my grapes – slowly and carefully so as to avoid brain freeze! – and enjoy myself.

I keep a ziploc bag with half a cup (which is, essentially, two servings) of sunflower seeds in the bottom of my purse. Sunflower seeds are high in protein and fiber, so it doesn’t take a lot of ‘em to get you where you need to be. They won’t satisfy me if I’m having that “Grrr, I’m starving” feeling, but if I’m eating on my proper schedule, I should never encounter that feeling, right?

I keep a bag of freeze dried banana chips in the car. This is usually for both myself and my daughter, just in case I’m stuck in traffic. They’re naturally sweet, very nutritious, and very satisfying to me. I just eat them one at a time – even if it means I eat the entire little ziploc bag of ‘em.. I eat them one at a time. Remember, if I’m eating on my proper schedule, I should not have that ravenous “eat-six-at-a-time” feeling, right?

I keep cocoa powder in the house. Mix a little cocoa powder with water and confectioner’s sugar, and I’ve got chocolate sauce. Grab my strawberries, and ta-da! A nice light little strawberry and chocolate snack. Clearly, that’s a weekend thing. Not everyone has the time or means to make their own chocolate sauce during the week or after a long day!

The grocery sells sliced cantaloupe, so I keep some in the fridge. A slice or two usually tides me over for the next hour or two. In fact, if you don’t have time to tend to fruit yourself, those grocery store fruit salads might work pretty well altogether. A small one should help out pretty well!

What works for you?

These are a few things that, over time, have proven to work for me. I had to look at my routine. I had to check out my diary and see where I was the most vulnerable, and that’s when the answers started pouring out. Where do you find that you’re most vulnerable? What snacks tend to tide you over until your next meal?

Back in high school, my Mother was like the Iron Chef of the South… migrated way up north to the mid-west. She was always cooking. Baked ribs, fried pork chops and applesauce, fried chicken, steaks, roast beef, corned beef, cornish hen, polish boys.. It was seriously meat overload.

As a junior in high school, out of nowhere, I just opted to stop. I couldn’t take it any more. I decided to become a vegetarian. Of course, my Mom wasn’t havin’ that, so she [spitefully] went into meat overload. Everything had meat in it. It seriously was the pork-flavored broccoli episode all over again. If left up to my mother, I wouldn’t be eating squat.

I had to come up with a plan. Something that would allow me to move toward eating healthier, and becoming more able to control my eating habits. I needed an answer. For crying out loud, she was putting bacon grease in the corn! I needed SOMETHING! (My Mom is a gangsta. My impending vegetarianism was like a new gang moving in on her turf. After too long, I started to expect a horse head in the bed.)

So, here’s what I did.

I chose one day out of the week where I chose to not eat meat. This gave me the chance to prepare for that one week …every week. I’d know this day was coming. I could mentally prepare for it. If I knew my mother was cooking that day, I’d try to find a healthier alternative that couldn’t interfere with her throw-down session.

From one day a week, I went to two days a week. Tuesday and Thursday (the days Mom was least likely to cook), I’d skip meat. I went from Tuesday and Thursday, to Saturday and Sunday. I skipped meat on the weekends. This taught me how to get used to consecutive days without eating meat.

From two days, I went to 3 – Monday, Wednesday, Friday. No meat.

From there? I went straight to only eating meat on the weekends. I was used to consecutive days without meat, and was now used to regular week days without meat. It was getting easier, and I became more used to simply not indulging in Mom’s good stuff. She also started to respect my eating habits more, and began setting aside little bits of dishes for me before she added the meat. It started to feel more natural.

After a while, meat was no longer a major issue for me. Only allowing myself to enjoy it on the weekends gave me the reason I needed to really just forget about it altogether. Meat became a treat – something to enjoy only when I dined at a restaurant. Eventually college arrived, and since everyone hits broke-college-kid status, I stopped dining out.

As I’ve said before, I’m a full-time believer in natural progression. I don’t think that lifestyle changes – the kind that produce healthy results and are long-lasting – can happen overnight. Specifically, when you’re talking about things that will affect habits that you’ve had your entire life, you can’t possibly expect to change that overnight. Just don’t do it to yourself.

Vegetarianism, much like any other dietary restriction, requires patience. Be patient with yourself when enacting a new plan. You deserve that much!

No matter where you turn, you’ll find someone who is making that same tried and true resolution.

This year, they’re going to lose weight.

That’s right – they’re going to hit the gym seven days a week. They’re going to turn vegetarian (or vegan) and eat better. They’re going to lick this thing.

And it usually lasts, what? Two months tops? Three if they’re lucky?

The reality is this – some people like start dates. Nothing is wrong with using the start of a new year to signify the start of a major change in one’s life. However, we can’t treat those changes the same way we treat the holiday – once the novelty of the day wears off, so does the resolutions. We can’t do that to ourselves.

What we also cannot do is spend a short amount of time going hard in the gym, or wildin’ out on a crazy diet hoping to get rid of that last little bit of weight. We can’t adopt something only to quit in a few months because we’ve burned out, or because we made changes that were too drastic and were unbearable.

You have to realize that there’s something in your lifestyle that allows that weight to stay on. The issue isn’t the fact that you need to burn off this little bit of weight super fast – the issue is that you need to take a long, hard look at your lifestyle and start making changes that will lead you in the direction of not only achieving your goals, but maintaining them. Make sense?

So instead of making a resolution that involves a gym membership that you’ll only use for ten weeks, what kind of resolutions are much healthier?

Ones that can last. Baby steps. Resolve to hit the gym at least three times a week, if you’re opting to make use of a membership. If not, resolve to go walking for a half an hour a day. Resolve to avoid junk food one day a week. Gradually move up to 2 days, then 3, then allow yourself only a couple of days a week when you eat fast food or junk food. I promise you – you’ll feel so good after accomplishing those simple tasks that they will not only become a part of your regular routine, but natural progression on it’s own will lead you to increasing your own intensity.

Resolve to think before you put food in your mouth. Resolve to drink an extra glass or two of water each day. Resolve to eat breakfast every morning. Promise to get a healthy night’s rest. Try to take the kids to the park at least once a week, and while they’re playing? Walk laps around the playground (this one is mine!) Don’t just burn yourself out in the gym. Don’t just jump on the grapefruit diet. Definitely don’t expect a quick fix to change what a lifetime created.

Approach the new year with a positive attitude. Trust in the fact that this is the year you will treat the one body you have for a lifetime… as if it is, in fact, the one body that you will have for a lifetime. You want it to be (and look) healthy forever, so take the time to develop habits that you can maintain forever!

I’d like to talk about something that I think is pretty important when it comes to weight loss and changing our eating habits. However, I think this is different because I’m talking about the habits we don’t necessarily know that we have.

Let’s talk about breakfast for an example. If you think about the average day, do you know how many decisions you make when it comes to food? Think about it. Within at least an hour of waking up – whether or not you’re going to eat breakfast, whether or not you’re eating cereal, which cereal you’ll choose, how much you’ll eat, whether you’ll add sugar, how much milk to use, whether or not you’ll have a second bowl – you’ve made at least 7 decisions, and usually those are all bundled up in a 3 minute time frame. How often do you stop in between each of those and think about what each choice will do for your health?

Let’s consider lunch, next. The average work day includes what kind of decisions? Whether or not you’ll drink the office coffee, whether or not you’ll add sugar, whether you’ll add cream, whether you order lunch with your co-workers, where you’re going for lunch, whether you’re going fried or baked, meat or no meat, carbonated drink or juice (or water.) Again, another speedy set of decisions.

How much forethought do you give to the choices you make each day when it comes to food? Are you mindlessly ordering “what sounds good?” If so, do you consider what makes something “sound good?” Is it usually the fattening, creamy, fried, or junk-food filled option that “sounds good?” Is it something “exotic?” Is it something that’s going to set you back in your weight loss goals?

And before you say, “A little potato salad can’t set me back that much, can it?” Let me tell you – walking for an hour (approximately 263 calories) doesn’t burn 1 cup’s worth of potato salad. And just so that we’re working off the same understanding of what “1 cup” is, the average American coffee cup holds well over 1 cup of coffee. Just sayin’.

Really, the important thing here is to simply stop and think. We’re such an automated society, that we forget that some things simply should not be automated, because those shortcuts wind up shortchanging our collective health. When you wake up in the morning, check to see if there’s any grapefruit, or get out of bed the first time the alarm goes off so that you can spend a little time making breakfast. Don’t simply put yourself on auto-pilot throughout the day.

Once you’re thinking about what you’re putting into your body, use those new opportunities to make healthier decisions. Opt for something baked instead of fried. Skip the morning cream and sugar in your coffee, and maybe opt for a blend with a flavor that might not need it. Those three changes right there can save the calorie counting conscious consumer about 400 calories.

So I say to you, give yourself a little time to think about you. Think before you pour that drink, before you grab that soda, before you grab that cereal box, and before you pull up to that drive-thru. Just ask yourself, “Could there be a better option right now?” That alone is a wonderful start.

If you couldn’t tell, I’ve always been a bit of a writer. Beside my desk, I have a bookshelf with a slew of old binders, composition notebooks, all kinds of note pads. Notes I’ve scribbled about events, ideas, places, people… myself.

I was well over 200lbs graduating high school. I often wore sweats because I didn’t want to try too hard to dress like/look like everyone else, and then get mocked for being “so fat” and trying “so hard.” (This photo is me, at a very happy 240lbs.)

I remember my mother’s frustration with my size – I was a size 9 in the 4th grade, and we thought it was kinda funny that I was built like a grown woman… until I started getting grown woman attention. Sure enough, that was the point where I started trying to hide myself. Before I knew it, my Mom moved us to a more upper-class area where everyone was healthy, and I was so busy trying to hide myself that I simply never noticed. I never noticed that I put on about 60lbs throughout high school.

I mentioned that I’ve always been a bit of a writer, because I wrote to myself about a day in gym class that I’d endured. Yes, endured. It was the dreaded one mile run for the Presidential fitness test. Everyone was lapping me. It took me 17minutes to make one mile. One fella – I even remember his name, and we’re still friends although I believe he’s long forgotten – crept up to me (with his friends giggling behind me) and asked me how much I weighed, and I said 191. I was lying – I’d shaved off about 25lbs from that. That was all he needed, and he went back to his football player friends giggling about it. I’d written it off, and just kept on walking my mile.

I’d written to myself that I didn’t need to be skinny to be a person of value to my community, my country, or my world. I mean, for crying out loud – skinniness isn’t what makes a person phenomenal! I don’t need to be skinny to be dynamic! I don’t need skinny to rock your world! Being skinny isn’t what makes a chick bangin’! I can do ALL of that without being a single-digit size. I WILL do all of that without a single-digit size.

And… off I went.

College was first. I was all OVER the place. Involed in this, running this, name in the paper, elected to that. When I finally started dating (’cause I didn’t do that until I left Mom’s house), I was NEVER single… happily involved, healthy long-term relationships. And I was on it. You couldn’t go to an event without seeing me. Why? Because I was focused on proving wrong that high school mentality that I couldn’t shake – that I didn’t need to be skinny to be dynamic.

Well, years later, during the time I should’ve been getting to know and love and learn how to take care of ME, I realized that I didn’t do much of that at ALL. I was a broken person trying to prove wrong an outside stigma that existed long before me, and would probably exist long after I’m dead and gone. And to top it all off, I was now the mother of a beautiful baby girl… and the thought of passing my broken understanding of how to be a healthily-happy-with-herself Black girl to her made my spine tighten up in pain.

I surrounded myself with women who were healthy and extremely patient… not wanting to damage our friendships but wanting to point out a need to take care of myself, how to learn. It wasn’t until one helped me realize the nutritional error of my ways, that I finally started going east instead of west. It all just started to make sense.

As I’ve mentioned before, by the time I’d hit the 300lb mark, I was dealing with pitting edema. Doctors were fearing I’d developed diabetes. It felt like everything was crashing down on me, and damn if I had any idea how to address it I would. I just didn’t know. If I hadn’t made a change, I can’t imagine where I’d be right now.

In hindsight, looking at what I wrote to myself – “I don’t need to be skinny to be dynamic! I don’t need skinny to rock your world! Being skinny isn’t what makes a chick bangin’!” – I didn’t lie! I was dynamic! I was awesome blossom! I didn’t need skinny to have, be or do anything that my heart desired. Being a wonderfully humble and modest individual isn’t predicated upon size or level of attractiveness. It has nothing to do with that. And it took me trying to hold myself up as the exception and almost killing myself in the process to realize that.

I couldn’t get past that childish mentality that said “I’m already cute, and I’m already happy and successful. I’own need to lose weight to be hot.” I wish I could grab Young Erika by the shoulders, slap her one good time and say, “This ain’t about being hot to a bunch of idiotic teenagers. This is about not having so much fluid in your legs, your blood can’t circulate properly in about 6 years. This is about being healthy and making sure that you’re around long enough to see your babies have babies. This is about developing and maintaining a lifestyle that nurtures and nourishes the best of you. This is about not spending your life trying to prove your value to a society that doesn’t care anyway. It’s about not letting a dysfunctional society succeed in devaluing you in the first place! It’s about believing in the worth you were given at birth, and ensuring that you’re around for as long as possible to make sure that you can put that worth to USE!”

I can look back and say, now, why I openly and outwardly failed to address my weight loss concerns. Because I knew that my efforts would be met with dismal results. I wouldn’t be prepared. I wouldn’t be knowledgeable. I wouldn’t understand. I would lose. I would fail. I’d be embarking on a 20 mile hike in a jungle, and would forget something simple and stupid – like water – get set back, have to go home, and never get the motivation to get up and have another go at it. I’d only be disappointing myself, so why bother?

The funny thing is, once I finally began to address my emotional barriers to weight loss, I hit another road block. I set myself up with excuse after excuse. I can’t afford to eat healthy. I can’t afford a gym membership. My insurance won’t cover a nutritionist. I don’t want to sweat my hair out. I have clients to tend to. It takes too much time. I have a daughter to raise. I’m hosting the Pope at my house, and I’ve got to bake pastries. All kinds of crap. It made me question what purpose those original barriers served in the first place. Was that just to protect me from the emotional letdown of failure?

I never really set out on some dynamic goal. I didn’t start at 330lbs with a goal of losing 150lbs. Remember, I tried the gym thing and felt like I was doing TOO much with no reward, and I gave up. Changing my eating habits wasn’t about losing weight – I had already, at that point, accepted that I wasn’t going to do that – it was about just eating healthier. The weight FELL off at that point. THAT is when my focus shifted… when I discovered my achilles heel. When I saw that it WAS possible. For those who don’t follow this site regularly, I started at 328. Today, I’m at 185lbs. Trust me, that wasn’t in the plan.

To think that I denied myself health because of some goal to prove that I could be of value without being skinny… to think that I denied myself health because of a fear of disappointing myself… to think that I denied myself being who I am because I was afraid of what being that person would bring me… all the years I wasted, all the time I lost. How dreadful I was to myself. Using meaningless external excuses to justify allowing my body – my gift – to suffer at the hands of my bad habits.

So, I put all this out here to say… losing weight isn’t about… well, losing weight. A healthy outlook on this whole thing is having a goal of changing your lifestyle. The effort should be placed within making small changes to eat and live healthier. The end result of doing these successfully is weight loss. Any effort to skate around that will fail you in the long run, and will bring about the disappointment that we all fear. Don’t defeat yourself before you begin. And definitely don’t make excuses for complacency… because it can ultimately kill you. Let me reiterate that – the goal is not weight loss. It is a healthier lifestyle. Please believe you can lose weight by unhealthy means, and wind up worse off health-wise than you began.

I had healthy goals – eating healthier, being more active – that gave me healthy results. My goals weren’t rooted in vanity, they were rooted in a desire to not have my daughter grow up as confused and emotionally stunted as I was. I want her to have a healthy relationship with food, and a respect for herself that included knowing how and when to take care of onesself. I’m proud that I’ve started that within her, all while re-teaching it to myself. (this picture of me is from Thanksgiving. You know you love my ‘fro!) Now, I’m considering more vain aspects of my physical appearance because, quite frankly, I can. I now know that I can healthily focus on me without punishing myself for “not being what I covet,” but “respectfully pushing myself.” Because I learned early that my value isn’t in my new-found physique, I still develop my intelligence, my ability to give to my community and my ability to love. It makes me that much better of a person, because I no longer fear tackling my issues head on… because I now have new-found faith in my ability to take care of ME. I don’t question my value because I know where it is, and because I value me… I care for me like I care for my child. Because I love myself… like I love my child.

1,600 words all to say… resolve to love yourself. Resolve to care for yourself. I’ve always been happy. I was always successful. But I looked at the way I love my child and wondered why I didn’t pour that same effort into myself.. and once I did, my world changed and my life lit up beyond what I could’ve imagined. Show yourself that kind of love, and see how your life changes.

I’m not gonna lie — I hate this time of year. Sure, I love the family gatherings, the reminiscing, and the making of new memories… but damn, can we do it without it surrounding food? It takes a giant pot luck holiday and the promise of a full tummy to bring everyone together? Cold game!

I know that’s pessimistic, but I’d much rather have the good times and skip the whole “Battle of Thanksgiving” between my will power and the candied yams, you feel me? Besides, since I don’t eat pork, and everything is cooked in pork or beef (I’m reminded of the Boondocks clip where Huey and Granddad argue about the “Pork Flavored Broccoli”), I’m often left eating lettuce and water while the person next to me enjoys their bacon flavored cornbread. Sigh.

Having said that, I think it’s time I shared a few tips that I plan on using to make sure that I don’t leave Thanksgiving with about 5lbs of food stuck ON me, and 5lbs of booty that I didn’t plan for. ‘Cause seriously — while booty is nice, I’m going to flip out if I leave with more than I came with. Just being honest.

1. Keep a glass of water on you at all times. Why? Firstly, water actually helps you fill up. Drinking water while you eat slows you down, and gives your body time to process the fact that food is being put into it. Since it takes your mind approximately 20 minutes to realize that your body is full, taking time to slow down and drink water (a vital part in weight loss, anyhow) will give your body time to realize what’s being put inside of it, and how much.
2. Portions, portions, portions! I know that Aunt Pookie (hey, I love my Aunt Pookie) has the world’s best scalloped potatoes, and I know that you love ‘em and all, but commit yourself to portion sizes no larger than the palm of your hand.
3. Put the satellite dish-sized plate down. I’m serious. You know y’all have those Thanksgiving-specific plates that are large enough to double as someone’s rims. Don’t do it to yourself. Stick to a regular sized plate, palm-sized portions, and allow yourself to try a bunch of different things… not simply overdoing it on the few things you love.
4. Leave the obviously-store-bought-stuff… alone. I jokingly asked this question on twitter, but I’m serious. Those store-bought pies, those boxed mashed potato flakes, the scalloped potatoes that come from the Betty Crocker magic elixir? Leave it alone. Why? Foods that are processed are, well, processed – genetically engineered to be easier to chew, not leave food in your teeth, or “fill you up.” Unfortunately, it only turns back into the same powder it originated from, with all the calories and none of the “full” feeling… leaving you not only still hungry after all those calories, but on a carb high, at that. That wonderful “melt in your mouth” feeling that M&Ms has convinced us is a good thing? It might be wonderful for chocolate… really not ideal when it comes to actual food.
5. Remember what the holiday is for. I know that’s a little pious, but just humor for me for a moment. If this is the one time that you get to see your younger nieces and nephews who are living out of state, and they’re forced to wait to be the last ones to eat (since they’re the youngest – you know how that goes), then stick behind and talk to them (while sipping your water) for a few moments. Play with the kids you don’t see as often as you like. Talk to your show-off cousin about his new car that he just bought, yet suspiciously has the “Avis” rental brochure still in the windshield. More talking, less eating. Entertain yourself!
6. Lastly, and this is a big one: Don’t listen to anyone telling you what you do or don’t need to do for you. If someone at the table tells you, “So… you got all kinds of booty, now!” or “Why is your plate so light? Let me fix you another plate, girl, you’re too skinny!” or even (as happened to me a few years back) “Gosh, I remember when you were younger… and skinny!” be polite. Keep your composure. I’m telling you it’ll happen and you’re reading this going “Mmhmm, I can hear it now.” Don’t let it derail your holiday, piss you off, and send you running in there to those magic elixir mashed potatoes. Get your joy from the people who know how to act, don’t be afraid to be mocked for trying to focus on your health during the holidays, and for crying out loud… don’t stress out to the point where it makes you emotionally eat. If there’s ONE thing you don’t need this time of year, it’s to emotionally eat. Kid in a candy store syndrome, and whatnot.

If you should happen to let it slip that you’re watching your figure, don’t let anyone tell you “Come on, live a little” as a response. Don’t accept that. You’re surrounded by family you don’t see as often as you like. Use this time to “live” by enjoying their company, sharing stories of strength and love, and amaze yourself with how the kids have grown since last time. The last thing you should be “living” through and for on Thanksgiving… is food. To be a little corny (or a lot), the food is mainly a side dish. The family should be the main course.

Be happy, be healthy!

I’m a firm believer in natural progression. I believe that there is no single catalyst to force a woman to begin to commit to her health. I believe there is no such thing as waking up and saying, “Yup, today will be the day that I do this thing.” It just doesn’t happen that way. Not resulting in lasting life changes, no. I don’t think so.

Why do I believe that? Because weight loss is complex, overwhelming, and difficult. It’s hard to dive in head first if you don’t necessarily know what’s happening or why it’s happening to you. There’s no shame in that, when there are industries who put forth lots of money to keep you confused. We all know that money outweighs and outdoes everything nowadays. This is no different.

I am an advocate of putting one foot in front of the other… in the direction in which you want to go. As long as you do that, you will always be moving toward your goals.

“Okay, it’s easy to talk the talk, but do you have any suggestions on how to actually do it?”

I hear you thinking it. Of course I do!

First, accept that failure is a part of your growth. Remember that you’re changing a lifetime of bad habits. You’re adding things to your daily routine that will change your life. It doesn’t happen overnight, and you WILL fall down. Even after well over a year at it, I STILL occasionally fall down. I don’t give up, I don’t tell myself that I can’t do it, and I certainly don’t retreat into food – the thing that got me to obesity in the first place – when I feel bad about falling short.

What I do try to do is remind myself of my goals, take a hard look at why I fell short, and try my best to address that “why.” For example. If I promised myself no cakes or candies, and I have a slice of cake at a restaurant, the question becomes, “If I promised that I wouldn’t, why did I do it anyway?” If the answer becomes, “I just couldn’t resist that picture of that cake staring at me throughout dinner!” then I have to rationalize with myself a way to avoid the temptation. For those of you wondering, yes, this was a real issue for me. How did I overcome? I stopped going out to restaurants until I could build up the ability to overlook the pictures, and learn how to say no quickly, and mean it.

Next, accept that you have to make some hard decisions. Not hitting the restaurants? That’s a HARD decision! Please believe I love my On The Border taco salad (1,700 calories, 124g fat, 2,620mg sodium), my Cheesecake Factory Vanilla Bean Cheesecake (870cals, 558cals from fat, 62g fat), and, well… some other stuff we don’t have to talk about here. However, my decision not only saved me money, but saved myself calories, as well. Hard decision accepted, reward gained.

Thirdly, resolve within yourself that the follow-through won’t be easy. If you can’t stop going to McDonalds after work; and you realize that it’s because since you take the shortest route home, you can’t help but stop in to help you suffer through traffic… what options do you have? Better yet, what options do you allow yourself? Sure, you can buy healthy snacks and keep them in the car, but what if that doesn’t work? Are you willing to take the extra 5 minutes in your ride to avoid the McDonalds? Can you do that for yourself, even though it’s hard? It might not be easy to see in the beginning, but you’re teaching yourself a plethora of lessons with that one action:

1. It’s ok to make difficult decisions for ME.
2. It’s ok to suffer for my own greater good.
3. It’s ok to push myself, because I am changing ME for the better.
4. It’s ok to take the harder route, because I will be stronger in the end because of it.
5. I am able to do this.

Remember that every challenge is an opportunity to learn and grow, no matter how successful the endeavor is or is not. As long as you take something away from the situation, it was not in vain. As long as you take away something from the situation and grow from it, you are putting one foot in front of the other. As long as you’ve learned one more way to get closer to your goal of a healthier lifestyle, you’re well on your way.

Be happy, be healthy!