Returning Home

Monday, March 1, 2010

by Erika

I made the awful – awful, awful, awful – decision to return back home to Indiana. I was basically leaving Miami in the middle of their cold snap, only to travel up North for a cold snap that actually involves snow. Really, this was a horrible idea.

The last time I saw my Mother, I weighed somewhere around 280lbs. Really, the last time I saw a lot of these people, I was somewhere around 300lbs. There’s something a little complicated in trying to explain to someone that even though they’re looking at a physically different representation of the person you are… you still are… the person you are.

Alas, the first words out of my Mother’s mouth were, “I feel like I’m staring at a stranger in my own home!”

When my Mother first laid eyes on me, I was sitting on the floor, legs folded, trying to figure out how to gerry-rig the broadband to accommodate my laptop. “Get up! I want to see!” I only looked at her with a face that said, “I want to roll my eyes, but since I don’t wanna hear it, I won’t.”

She definitely got a little teary eyed… leaned back, put her hand over her mouth and said “You know, it was to the point where I thought you were sick. I mean, you were out there.” You know how you use your hands to draw a globe that’s bigger than you? Imagine someone doing this, and talking about your body. Sigh. Yeah. She’s excited… so I’ma let that one go.

She asked me what it was like to have made such a drastic change in my size. I told her the truth — that it was hard to see because I look at me every day. That I don’t just think of “Month-ago-me” and compare her to “today me.” It doesn’t work that way for me, personally, and that it’s to my downfall.

“So, wait – you mean to tell me that you don’t remember what you looked like?”

I told her, “I just always think I looked this way.” Clearly, I was downplaying it… or deluding myself. The picture above is definitely me circa 2007.

At this point… she reached for a few photos to show me just how much of a change I’d made in myself. I won’t even lie – these photos hurt my feelings. Maybe because I can understand the magnitude of what’s happening in the photos — my waist was, well.. I didn’t have a waist. My face was full with nice gloriously fat cheeks. I mean, I didn’t have any shape what-so-ever, but you couldn’t tell me squat! I was all kinds of fine!

I was still morbidly obese, “pre-diabetic” and in dire need of a supportive shoulder. But I was fine, and apparently that’s all that mattered.

She watched me get a little teary-eyed, myself. I guess I didn’t think I was “that different.” I have long since avoided this moment, where I could compare where I am now to where I was then.. but I knew it was coming.

Having this moment also magnified the purpose behind why I opted to return back to Indiana, anyhow. With all the knowledge I’ve gained in the form of health and fitness… if I can’t use it to save the people who mean the most to me, it doesn’t mean quite as much as I thought it would.

I haven’t really seen anyone else since I’ve returned, and that’s fine. I’m not really here for everyone else. I’m just here for Mom. It was hard enough to listen to her talk about the changes I’ve made… so let’s hope we can share the same smiles and tears when it comes time to evaluate the changes she’s made.

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11 Comments

Mar 1, 2010

Tracy

I’m not crying… I have something in my eye. *tear*

Girl, this story is touching because I know what it’s like. Of course, I don’t REALLY know, as I haven’t reached my goal yet; however, I can imagine what it’s like to be faced with the old you via pictures. I currently feel it in reverse. I look at old pictures of myself from when I wasn’t as big as I am now and wonder how/why I allowed myself to keep growing in girth. And once I lose the weight, I can only imagine what it will be like to look at who I am now.

You have made AMAZING changes, Erika! I’m so proud of you and happy that you are helping others fight the battle!!
- Mar 1, 2010
  
  Erika
  
  Aww, thank you, Tracy!
  
  The hardest thing about writing this was what I didn’t say… and while I’m coming from a different perspective on this, I understand where you’re coming from because I’m seeing it in my Mother, which is the real reason why I’m here. So trust me… I can feel you 100%.
  
  Don’t worry, pretty girl – you’ll be all good before you know it!
Mar 1, 2010

Ilyasha

Thank you for sharing! You are a brave soul and your stories continue to motivate me (and many others I suspect). Blessings!
Mar 1, 2010

MaroonDawta

@ Erika

Well done on your weight loss hun and thanks for sharing.

I’m at the stage where ‘Tracy’ is at, where I’m looking at pics or just remembering how much I weighed 5 years ago and just cannot believe I used to eat 2 double whopper meals in the space of 30 mins thinking it wouldn’t catch up with me.

Love your blog btw!
Mar 1, 2010

Helena Thornton

She was glad that you took steps to get healthy, Right?
Mar 1, 2010

Andrea (AJ) Plaid

Hey Luvie–

I really dig this piece b/c it does get to how we learn to talk about our bodies and fat–mostly from our female relatives, esp. moms. Most of all, I love your continually opening up about the realizations about weight loss as it affects quite a few of us Black women. I feel like I’m following a trailblazer b/c we don’t hear what you say so eloquently too much of anywhere.
- Mar 1, 2010
  
  Erika
  
  @Helena, She sure was. Nothing like seeing tears form up in your Mom’s eyes.
  
  @Andrea, Wow! Thank you so much for those words. I’m so honored!
Mar 1, 2010

Inkognegro

This was amazing and insightful. So often there is a lot of Harrumphing about Getting in a bikini and what men say/think.

Self perception and what WE see as the Scale rises and falls, is what I find more illuminating. Thank you for sharing that.
Mar 1, 2010

Peach Cobbler

Thank you so much for posting this. I came across your site via http://www.MADAMETHEJOURNEY.com. Both of you are an inspiration. I feel so behind because I have yet to begin my weight loss.

Your story hit home for me, because my current situation is in reverse. For the past 7 years, I lived in Hampton, VA & due to the loss of my job & the bad economy, I had to move back home to GA in with my mother. Her including my family & old friends all have asked me “What happened?”. I wish Obama had a stimulus check to mail me everytime I heard that question. Before I left GA I was between sizes 12-14, now I am 22/24.

In VA, I thought I was a DIVA. I loved fatshion blogs, clothes/makeup/hair, and men hit on me all the time. Now that I’m back home, I feel like there’s is something wrong with how I look.

I know nearly 300 lbs is not healthy (for me) & puts stress on my body, but aside from that no one wants to accept my new, bigger body. Sorry I wrote so much. Your post just made me think about why I really want to lose weight. I hope people’s opinions in my hometown doesnt have a negative effect on my motivation.
Mar 2, 2010

BAnjeeB

You are very insightful and I appreciate the candor with which you share your story. It’s hard to discipline yourself but it’s harder to deal with all the health problems that come with being overweight/obese. I’m still working on coming down, I’ve hit a plateau but I’m going to keep on doing what I need to do. Thanks for this forum and for sharing your experiences.
Apr 9, 2010

Netherland

Wow, Erica! This is just what I needed to read, and I am now intriqued (sp). I think this journey is not only the excercise, and food, but understand the full picture through literature, and informational and inspirational stories, like you have shared here — Thank you, for sharing and developing this space for sisters like us! God Bless You and Yours!

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